Worship with Bernie

Bishop Coyner came to my office for the day Monday. We talked a lot of ministries going on in our district that are vital and those who are merely being "propped up" by our resources. So much of our time and money and energy and buildings are being wasted on programs and ministries that should really just be allowed to die. Look around the town where you live. Chances are you have at least one United Methodist Church within a few miles of your house. I want you to try to think of 3 good, vital ministries that church has that really reach people in the community. Can you think of any? Many churches in our denomination are so caught up in traditions, buildings, and other things that really don't matter. Just because we did ministry effectively "that way" 50 years ago doesn't mean it will be effective still.

When Bishop Mike talked about this problem in our church, I couldn't help but see this face in my mind:



You've seen Weekend at Bernie's, right? It's a hilarious movie. I must have watched it a thousand times when I was younger. I had an odd crush on Andrew McCarthy, and you have to admit the antics of trying to make a dead man look alive are pretty entertaining. They put sunglasses on him, take him to fun parties, take him water skiing, etc. You see quickly that it's a real chore dragging around a dead body trying to make him seem alive. The guys fake it for a while, and fool quite a few people. Eventually a few people catch on, the body gets rank, and the challenge of simulating life in death becomes too much to bear.

Do you have a "Bernie" ministry in your church? What can we do to bury all our Bernies and put our time and energy in to vital ministries???

Fresh Grief...

A friend of mine e-mailed to ask how I had been doing lately considering all of the health issues I have experienced in the past year+. She is a close friend, and I found myself dumping all of this on her. I don't know why I feel like sharing this with you - some of you I know, most of you are strangers. I use this blog as a sad excuse for a journal though, so I'm letting you in on parts of this message. (I realize that I have yet to write about the issues at the chiropractor early this summer. The stroke is referenced below, and I promise I'll get around to writing it all out soon.)

"We were cleaning our office last night (making room for our new computer), and I found the positive pregnancy test from March. Maybe it's a little gross that we kept it, but I had never seen a positive one before! At the time, I couldn't bear to throw it away. We hid it in the office, and then ended up having a miscarriage. I hadn't seen it since until last night. My stomach just turned over and over as I looked at those two little pink lines. There was so much awesomeness tied into that stick months ago, and now it just makes me nauseous and sad. I quickly threw it in the trash, and maybe a little bit of hope went in the trash with it.

I think that's one of the worst parts of this whole miscarriage thing. I look back on these pregnancies, and I have such mixed emotions. The day I found out I was pregnant with Squooshy last summer was one of the best days of my entire life. Being able to tell my parents, my siblings, my grandma - everyone!, that I was pregnant was amazing. But even though I loved that day, thinking of it now makes me immediately fill with sadness. Miscarriage sucked all the joy out of those amazing moments, and left my heart full of sour memories. Add that to the fact that our desire for children remains unfulfilled, and this miscarriage stuff just plain sucks!

I was in Chicago with my sister last weekend, and we went to the Museum of Science and Industry. It's an awesome museum! If you've never been, you should. Anyway - I hadn't been since middle school, and I remembered an exhibit they had then. They still have it now, and it's a series of 30-40 fetuses, in age order from conception to birth. They are all real children who were miscarried or aborted or stillborn, so it's sad to look at all those little lives that never were. It's a neat exhibit though, and I forced myself to look at the one that was about 12 weeks along - where Squooshy was when we lost him. I had read online what he would have looked like, what had been forming on his little body, what he was doing, hearing, seeing, etc. But I could never quite picture in my mind the size of him. What he might actually look like. I had hoped that he would have been unrecognizable - like a blob or a mass of bone and skin and veins. Like a foreign object that my body couldn't be faulted for discarding. At the same time I had hoped he would look like a person. We thought of him as our baby - he was OUR BABY - a child, a human. If he looked like a person, then certainly he was worthy of the value we placed on him. Certainly the sadness in our hearts would have been validated.

I'll never know exactly what he looked like. Was Squooshy even a boy? We'll never know that either. I always think of him as a HIM. While I was pregnant, I had dreams of a 4-5 year old boy with blond curly hair and bright blue eyes. I'll never know if I was right. What I know now is that Squooshy was definitely a BABY. Very recognizable as a person with arms, legs, fingers, toes, a nose, ears, lips, etc. He had genitalia, so we would have known if HE was a SHE. He had started growing hair, and already had fingernails. He was small, but not too small to snuggle gently. He would have fit in one of my hands, but he would have almost filled it. Seeing that little baby, enshrined in a case for millions to see, made fresh grief wash over me. I don't know the actual baby in that case, but to me, at that moment, my little baby was right in front of my eyes. Separated for eternity by a pane of bulletproof glass.

