It is what it is...

Matt and I were going to spend the day running errands and having fun. Church bazaar, bank, license plates, shopping, movie, dinner...it was going to be wonderful. I seem to love days like that more and more lately. If I'm out and about I don't have to think about how I'm feeling and what's really happening in this broken heart of mine.

I look back over the past three months, and realize that my spending has gotten out of control; my house is out of control; I AM OUT OF CONTROL. I haven't been returning phone calls. I procrastinate more than usual. I don't keep up with my housework. I hardly ever cook. My mind is always looking for something to do whether it's paint my nails a new color, rearrange a room, read a book or play a video game. Everything in me seems to not want to sit still and just be.

Sometimes I find myself surprised at the memories of our pregnancy and miscarriage. I think that I have taken the easy way out, and convinced myself that they never happened at all. I think I have tried to just rewind my mind to the time when we were having trouble getting pregnant. At times I'd much rather be there than here - on the other side where grief is waiting to take over.

A good friend came to stay with us for a couple days this week. She is pregnant with a baby that is due to be born just over a week after Squooshy was due. I tried to mentally prepare myself for her visit. I knew it would be difficult to see her knowing that I would be right around where she is in her pregnancy. She is so easy to talk to about the little things, the big things, the hard things, the fun things...it was really great to be with her! We definitely didn't avoid talking about our babies. We talked a lot about both of our experiences, and were able to cry together and laugh together over all that these pregnancies have brought into our lives. We shopped for her little Nugget, and we found some great maternity clothes for her. I was so proud of myself for keeping my emotions in check, and was definitely sad to see her go yesterday.

Today I woke up to Mother Nature's more-than-clear (thankyouverymuch) sign that I am not pregnant. We left this morning to start our day-of-fun, and started with the license branch. After our short visit there, I told Matt that I needed to run back home to get some "supplies" for my present physical condition. He decided to balance the checkbook while I took care of my business. He quickly came to the conclusion that we should probably just stay home today. Our finances are tight. I've spend three months indulging in retail therapy, and it's quickly catching up with us. It had to happen sooner or later, right? Someday I was actually going to have to face my life instead of run from it.

We have plenty of things here to keep us entertained: video games, board games, books, DVD's, etc. We could even work on the house or take a walk (it's a beautiful day here). I don't want to do any of it. I keep saying that I'm bored, but I think the truth is that I'm feeling depressed today. I've spent a lot of time avoiding myself these past few months, and now I am running out of places to hide.

I'm not sure what to do now that I've admitted this to myself (and to the rest of you). I thought that writing this down would make me feel a little better, but it hasn't. Maybe all we can do is pray...

Almost Paradise...

Today would have been my Grandpa Chet’s 85^th birthday. He’s been gone for 22 years now, yet sadness still seems to wash over me when I think about him. I was young when he passed, but I remember loving every minute I got to spend with him.

The song “Almost Paradise” from Footloose always reminds me of Grandpa. He once told my mom that it was the only “rock” song he ever liked! As I was listening to music during my long commute this morning, “Almost Paradise” came around on the iPod. I immediately remembered that today was Grandpa’s birthday, and wanted to spend some time remembering him...

• I remember spending the night with Grandma Alice and Grandpa Chet. They had a huge bed! My parents only had a double bed, so it was a special treat to spend the night with Grandma and Grandpa and get to sleep in the “Super Bed!” I think it was a king bed…it felt like it took up the entire room! I remember what the house smelled like as we got up in the morning and started getting ready. It was the perfect combination of a fresh shower, toothpaste and brewing coffee. Their house was right near a Dunkin Donuts, and I remember Grandpa bringing home blueberry cake donuts for us.
• I remember watching game shows like The Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune with my Grandparents. I seem to remember Grandpa especially liking Wheel of Fortune…I think he had a thing for Vanna White!
• Grandma and Grandpa used to have these chairs at their dining room table that were brown leather, no armrests, and they SPUN! I would love sitting in those chairs, and having Grandpa spin me around and around and around!
• I think Grandpa really loved sweets, because he was always spoiling us with cookies and candy! Those Keebler fudge covered cookies always remind me of him.
  
