Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Great Panty Caper

Matt and I just went to JC Penny after our movie. I needed unmentionables. (I'm not sure why I'm calling them "unmentionables" in this post. I am most definitely going to mention them...)

I usually don't mind buying undies. Come on - everyone wears them. It's no big deal, right? Still, when I have to buy them, I will always buy something else with them (a purse, a pair of shoes, anything) to help divert the attention from the underwear. I don't care if you think it's stupid...

I had a lot of trouble finding something else to buy today. I tried a few handbags, but nothing got me excited. I almost bought a cute sundress, but Matt scrunched his nose just enough to make me think I looked like a cow in it. I tried to get Matt to buy a new dress shirt, but he insisted that he didn't need one. Finally, I put the panties down, and said, "Let's just go." He looked at me and said, "Don't you need those? Isn't that the reason why we came in here in the first place?"

How do I explain my "No panties left alone" purchasing philosophy? I know it's dumb...and I didn't want him to call me out on it, so I sucked it up and bought the panties.

As I walked to the register, I felt that package of undies burning in my palm as if it were a burning coal. I felt like EVERYONE (not exaggerating) in the store was looking at me, and judging me for the panties I was buying. Ugh.

Then we get to the register. There is a sweet looking older woman behind the counter helping someone else. I sighed a little bit. No big deal buying undies from an old lady! I was almost free. Out of NOWHERE this young dude with perfectly coiffed facial hair came to the counter and called me up. NOOOO!!!!! Suddenly I'm 5 years old, at the pool for swimming lessons, being pushed towards the diving board even though I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! I could feel Matt pressing me towards the counter. What could I do? I couldn't run. I couldn't throw a fit (although I really wanted to). I had to do it. I had to buy the panties. And I'm going to be honest people: these were not cute, sexy panties. These were BRIEFS! Full on, nude-colored granny panties. The kind of panties that only come out of the drawer on the three or four days of each month that I DON'T WANT TO BE LOOKED AT (let alone touched). At least they were "French Cut"...whatever that means. Oh - and to top it all off? They were on clearance. Yeah. I know. I wear grannys AND I'm cheap. Sexy, isn't it? (Go on...tell Matt what a lucky guy he is to have a catch like me!)

I am normally really friendly to people at the store (and restaurant, and gas station, etc.), but today I didn't even look this guy in the eye. I just swiped my card, grabbed my bag, and got the heck out of Dodge. I think I'll be shopping for underwear online from now on.

2 comments:

Karen said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I couldn't stop laughing at this post...you're hilarious!

I do the same thing though, so I totally know what you mean. I'll buy a bra or underwear from say, Target, and I'll HAVE to buy at least 2-3 other items with it. I think one time I bought a lint roller, candy and a greeting card...for no reason.

Kendrawolf said...

OMG!!! When I scolled down and saw the BIG! RED!! UNDIES!!! Holy Cow! My son yelled from upsyairs."What the heck are you laughing about, Mom?" "Nothing!"