Ugh...it was so hard to see, but I couldn't keep myself from the exhibit. I could have. It's set apart in a room that I could have easily avoided. I just couldn't though. I had to know. I had to see what was, and imagine again what could have been.

That experience has made the sadness a little more present lately. I must admit that I am disappointed to still be so sad about it. I had hoped that time would reduce my sorrow. Perhaps it just makes it less frequent.

All of this to say - I'M OKAY! I am so glad to be alive, even though life is hard to live some days. I already knew I had an awesome husband, but a fresher, stronger appreciation for him has really blossomed. Thankfully throughout all of this I have not had a crisis of faith. It has never once occurred to me that God might not be real or might not love me just as much as he always has. My God is the same as he was before we lost 2 babies and before my brain was irreparably damaged. He'll continue to be the same as we move forward with a brain injury and keep trying to create a family. He's the same God RIGHT NOW as we learn to be a family of 2 and as we learn to adjust to my new issues created by the stroke. I have been angry and sad and asked "WHY?" a gazillion times, but I have never felt abandoned or unloved. I guess that's something to hold on to, right?

A heavy heart is a difficult thing to live with, but we can thank God for the heart that's strong enough to handle the heaviness, right? I just keep telling myself that. I would rather feel this than feel nothing at all."

Reflecting on my first 30 years...

When I wake up in the morning I will be 30. It's not old by any stretch of the imagination, but it does seem so much more mature than 29. My grandmother will tell you that life begins at 50, so perhaps I'm still just starting out. I think that's what perplexes me about this new age. 30 means I am an adult - a grown up. I am responsible for myself and my actions. I have a job. I have a home to care for. I have pets that depend on me. I have bills. Car payments. Insurance. Financial planning. It's all very adult-y. Yet to so many 30 is very young. In many ways I am still starting out.

In my previous post I listed 40 things I want to accomplish by the time I'm 40. I can't help but feel some disappointment at the things I haven't seen and done by now. It occurred to me this evening that perhaps I need to shift my perspective, and think about the things I have done up to this point. So, here you go...my 30 in 30:

I have:

1. Married my best friend
2. Had two jobs that I have loved
3. Learned about food and cooking
4. Visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
5. Visited the Baseball Hall of Fame
6. Learned to enjoy baseball...really!
7. Moisturized every day
8. Vacationed in New Orleans twice, and fell in love with the city on accident
9. Discovered Ikea
10. Dug my feet in the sand on the Gulf of Mexico
11. Painted my nails about 300 different colors
12. Driven to Gatlinburg 4 times to support our neice and nephew
13. Met new neices and a nephew (Kamryn, Clarissa and Harrison) and have fallen in love with them on purpose
14. Witnessed a birth live
15. Acquired three pets that I adore (most of the time)
16. Lived in 7 homes in 6 different cities
17. Learned how to cross-stitch
18. Owned 7 vehicles
19. Learned to scrapbook and make cards
20. Bought my own furniture (sounds silly, but buying our own brand new furniture was a real experience!)
21. Made life-long friends
22. Tended old friendships from far away - hopefully successfully
23. Learned that my sister is my best friend
24. Realized that my brother is one of my favorite people to talk to (it took moving out of my parents' house to discover both of these things!)
25. Made some of my mother's best dishes (Swiss Steak, Kale and Sausage, Pineapple Upside-Down Cake, Beef Stroganoff)
26. Learned to appreciate family history like my dad does
27. Received some beloved recipes from my great Grandma, and successfully made her Cherry Delight with my little sister (one of my favorite memories)
28. Grown closer to my Grandma Alice, and learned to love sitting and talking with her.
29. Trusted that God's plan was perfect
30. Witnessed first-hand that God's peace is there to comfort you right when you need it

Thank you Lord for a great 30 years. I have definitely experienced some trouble - some innocently, and some by my own doing - but I have yet to doubt that you are King of my heart and my life. However many years you see fit to give me, I will continue to love you for who you are, and thank you for the people you have let me share my life with.

Can you be a Christian and gay???

Matt and I just finished watching Jennifer Knapp on Larry King Live. The premise of the show was "Can you be Christian and gay?" Jennifer has recently revealed publicly that she has been in a serious relationship with a woman for the past 7 or 8 years - confirming rumors that have been swirling about for the better part of the last decade.

First, I want to say that I have LONG been a fan of Jennifer Knapp. I remember seeing her for the first time many years ago when she opened for DC Talk in Indianapolis. I had never heard her music before, but as soon as she came on stage, I was instantly taken. Her music is powerful, but her lyrics are even more so. That woman can really string some words together! Her sound is raw and soulful, and her songs have always seemed to speak to my life in a very real and authentic way. I always get the feeling that Jennifer is who she is - no apologies. Through her music she seems to be so honest in both her praise of her savior and her questions about her faith. It's a beautiful thing...