• Grandpa was a car salesman – Oldsmobiles for as long as I could remember, although I’m sure he sold others earlier in his life. I remember visiting his dealership, and getting Chicklets out of the gum machine!
• Grandpa ALWAYS had a camera! I remember him with his camcorder and Polaroid. We loved that Polaroid – we couldn’t wait to shake those pictures! He must have loved his family so much to want to capture us all on film all the time.
• I remember going shopping with him one day. I think we were at the mall, because I remember the store we were in as a department store. I found a sweater that I really liked, and he bought it for me. I was in 1^st grade when he died, and I kept that sweater until I was at least in 5^th grade. I couldn’t bear to get rid of it. He was such a generous man.
• I remember the day that he died. I was home with Dad, and Kelly and Robert (who were 4 and 1) were playing in Robert's playpen. I answered the phone when it rang, and sensed immediately that something was wrong. Mom was on the other end of the line asking for Dad. I remember refusing to let her talk to him until she told me what was wrong. I cried and cried when she finally told me, and I remember feeling upset with Kelly because she didn't seem to notice that I was crying.
  

We all miss Grandpa. We talk about him often at family gatherings. There is a portrait of him in my Grandma’s house that looks over us all as we celebrate Christmas and birthdays. He has been gone for a long time, and I am sad that so many of my younger cousins never got to be with him. It occurs to me now, though, that Grandpa still lives on with us…through us. My mother has his jubilant spirit and dedicated work ethic. My aunts Gwen and Gayle have his generosity. My uncle Dan has his quick, infectious smile, and my aunts Janice and Janine have his fun-loving attitude. Grandpa may be gone, but he is definitely not forgotten.

Some of my family members read this blog. If you’re here today, please take a minute to share some of your favorite Chet memories! Let’s remember him today…

My apologies...

I have been gone for quite some time. I apologize for keeping you all waiting. I'm actually fairly certain there aren't many of you left to read what I'm writing now! It's been a rough few months for us. If you haven't heard, you can read all about it here. I am going to try to get this blog going again now. Seems like when things fall apart, my writing is the last piece to be picked up. Hope you all stick around!

Leaving on a jet plane...

Tomorrow morning I will be leaving for Atlanta for a week-long class at Candler Seminary. I'm a member of PAUMCS - the Professional Association of United Methodist Church Secretaries - and this class is a certification institute. I'm not entirely sure what we will be learning, but MONTHS ago (when I signed up) I was sure I wanted to do it. Granted, I didn't know then that I would be a pregnant, tired, nauseous mess now, but I still want to participate in the class.

I hate to fly. I know the statistics say that I'm safer in the air than I am on the ground, but I still don't like to fly. Gravity and I have an understanding. I am a large woman, and as such, gravity makes sure that I am as close to the ground as possible at all times. Defying this arrangement seems unnatural, thus filling any time I spend on a plane with anxiety. Also - I had a really rough flight on the way to New Orleans earlier this year - one in which I was SURE the plane was going down, and I spent the better part of the flight clinging to my sister in fright and praying incoherently out loud - so flying REALLY doesn't sit well with me right now. Then take into account the fact that I am pregnant, and this has somehow created an anxious beast inside what was already an anxious beast, and well...you get the picture. Tomorrow will be hell.

I hate being away from Matt - especially now that I am having this baby. I will miss him terribly, and will count down the days until Saturday when he pics me up at the airport in Indy. I'm nervous about having to be alert all day every day for 6 days straight. I've been so tired and sick lately, that I've been spending a lot of time in bed. This week will definitely be hard! I'm just hoping to get some good shopping in, learn a lot in class, and make some good friends with my other classmates.

Okay - I have to pack now. We'll see if I get time to blog in ATL. :)

The Swisher Factory...

The Swisher Factory is open for business!

http://swisherfactory.blogspot.com/

Tonight in Hillsboro...

Tonight in a tiny town called Hillsboro...

-As I complained about swollen ankles and an empty stomach, she succumbed to the cancer that ravaged her young body.

