Almost three years ago Matt and I decided that we wanted to start a family. We quit our birth control methods (which were at best questionable anyway), talked about baby names and had sex a lot. A couple months passed by with no pregnancy, but we weren't worried. Then one night my little sister (who had only been married for three months at this point) called us at home to break the news. "Hi Aunt Katie!" I was going to be an aunt.
I was flabbergasted, excited, shocked, all of the things that people usually are when their sisters get pregnant, but I was also really jealous. I am the oldest child! I have been married the longest! I should get to have the first baby!!! I got over that fairly quickly (after all, I was the first to do everything else in our family - I could let her have this one thing, right?). Kamryn came along a few months later, and she has been a huge blessing to us.
Matt and I have continued to try to have a baby of our own with no luck. Now and again I can't help but look at Kamryn and think, "If we had conceived when we first started trying, our child would be her age/her height/saying those cute things/wearing that outfit/etc." It's so hard to love my niece so much, and at the same time grieve the situation we find ourselves in. Every milestone for her is a milestone for the baby that hasn't been introduced to us yet.
I have asked Kelly when she thinks they might have another. "When Kamryn is potty trained, I think we'll be ready for another," has been her response. I love my sister, and am genuinely curious about her life and want to invest in her family, but I recently realized that I have been counting down my reproductive cycles to the day when Kamryn is potty trained. Somewhere inside, I have turned this into a goal - to be pregnant before my second niece or nephew is on the way. Maybe if I can reach this goal, I won't feel like a complete fertility failure.
These past three years have been SO. HARD. I have sat back and watched as countless friends and family members have had babies, and I have always been excited and supportive of them. I have to admit, though, that at the same time, I am completely jealous, and each one of their joyous announcements sends my heart reeling into a dark place I don't like to visit very often. The last few pregnancy announcements I have been given, have been followed by, "I'm so sorry - it will happen soon for you. I'm praying for you!" I don't want to be that person. I don't want people to feel like they have to do that for me!
Anyway - on to how I made a jerk out of myself. We were at my mom and dad's last night celebrating Kamryn's second birthday. My sister was wearing a really cute jersey cotton dress that had a rouched empire waistline. I was sitting on the floor, and she walked in front of me, stepping over my leg to get to her spot on the couch. Some combination of the lighting, the rouching on her dress and the growing desperation in my uterus made me think she might be pregnant. Not one to keep things to myself, I mouthed to her, "Are you pregnant?" She quickly said "No, but thanks...now I feel really confident." Shit. Now I'm not only deranged with baby fever, but I'm that jerk that thinks non-gestating women are pregnant! I'm such an ass...
I don't think my sister reads my blog, but if she does, SORRY KELLY...I'm sick in the head, and you're beautiful.
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3 comments:
OMG, I SO did that when we were trying for a year to get knocked up with Noise. I hated it because I felt petty and mean, but I just couldn't seem to stop myself, even if only in my head.
My moment of ultimate jerkiness came when a girlfriend of mine told me that "it will happen when you are ready." Oh, I was so pissed. And I let her know it. But she was only trying to be supportive.
I'm over here, doing a uterus dance for you. I have a GREAT track record as a fertility cheerleader, for what it's worth.
Don't be so hard on yourself, it happens to the best of us. Remind me the next time I see you to tell you the story about my step-mom at my baby shower. She opened her mouth, it wasn't to me, and I was the only pregnant person there. You'll feel much better after that story. :)
Katie, I have been there. It's a dark place where we women harbor envy toward those who say, "oops, I'm pregnant!" as if it's just a second thought. I so appreciate your honest writing--it's beautiful. I had tears in my eyes the whole way through. xoxo
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