I am surprised to see her on Larry King Live. I know her public revelation about her sexuality has really become big news, but I guess I always feel as though "Christian" artists are quickly disregarded by the mainstream. I suppose it's a good thing that this topic is becoming more and more prevalent though.

I have never watched Larry King before, and let me say this: I WILL NEVER WATCH AGAIN. He is so bad about interrupting people! It was really frustrating to watch. Plus, how many breaks do we really need in one hour? I joked with Matt that he must be having prostate issues because of all the potty breaks he was taking. (That's so mean...but it's funny, right? Just kidding...prostate issues aren't funny.) Besides the interrupting and the breaks, he really seems to only hear what he wants to hear. He would totally twist people's words into something dramatic to try to cause conflict. I'm sure that stirring up drama is good for his ratings, but it's rude and dishonest. I felt like a skeez just watching that show (and I watch some crazy TV people!).

I became a Christian when I was 16 years old, and have been struggling with the issue of homosexuality ever since. Someone who I love very much is gay, so right away the question of whether homosexuality is a sin was addressed in my soul. I have to say that 14 years later, that question remains unanswered. Now, I have not spent scads of time debating and researching and praying about this or anything. It's just always something that's in the back of my mind, and it comes out to stretch its limbs once in a while. As I have continued in my life as a Christian, I have met and loved others who are gay or who question the sinfulness of homosexuality. I have had some really enlightening, inspired conversations with these people, but I still have yet to make up my mind about it. The question still remains for me: What does God think about homosexuality?

The question I want to raise tonight is this: Can you be a gay Christian?

I am a follower of Christ. In an attempt to be totally open and real with you, I will tell you that I sin in a myriad of ways. I could list them, but I won't. These sins are either being dealt with now or have been already. The victory has been won either way, and that is between me and God. What I will tell you is this: My sins - past, present or future - do not keep me from loving God or receiving his love, grace, mercy or salvation. I fully understand that sin separates us from God, but I also understand that Christ came to bridge that gap my sin created. By accepting Christ into my life, and by continuing to seek forgiveness and redemption every day, I now enjoy an awesome relationship with my creator.

I am a heterosexual woman, married to a man. Not once in my life as a Christian (or before for that matter) has it occurred to me that my sexuality has anything to do with whether or not I can give love to or receive love from God. I know that God has created marriage, and that he created sex within marriage to be a gift. Trust me - I appreciate that on a fairly regular basis! ;) I don't know that if I were a homosexual woman in a serious relationship with another woman that my relationship with God would be much different. I just don't see how my sexual orientation blocks out the love and salvation that God has for me. Obviously I am only speculating. Maybe things would be totally different. I will never know.

What I do know is that GOD LOVES US ALL. Gay or straight. White or black. Male or female. American or not. Let's not get all caught up on who is a sinner and who isn't, because WE ALL ARE! Instead, let's get caught up in loving one another and supporting each other in our walk. There's so much more that needs our attention folks. Satan is at work among us, and he's using crap like this to divide us even more. Kick him in the face and love the crap out of each other!

What do you think?

(P.S. Jennifer? You are FABULOUS! So glad you're back!)

"same old song when things go wrong..."

I knew I hadn't blogged in a while, but I didn't realize it had been over two months. I know that no one reads this blog as a way to fill some sort of void in their life, so I really don't NEED to apologize for being gone for so long. I feel like I should apologize though. I can't explain it. I think I do that a lot - apologize. Anyway, whether I need to do it or not, I'm apologizing for being gone for so long.

Apologizing for not writing makes me a little sick. I usually love to write, and this blog was a place for me to do that. Whether I was writing about nail polish or losing our baby or music or whatever, blogging made me feel like I was connecting to that person that lives inside of myself - like she was finally getting to say all those things she was thinking. Knowing that she has not had that opportunity for quite some time makes me feel sad for her. And knowing that it's entirely possible that I won't blog again for a few more months makes that apology I just made up there seem trite.

It's the same old song when things go wrong (right Dad?), and when things go wrong with me, I suddenly drop the things I love. For MONTHS I have neglected writing, reading, cooking...all things I love intensely. It's as if I have simply lost the inspiration to do any of these activities. I have been working, cleaning house, watching TV and playing video games. That's about it. Looking back, I realize what a sad little existence I've been having lately, and I hate it.

Christmas was a blur. It was my worst Christmas ever, and I think it has everything to do with the fact that I knew deep inside that this should have been one of the best Christmases ever. I should have been very pregnant at Christmas, and instead my uterus reminded me day after day that it was empty. I thank God for my sister, who came to my rescue one Tuesday, and helped me get a jump start on cleaning my house for a church party we were hosting later that week. Her motivation to help me ignited the little bit of Christmas spirit that I had and it fueled me to get the house taken care of, presents wrapped, etc. I (hope) that Christmas came and went without my family realizing how miserable I was, but even if they didn't I guess the cat's out of the bag now. Oh well, it's over now. Maybe this Christmas will be better.