-As I mindlessly thought ahead to tomorrow night's plans with my mother, sister and grandmother, her children and siblings were struggling to imagine what life would be like tomorrow without her.

-As I watched the clock in anticipation of going home to snuggle in bed with my husband, her husband was kissing the love of his life goodbye.

I'm so sad tonight at the death of one of our church members. Certainly to us it seems as though her life was much too short. Our feeble minds try unsuccessfully to understand the purpose and meaning behind such a cruel death. I am trying to remember that death is really just another part of life. I am not naive enough to think that any one of us is lucky enough, rich enough or strong enough to cheat death, so why is it still so hard to lose the people we love? Perhaps it reminds us of all that we have yet to do and say. It reminds us of wrongs that we have yet to right - or rights we want to right again.

Being in ministry during times like these always seems hard. I watch as Matt walks along side these friends of ours, and see how much it affects him. He may not have the overflow of emotions like I do, but the pain he experiences with these families is plain to see.

We must have faith, though, that God is true to His word; that He works in all things for GOOD. It's not good that this friend is gone, but we KNOW that God will work in this situation for GOOD. He always does - and we know that He will continue to do so. I am thankful tonight that this woman knows the lord, and that tonight she is with him in paradise. For Christians, death is always a sad thing, but we rejoice in the fact that this is NOT THE END. There is something more - something better - waiting for us.

I am mourning for this family tonight friends. My heart breaks for them....


And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
-Casting Crowns

Cream Cheese Stuffed French Toast with Powdered Sugar and Strawberries

Apparently this is a big hit, so I'm putting down the recipe for you all to have and enjoy. Just be forewarned: I don't usually cook from a recipe, so these measurements are approximate. Feel free to put your own spin on it! The name is really misleading, because I technically didn't stuff anything. It's more like a French Toast Sandwich, but whatever...

Here's what you'll need:
8 slices Texas Toast (or another thickly sliced bread)
4 large eggs
2-3 tablespoons of milk (although, I was out of milk, so I used coffee creamer!)
1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 brick cream cheese - room temperature (you can put it in the microwave on defrost for a few minutes to soften it up if you don't want to wait)
1 cup sugar
1 tablespoon powdered sugar
1-2 cups cut strawberries - depending on your taste

Crack the eggs into a bowl that is big enough to dip your bread into. Beat the eggs with a wire whisk, add milk and cinnamon, and beat some more. Dip your bread into the egg mixture, making sure to coat both sides of the bread. Lay the bread on a griddle that has been heated over medium-high heat (make sure you spray your pan with cooking spray!). Keep an eye on your bread, and flip the slices as they become golden brown. Burnt toast isn't as good (and it makes your smoke alarm pretty upset too).

In another bowl (or your stand mixer if you have one) mix the cream cheese and sugar together until the mixture comes to a nice, smooth consistency. I love my stand mixer for this, but if you don't have one, just be patient - it will come together before you know it.

Once your toast is done, take two slices and spread the cream cheese mixture between them - like you're making a peanut butter sandwich. I like a lot of the cream cheese on mine, so I used probably around 2 tablespoons for each sandwich. You use what you like. Sprinkle the powdered sugar over the french toast, and top with strawberries.

This would be really good with blueberries, raspberries or cherries too! You don't really need syrup on this, but if you want to add that, it's up to you. Ooooh...it might be yummy to try adding cocoa into the cream cheese mixture, making a chocolate cream cheese french toast....I'll have to try that one next time!

TUESDAY TUNES - "You Are the Woman"

I know - I missed last Tuesday. I'm sorry. Last week was CRAZY! Here's what our week looked like: Gatlinburg, Lexington/Wilmore, Indianapolis, Veedersburg, Noblesville, Veedersburg, back to Noblesville, back home to Veedersburg. WHEW! Throw in my trip to the emergency room in Noblesville Wednesday night, and you've got yourself a BUSY WEEK! I'm sure this sounds like a bunch of excuses, but get over it. It's my blog, and if I want to miss a week, I can do that. :)

Today's song is really special to me for a lot of reasons. This is a song that I remember hearing a lot when I was growing up. My mom would sing this song to me when I was little, and I remember hearing this album playing often at our house.

