Earlier this year, on St. Patrick's Day in fact, I peed on a stick, and saw the miracle of two little lines. We were pregnant again! After all the heartache we suffered in losing our baby Squooshy last summer, we were more than ecstatic, and a little nervous. What if we lost this one too? I kept shaking off the thought. Surely we wouldn't lose two in a row. Many pregnancies - 25% in fact - end in miscarriage, but the chances that a woman will have two in a row are pretty slim. My doctor said so! We were so encouraged by that thought. We told our friends and family, and set about being a pregnant couple. We soon began hearing about other friends who were pregnant, and due at the same time! How exciting to share this journey with other families we knew! This happened when we were pregnant the first time too. Two of my favorite friends we pregnant at the same time. Thankfully they didn't lose their babies like we did. JJ and Ben are healthy and vibrant little boys!
This second pregnancy didn't go so well. In fact, when there were problems just a few weeks after we found out, we had an ultrasound, and they couldn't even find the baby. They tried again on another day - still nothing. We were losing this time too. Somehow it felt different - less traumatic - because we had never seen the baby, heard the heartbeat, watched him wiggle around like we had before. The doctor suggested we just wait for my body to miscarry on it's own rather than schedule a DNC. That was fine with me. I didn't need more medical bills! The miscarriage started happening right when we landed in New Orleans on our vacation, and continued through the entire trip.
Now we're here in November - the due date of that second pregnancy is fast approaching. Although this second miscarriage wasn't as difficult as the first (emotionally - physically it was way worse), it's still hard for me to hear about all these friends welcoming children into their families. Sometimes I long for the days when thoughts of having children weren't residing in large sections of my heart. I wish I could welcome these friends' babies without thoughts of my own failures swirling in the back parts of my brain.
I truly am excited for them. I just wish I wasn't jealous too...
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2 comments:
Jealously is natural. It is okay. We are praying for you. We know how hard it is for you both. I had a very wierd dream with you in it last night and this morning you were really on mind. It you need to talk or yell or cry I am here. I miss ya friend and I praying many blessing to come your way!
One of my best friends had an early miscarriage - she and I were at the same point in pregnancy (7 weeks) and having the same symptoms (bleeding, cramping, etc.), and she miscarried and I didn't.
I feel SOOO guilty. I wish I could pause my pregnancy for a year and give her time to heal. I told her I was afraid that being around my baby would be painful because of her loss, and that it would affect our friendship which I cherish. She was so graceful, she told me that she figured that her loss would give her a special bond with my baby, and that she isn't angry at me over the way things turned out. It was such a relief, even though I know that the mere sight of me, at 31 weeks now, must hurt. Still, she has never let it show. She's always the first one to ask how I'm feeling and what she can do to help.
If my baby's a girl, I'm planning on naming her Anne Karen - my friend who had the loss is Karen Ann. :) Of course, my husband wants to name the baby June, but he's weird - the birthday will be in December! - and I can talk him out of it. If not, June Karen has a nice ring to it.
Anyway, my point (and I do have one for a change) is that it's also hard for your friends who didn't experience pregnancy loss. Not as hard as it is for you, of course, but they're hurting and they feel guilty. They're probably really afraid that they'll lose your friendship over it, and that scares them. Most of all, they wish they could go back and change the outcome of your pregnancy somehow, or take your pain away. They hate knowing that seeing them and seeing their babies hurts you.
I don't even know you IRL, and my heart is breaking for your losses. I'm so sorry.
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