Some of my misery has a little to do with the increased hormones that are raging through my body. In December I started taking Clomid again, this time with Dexamethasone, a steroid that has been shown to increase fertility in some women when taken with Clomid. In December I took 50 mgs of Clomid. This month I am taking 100 mgs of Clomid, and next month (if I'm not pregnant) I will be taking 150 mgs. These meds, coupled with "coupling" obviously, should get me pregnant again. My new doctor is VERY optimistic, but I can't help feeling unsure. I am hopeful, but it seems like for a lot of my life, I am always waiting for that other shoe to drop. I can't help but think, "Okay, so we get pregnant. What if we lose THIS baby too?" The thought hurts me so much, I can't bear to think about it.

The pain that I have endured since August 11th is nothing short of monumental. Those first couple of days I kept getting comments from people about how strong I was, about how my faith was sustaining me, about how inspiring my attitude was. Looking back now, I think I was in shock over it all, and God's peace stepped in and allowed me to coast for a while. Since the reality of it all has sunk in, life just seems to suck a little. I close in on our due date, and I can't help but think about my friends who are due around the same time I was. I dread getting those calls from them to let me know their babies are here, safe and sound. I love them (and their babies) dearly, but will I be able to hold it together for them? Or will I break down in tears on the phone? I don't know...and I don't know how to prepare for it. I don't know how to prepare myself for February 26th either. Should we do something special, or just treat it like it's another day?

I can't help but get mad at God a little now and then about this whole mess. I mean, it took us almost 4 years to get pregnant to begin with. Shouldn't I have been able to keep the one baby we were actually able to conceive? Doesn't He see how unfair this is? Doesn't He know how much it hurts to lose a child? (Oh wait...yeah He does.) It just sucks. It sucks knowing that I can so easily turn my hurt and anger on God when I profess so much to have such great faith in Him.

5 months after our miscarriage, I am still hurting, and I can't help but wonder if the pain will ever go away. It must, right? I read blogs by women who have lost babies before, and their hurt seems to have been greatly diminished. I wonder, though, if that's because they have children to hold and raise after the fact. What if I never get that? What if I never have a child to call my own? Will this pain just sit in my chest throbbing for my whole life? I hope I never have to find out.

Having a baby just seems like the easiest thing in the world to do, and here I am, totally unable (so far) to accomplish this task. People who are totally unable and unfit to be parents do it all the time. Why can't I? Just doesn't seem right...but maybe that's a little self-righteous of me. I'm not perfect...just a little desperate I suppose.

So that's where I am. Yesterday at this time I was having a great weekend. We entertained (twice!) this weekend, the house was clean, I was cooking. It was great! Then last night as we laid down to go to sleep, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This grief just shows up out of nowhere, and smacks me down. And with one fell swoop, a great weekend ends with sobbing in bed, wrapped up in Matt's arms as he tries to console me. It's a big job, being married to me, and he's pretty great at it. I am so thankful for him.

I want to update you on things in my life though. Like my job, the new business my family and I are trying to get off the ground, etc. This just doesn't seem like the post for it though. I'll check back in soon...

Tonight in Hillsboro...

Tonight in a tiny town called Hillsboro...

-As I complained about swollen ankles and an empty stomach, she succumbed to the cancer that ravaged her young body.

-As I mindlessly thought ahead to tomorrow night's plans with my mother, sister and grandmother, her children and siblings were struggling to imagine what life would be like tomorrow without her.

-As I watched the clock in anticipation of going home to snuggle in bed with my husband, her husband was kissing the love of his life goodbye.

I'm so sad tonight at the death of one of our church members. Certainly to us it seems as though her life was much too short. Our feeble minds try unsuccessfully to understand the purpose and meaning behind such a cruel death. I am trying to remember that death is really just another part of life. I am not naive enough to think that any one of us is lucky enough, rich enough or strong enough to cheat death, so why is it still so hard to lose the people we love? Perhaps it reminds us of all that we have yet to do and say. It reminds us of wrongs that we have yet to right - or rights we want to right again.

Being in ministry during times like these always seems hard. I watch as Matt walks along side these friends of ours, and see how much it affects him. He may not have the overflow of emotions like I do, but the pain he experiences with these families is plain to see.

We must have faith, though, that God is true to His word; that He works in all things for GOOD. It's not good that this friend is gone, but we KNOW that God will work in this situation for GOOD. He always does - and we know that He will continue to do so. I am thankful tonight that this woman knows the lord, and that tonight she is with him in paradise. For Christians, death is always a sad thing, but we rejoice in the fact that this is NOT THE END. There is something more - something better - waiting for us.

