Sunday, January 23, 2011

A horrible Saturday...

We found out Tuesday that our third pregnancy was over.  The baby we were carrying had died.  I knew it was only a matter of time before this little body was going to have to leave my womb.  Friday I met with the doctor to talk about a D&C, and we scheduled the procedure for next Tuesday (January 25th).  Up to this point, I had no bleeding or spotting or any indication of any issues, other than a small bit of discharge (I hate that word).

Saturday morning I woke up around 7:45 with the need to pee, and a small cramp told me maybe I'd have some #2 also.  I sat on the toilet doing my thing, and suddenly a big cramp came over me and I felt a large amount of something gush.  (Gross...I know)  I knew exactly what it was before even looking.  I quickly finished, woke Matt, packed a little bag, and called the hospital.  My doctor was there, and alerted the emergency room that we were coming.  We drove the 20 miles to the hospital, all the while I was bleeding intensely and cramping more and more.  They got me back to the emergency room pretty quickly, but took what seemed like forever to get me hooked up to pain medication.  I swear that IV needle was huge.  It was like they were shooting a PVC pipe into my hand!  The pain was making me nauseous, so a nurse held a bucket by my head until the Zofran kicked in.  By 9:00 they were wheeling me into the surgery unit, and already had to give me another dose of Morphine.

I have only been put under sedation once in my life, and that was for the extraction of my wisdom teeth.  I remember being afraid then, but I was much more afraid this time.  For some reason, I really felt as though I was going to die.  It was a horrible feeling.  Matt was so good the whole time though.  He stayed calm, stroked my hair to calm me down and continuously kissed me and told me he loved me and that I would be fine.

At 9:30 they wheeled me into the operating room.  It was exactly what it looks like on TV.  Sterile white walls, huge lights, lots of machines, everyone dressed in scrubs and caps and booties on their feet.  Totally surreal.  They quickly moved me to the operating table and strapped a mask over my face that pumped air into my mouth and nose.  They told me to take deep breaths, and when I asked what it was, they said it was just oxygen.  Liars.  I was out before I was done taking my third breath.

I started coming to and I was mysteriously back on the hospital bed in the ICU.  I am only now wondering how they got me back on that bed from the operating table.  I'm a large woman - I can only imagine the grunts of effort it took to get me moved!  I remember asking where Matt was, and asking if my parents had arrived yet.  The nurse assured me that they were here and all three of them were waiting in the ICU waiting room for me.  They would be able to come in once they got me awake and moving.  The nausea returned, as they warned it might, but thankfully I never vomited.  My cramps had subsided almost completely, and I could tell that the bleeding had seriously decreased.  I remember saying lots of things as I attempted to wake up, but I'm sure not much of it made sense.  I only hope I didn't embarrass myself or give away any of my most personal secrets!  Soon they were getting me into my clean pants and undies that I was (thankfully) wise enough to bring.  Once I was halfway dressed, they had me move to a comfy recliner and Matt and my parents were able to come in.  It was so good to have them all there with me.  We spent some time talking and as the time passed I became more and more alert.  The nurse finally came in to help me dress the rest of the way, and I was allowed to go home.  I was getting in the car around noon.  All in all it was a very quick process.

Mom and Dad went home from the hospital, and Matt took me home and got me into bed.  Buster cuddled with me almost all day, and Matt went to Covington to fill my prescription for pain medication and get some groceries.  I slept for a few hours, and felt pretty decent the rest of the day.  This morning I woke up feeling crampy, but wanted to try to go to at least one church service.  I made it through service at Veedersburg, but the pain medication kicked in midway through and I had to have Matt take me home afterwards.  I hate that he went to Hillsboro alone.  I'm sure it was difficult for him to share our sad news with the congregation without me there.  I have spent most of the day in bed sleeping with a heating pad and a cuddly kitty.

I think I'll be staying home from work tomorrow.  Hopefully I will be able to go back on Tuesday, but I'm not sure.  My boss is very understanding, but I have a lot to do!  We'll just have to see how I feel.  Physically I feel drained.  Emotionally I feel...okay.  I hate that this pregnancy ended this way, but if it had to end, I'm glad it's over.  Does that make sense?  It was so weird this week walking around knowing there was a dead baby in my belly.  It's so morose.

Someday we'll have a family of our own.  I'm not sure how or when, but I know that it will happen.

Love to each of you for your prayerful support and your love.  We couldn't do this without any of you...


Angela Eads said...

Just know that you're in my thoughts. You're a beautiful person and your family will come. I'm sorry the process is so painful and emotionally exhausting.

The Rogers Family said...

Love ya girl...hugs across the miles! Wish I lived closer and I'd bring ya a hot meal and watch chick flicks with ya...hang in are a strong person, and you will get through this...take your time and rest when you can.

The Rogers Family

Rachel said...

I came across your comment on Raechel Myer's blog, and I had to respond. I, too, have lost three babies to miscarriage. Reading your post took me right back to the emergency room where I lay as I lost my own babies. There is no hurt so strange or painful. I am praying for you as you mourn what "should have been," and I pray for God's peace and peoples' sensitivity for you. I pray that God will bless you as He did Hannah.