A couple years ago I took part in a spritual direction retreat led by my friend Peg in Wilmore. I signed up for the retreat without knowing a lot about it. I showed up not knowing a soul. I was the only woman there who wasn't a student at the seminary, and I felt COMPLETELY out of place.

I'm not sure I can put into words exactly what this retreat was like. I imagine it was different for all of us. At some point during the weekend, we each got a chance to "work" through issues that God wanted to deal with, and we were guided by Peg (and the Holy Spirit of course) through this process in a loving way. It was totally amazing. I know it sounds wild and a little crazy, but just trust me on this one.

I was the last girl to "work" that weekend. I remember sitting through the whole retreat, and wondering what it was that God wanted to work through with me. My marriage? My family? My discipline (or lack therof)? I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something inside of me was stirring - I knew God had an issue He needed to bring to my attention.

I sat down in that circle of women - nervous as anything - and I tried to steer the conversation towards the issue I finally decided I wanted to work on. We talked for some time, and sensing that this was the wrong topic, Peg asked me to close my eyes, and ask Jesus what He wanted to work through. I closed my eyes, and the memory of a familiar photograph flashed in my mind. It was a photograph I had looked at thousands of times before, but I hadn't seen it in years. It was my high school boyfriend's sophomore yearbook picture.

I remember squinting my eyes and shaking my head - almost as if I was trying to push the memory away. Peg (she's just so intuitive) asked what I saw, and when I told her, she knew that we had to found our issue.

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here about what happened. He's not a caveman - he knows how to use the internet and he may someday find this little blog of mine. We have a lot of mutual friends still, and I don't want to dredge up old drama. I won't even give his first name, because honestly, you don't really care.

We dated for a little more than 18 months. We fell in love (as much as 15 year olds can), spent all our time together, had lots of fun, and made a LOT of mistakes. He ended the relationship, and I really did not take it well (understatement of the millenium). He ended up dating a really good friend of mine not too long after that, so that threw our group of friends into a tailspin of drama; sides were chosen, people felt victimized, and we all felt like our little world was crashing down on us (or maybe it was just me). We continued a physical relationship - even though we both were dating other people - and I continued to believe in my teenaged brain that we would be together in the end. Young love is so brutal, isn't it? Oy - if only I knew then what I know now. Hindsight is 20/20 though, and I definitely see how God worked in my life to bring me through that muck and mire to the point I am today. I wasn't a Christian at the time, and I only knew Matt as a friend, but God used this situation to bring Matt and I together as best friends, and used Matt to steer me towards the Lord. I am so thankful that God works in every situation for good.

Anyway - back to the retreat. We worked on lingering issues I had from this tumultuous relationship. Issues that seriously affected my sexuality, my self-esteem, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God. It was an amazing time for me - so healing and wonderful!

After we had finished, we were praying together as a group. As these women came around me to pray over me, God brought this song to my mind. I remember hearing the lyrics, "You are the woman that I've always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face, and that's the last I've seen of my heart." It was almost as if God were singing it to me!

I remember thinking that no one would ever love me as much as that boyfriend once had. Then - years later - I discovered that Matt loved me more. That day, as I heard this song playing in my head, I knew that God loved me even more than Matt could ever dream. He really is the lover of my soul, and although He began wooing me years ago, that day was the day I realized that THIS was the romance of my life. This is like, OUR song...God's and mine. I really think that when I get to heaven, Jesus will be there waiting to dance with me to this one!

With that being said, enjoy "You Are the Woman" by Firefall. This is from their first album, and if you don't own it, you should! This isn't the only good song on the album.



You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's not so much the things you say to me
It's not the things you do
It's how I feel each time you're close to me
That keeps me close to you, woh oh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's not so much your pretty face I see
It's not the clothes you wear
It's more that special way you look at me
That always keeps me there, woh oh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's hard to tell you all the love I'm feelin'
That's just not my style
You got a way of send my senses reelin'
Every time you smile, woh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart
(I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart)
Of my heart, oh, of my heart