I am mourning for this family tonight friends. My heart breaks for them....


And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
-Casting Crowns

TUESDAY TUNES - "You Are the Woman"

I know - I missed last Tuesday. I'm sorry. Last week was CRAZY! Here's what our week looked like: Gatlinburg, Lexington/Wilmore, Indianapolis, Veedersburg, Noblesville, Veedersburg, back to Noblesville, back home to Veedersburg. WHEW! Throw in my trip to the emergency room in Noblesville Wednesday night, and you've got yourself a BUSY WEEK! I'm sure this sounds like a bunch of excuses, but get over it. It's my blog, and if I want to miss a week, I can do that. :)

Today's song is really special to me for a lot of reasons. This is a song that I remember hearing a lot when I was growing up. My mom would sing this song to me when I was little, and I remember hearing this album playing often at our house.

A couple years ago I took part in a spritual direction retreat led by my friend Peg in Wilmore. I signed up for the retreat without knowing a lot about it. I showed up not knowing a soul. I was the only woman there who wasn't a student at the seminary, and I felt COMPLETELY out of place.

I'm not sure I can put into words exactly what this retreat was like. I imagine it was different for all of us. At some point during the weekend, we each got a chance to "work" through issues that God wanted to deal with, and we were guided by Peg (and the Holy Spirit of course) through this process in a loving way. It was totally amazing. I know it sounds wild and a little crazy, but just trust me on this one.

I was the last girl to "work" that weekend. I remember sitting through the whole retreat, and wondering what it was that God wanted to work through with me. My marriage? My family? My discipline (or lack therof)? I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something inside of me was stirring - I knew God had an issue He needed to bring to my attention.

I sat down in that circle of women - nervous as anything - and I tried to steer the conversation towards the issue I finally decided I wanted to work on. We talked for some time, and sensing that this was the wrong topic, Peg asked me to close my eyes, and ask Jesus what He wanted to work through. I closed my eyes, and the memory of a familiar photograph flashed in my mind. It was a photograph I had looked at thousands of times before, but I hadn't seen it in years. It was my high school boyfriend's sophomore yearbook picture.

I remember squinting my eyes and shaking my head - almost as if I was trying to push the memory away. Peg (she's just so intuitive) asked what I saw, and when I told her, she knew that we had to found our issue.

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here about what happened. He's not a caveman - he knows how to use the internet and he may someday find this little blog of mine. We have a lot of mutual friends still, and I don't want to dredge up old drama. I won't even give his first name, because honestly, you don't really care.

We dated for a little more than 18 months. We fell in love (as much as 15 year olds can), spent all our time together, had lots of fun, and made a LOT of mistakes. He ended the relationship, and I really did not take it well (understatement of the millenium). He ended up dating a really good friend of mine not too long after that, so that threw our group of friends into a tailspin of drama; sides were chosen, people felt victimized, and we all felt like our little world was crashing down on us (or maybe it was just me). We continued a physical relationship - even though we both were dating other people - and I continued to believe in my teenaged brain that we would be together in the end. Young love is so brutal, isn't it? Oy - if only I knew then what I know now. Hindsight is 20/20 though, and I definitely see how God worked in my life to bring me through that muck and mire to the point I am today. I wasn't a Christian at the time, and I only knew Matt as a friend, but God used this situation to bring Matt and I together as best friends, and used Matt to steer me towards the Lord. I am so thankful that God works in every situation for good.

Anyway - back to the retreat. We worked on lingering issues I had from this tumultuous relationship. Issues that seriously affected my sexuality, my self-esteem, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God. It was an amazing time for me - so healing and wonderful!

After we had finished, we were praying together as a group. As these women came around me to pray over me, God brought this song to my mind. I remember hearing the lyrics, "You are the woman that I've always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face, and that's the last I've seen of my heart." It was almost as if God were singing it to me!

I remember thinking that no one would ever love me as much as that boyfriend once had. Then - years later - I discovered that Matt loved me more. That day, as I heard this song playing in my head, I knew that God loved me even more than Matt could ever dream. He really is the lover of my soul, and although He began wooing me years ago, that day was the day I realized that THIS was the romance of my life. This is like, OUR song...God's and mine. I really think that when I get to heaven, Jesus will be there waiting to dance with me to this one!

With that being said, enjoy "You Are the Woman" by Firefall. This is from their first album, and if you don't own it, you should! This isn't the only good song on the album.



You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's not so much the things you say to me
It's not the things you do
It's how I feel each time you're close to me
That keeps me close to you, woh oh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's not so much your pretty face I see
It's not the clothes you wear
It's more that special way you look at me
That always keeps me there, woh oh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's hard to tell you all the love I'm feelin'
That's just not my style
You got a way of send my senses reelin'
Every time you smile, woh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart
(I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart)
Of my heart, oh, of my heart

Caution Tape

Friends,

I am so excited to be able to share these following words with you. Ted Lyddon Hatten is the Conference Artist for the Iowa Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church. We were blessed to have him speak at our PAUMCS conference this week in Des Moines. I was so moved by these words, that I e-mailed Ted, and asked if he would mind sending me the statement. He was very gracious to share this with me. The first part explains a little about the art he created, and the rest is a beautiful, haunting statement for you to read and meditate on. Enjoy...

The artwork for the PAUMC gathering was created to be part of a larger installation for the 2005 Iowa Annual Conference Session. Our theme that year was Stewards of Creation. In addition to these three images, I incorporated sod and caution tape in various locations throughout venue. The following words served as my artist statement. tlh

They call it caution tape and it is intended to be noticed. Yellow with black letters – Police use it to cordon off a crime scene. Construction workers use it to mark off an area in need of repair. You are supposed to see it, to take note, take caution.

If your eyes are open you will see the caution tape around here and what it surrounds. It is sod; grass. There are seven circles of sod – four in the building and three elsewhere. It is up to you to decide if the sod enclosed by the caution tape is a crime scene or an area in need of repair. If it is a crime scene you’ll want to be careful not to touch it – you wouldn’t want to leave fingerprints. It’s the oil that does you in. The oil. That’s why fingerprints can be left on a wet glass. It’s the oil. And you need a solvent to dissolve oil. Petroleum distilled and refined works well. Wipe down what you touch and not even of trace of you will remain. It is also handy as a fuel for the combustion engine in your car, your SUV, and your RV. With gasoline we can go wherever we want in speed and comfort.

“Sovereign God, when we look upon the heavens, at all of creation, and we see the work of your fingers.”

“Stewards of Creation” is our theme for this year’s Annual Conference.

Adam and Eve were the first stewards of creation and they have taught us well. They did not ask to be made but made they were. Made in God’s image which means they were hungry. They found themselves in a garden that had everything they needed – including limits. Abundance beyond the need to measure. And they were told by their Creator to “till and to keep that garden.” Translated another way – they were told to serve the land – to be servants of the land.

I believe the future of this planet hinges on the order of those words.

And they were also told that if they honor their appetites – honor, elevate, obey their appetites they will have open eyes to see the death they have brought.

But the fruit forbidden was ripe – a delight to their eyes and they were surprised that it hung so low – so easy to reach. And with their emerging vision – just before they sank their teeth in the fruit they saw God’s fingerprints.

Hanging over the chancel for these 3 days is a triangular prism that depicts the four elements around which each of our major worship services is built. Fire, air, water, earth. The Fire is the light that shines within just as the light burns, shines within everything that lives.

Air is the side dominated by a Great Blue Heron. Her eyes are locked in on one of two things; Either danger to her offspring or food. It is possible, I suppose, that she is sizing up the fish in the adjacent panel though they nearly out-weigh her. But I think the former is more likely the truth. She has spotted danger.

In the Water swim three fish. They are either trying in vain to blend in with their surroundings or they too bear the fingerprints of a Creator apparently obsessed with color.

The water looks like the air in the other panels and the plowed ground resembles the ocean floor and the marsh and this is quite intentional. The ecosystems that enable life here are infinitely complex and intimately connected one to another. The chemicals we apply to the land end up in our water. The waste we belch into the air falls down onto the land.

The land, of course is our home and our destination. We know it well – it feeds us, shelters us, holds our roots in place and gives us life. The apple in the center of the Land panel has a pattern that, with your emerging vision, you will find in the Air and Water panels as well.

But it is tempting. Tempting to reverse the order of the words spoken to Adam and Eve by God. To act as if the land is here to serve us. Tempting to honor our appetites. Tempting to continue to repeat the sin that stopped being original a long time ago.

As the juice ran down the chin and neck of Eve and Adam – so too does the crude oil run down our chin and our neck. Our combustion engines take us from place to place with speed and comfort but petroleum, refined and distilled, is also an effective solvent. And with it, we are erasing fingerprints of the Divine.

We are stewards of creation. Each of us is called in many ways – a blend of vocations unique to us – as original as the patterns on the pads of our fingers. But to be a steward of creation – that is a calling that falls equally on us all. No one is ordained or consecrated or set apart for the roll of Steward of Creation. We are all called to this ministry.

But if we are unable or unwilling to answer that call faithfully then the sod and the earth it comes from is indeed a crime scene.

The Heron has spotted the danger to her offspring and her eyes are locked in on us.

Should we find a way to answer that call and become faithful servants of creation -

should we find a way to honor God rather than our appetite

then our already opened eyes will see Divine fingerprints

and Divine presence everywhere we look.

And we will hear the echo of God’s voice;

“It is good.”

Amen.

Ted Lyddon Hatten

Conference Artist

Iowa Annual Conference

2005

Suburbanites...

Here is the script from a skit we saw this week at PAUMCS. It's a conversation between God and St. Francis of Assisi about suburbanites... enjoy!

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the World is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back On the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the gro wth and saves Them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a Sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the Winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy Something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.............

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

God is a Greenie!

Sorry I missed Tuesday Tunes this week. I am in Des Moines for a conference, and was flying all day Tuesday. I would have set up a blog to post ahead of time, but the truth is, I've been so busy that I haven't had time to enjoy music lately!!! Ugh...I hate all this go, go, GO and being away from home.

I'm homesick, Matt-sick, kitty-sick, and bored in Iowa. I think I'm going to head out shopping or something here in a bit while we have some free time. For now though, I wanted to put up a quick post about what we're doing at this conference this week.

I am a member of the Professional Association of United Methodist Church Secretaries (PAUMCS), and we're in Des Moines for our annual conference. The theme of our conference this year is "Sowing Seeds of Promise," and we're really trying to focus on "Going Green."

I know that all this "Green" talk is getting a little annoying to some people. It seems like it's the cause-du-jour the past few years. Global warming, greenhouse gases, carbon footprints...ACK! I don't even know where to begin! This week we have had some great experts come in to teach us about what is going on in our environment, what we can do to help fix it, and why we should care.

Matt and I have been making the tiniest of baby steps to become more green at our house. We have been using reusable shopping bags a lot (although I must admit that in the beginning, it was mostly because the ones at Trader Joe's were SO CUTE!). We have purchased our first few compact flourescent light bulbs for the house, and we have been recycling our cans, plastics, and cardboard. We do these things because some part of us feels like it's right to - Matt calls me a "hippie tree-hugger" for it, but he loves me anyway.

This week it has become abundantly clear to me that we should care for our Earth because it's God's creation. Whether global warming is real or not; whether it saves us money or not - we should care for creation because God made it.

If you follow me on Twitter, you were probably bothered by my multiple posts this afternoon with some wisdom I'm taking away from this conference. If you don't follow me, you're still in luck because I'm going to post it here too! Below are some things I wrote down during our sessions in the past fewe days. Forgive me if they aren't verbatim - I was trying to listen and write at the same time...enjoy!

"In Scripture God routinely uses the natural world to accomplish His tasks. Surely He is in active relationship with His creation."

"There will never be peace on Earth until there is peace with Earth."

"Mission is not a project of the church. Mission is the PURPOSE of the church."

"Mission is a lifestyle best learned early and practiced often."

"All day long, God is at work for good in the world."

"If we are in relationship with God, we are forced into relationship with all that God has created."

So let me ask you: how do YOU care for God's creation? What are your practical suggestions for young greenies like me?

Why?

Today is Good Friday. What a solemn, somber day. Today we remember Jesus' crucifixion. We know now that in three days there will be a resurrection that will shake creation to its very core, but today...today we mourn. I think, even as people who live on this side of the resurrection, we don't fully understand just what happened that Friday hundreds of years ago. To think that our Lord would take on our sins as his own and die a criminal's death to redeem us is enough to boggle the mind.

I want you to listen to this song (it's not Tuesday...am I throwing you a curveball, or what?). It's by Nichole Nordeman (one of my favorites), and it's a song written from the perspective of a child watching the crucifixion. I hope these words both haunt and heal you today. Yes, our Lord is hanging on a cross, but he is up there paying our price. In three days he will defeat death, and will rise - and will invite us to rise with him.

It's an exciting time for Christians - this holy week we find ourselves in. I hope you are trying to place yourself in the story this week...

Going Out and Coming In...

I leave tomorrow afternoon for a 6 day trip to New Orleans with my sister and mom. I am excited to spend some quality girl time with them in such a fun town. I joked earlier with someone that I was going to eat my way through that town like Godzilla...it's probably true! I can't wait to experience all the culinary treats NOLA has to offer me.

Matt is staying behind. He has churches to run you know. He can't go off on frivolous trips like I apparently can! I am going to miss him terribly.

Being away from him (especially when I'm flying) brings up a terrible kind of fear in me. I'm afraid of death - his or mine. I hate the thought of one of us having to mourn the other's passing. I hate the thought of one of us having to learn how to do this life thing on our own. It's horribly sad, and this kind of fear has a tendency to put a damper on my fun trips. I know we are both going to heaven if something happens, but it's still a really hard thing for me to think about.

So - now I'm getting ready to go to bed the night before my super-fun trip, and I'm filled with anxiety. Years ago I went to Florida with my cousins, and Matt stayed behind. My anxiety about that trip was even worse than it is tonight, and Matt and I sat in bed cuddling and reading through some scripture. We found a Psalm that really seemed to speak to us (and calmed me right down...that's probably the most important part!). I'm sharing it here more for my benefit than yours.

Psalm 121
(English Standard Version)

¹I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

³He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
⁸The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

Pray for me while I travel please, and pray for my hubby too. We'll be missing each other!

Blessings to you...
Katie

Back in the game with a new weekly feature!

HI FRIENDS!

I can't believe I haven't blogged since O'Bama's inauguration. I'm sure most of my readers have gone buh-bye by now, but for those who have stuck around...HOLA!

I don't really have a good excuse for being gone for so long. Work has been a little stressful lately. Church is going well. Matt and the kitties and I are just trying to keep up with everything around the house. Lots of everyday, normal life things have shoved blogging down to the bottom of my priority list. (Actually, it's not quite to the bottom. Cleaning bathrooms, mopping floors, and organizing the refrigerator have fallen way below blogging!) I'm sorry to have neglected you for so long.

Good news though - I'm coming back to you with a NEW WEEKLY FEATURE! Yes folks, I'm going to attempt to make my mark on the internet with a weekly feature I'm calling Tuesday Tunes. Every Tuesday I am going to introduce you to a song that I am loving that week. It could be an old classic rock song, an 80's pop favorite or a new Christian worship track. Whatever the song, I'll give you a little insight into why I love it, fun trivia about the artist and where you can get the song for yourself.

If you're interested in doing Tuesday Tunes on your blog, feel free to copy the graphic below to use on your posts. If you do a Tuesday Tune, please let me know, link back to me, etc., so we can get the Tuesday Tune love going! It will be fun to discover new music and learn more about each other through the songs we love, won't it? Here goes...

This week's Tuesday Tune is "Lover" by Derek Webb. It's from his album She Must and Shall Go Free.

I love Derek Webb. His sound, his lyrics, his heart - they're all so rich and authentic and relevant. He gets down and dirty about God, faith and the Church. So often as Christians we try to sugar-coat our lives to make it seem like with God everything is easy and happy. It's just not the case, and Derek always seems to make it okay to be real with ourselves about the suffering we sometimes endure as Christians.

This song is probably my second favorite on this album (my favorite is "Wedding Dress" - maybe I'll Tune it in the future.). I have been stuck on it for a few weeks now. The version on the actual album is a little better (IMHO) because of the vocal harmony, but this video is still pretty good. I love the way Derek portrays Jesus as a lover who will do anything for the one he is in love with - his Church. I think this is a beautiful song, and I hope you like it.

Lover
words and music by derek webb

like a man comes to an alter i came into this town
with the world upon my shoulders and promises passed down
and i went into the water and my father, he was pleased
i built it and i’ll tear it down so you will be set free

but i found thieves and salesmen living in my father’s house
i know how they got in here and i know how to get ‘em out
i’m turning this place over from floor to balcony
and then just like these doves and sheep you will be set free

i’ve always been a lover from before i drew a breath
some things i loved easy and some i loved to death
because love’s no politician, it listens carefully
of those who come i can’t lose one, so you will be set free

but go on and take my picture, go on and make me up
i’ll still be your defender, you’ll be my missing son
and i’ll send out an army just to bring you back to me
because regardless of your brother’s lies you will be set free

i am my beloveds and my beloved’s mine
so you bring all your history and i’ll bring the bread and wine
and we’ll have us a party where all the drinks are on me
then as surely as the rising sun you will be set free

Barack O'Pocalypse?

You probably don't know this, but Barack Obama is being sworn in today. I'm a little dismayed at the lack of media coverage myself. You would think it would be covered on every single channel or something. Psh...

This election was a crazy one, wasn't it? Never in my lifetime has there been such excitement and energy about choosing a new leader for our country. I'm not really interested in politics too much, but as election day closed in, even I was comparing the candidates, weighing my options. In fact, even my dad voted for the first time in all of his 57 years.

Throughout the months leading up to the election, much mud was slung from one side to the other. Suddenly our friends and neighbors became political experts. Everyone was desperate to convince us that their candidate was the right choice, and that the other candidate was trash.

Some people even tried to tell us that Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ.

Before I go further with this post, I need to make a few things clear. First, I don't think Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ. Has it occured to me that he might be? Sure. BUT I've also wondered if Oprah or Bono or many others are the Anti-Christ. (I don't discriminate: black women, white men, they're all considered for the role!) Second, this isn't some crazy attempt to slam Obama on his big day. After I weighed all my options, opinions, etc., I chose him over McCain. I know this is an exciting time for America, and I am not trying to put a damper on the day.

People have been trying to identify the Anti-Christ for hundreds of years. Since the ressurection of Christ, it seems like there has been someone shouting from the street corner that Jesus is coming soon - The End is Near! Generations upon generations of people have lived in expectation of the second coming, and died having never seen it.

I believe that one day Christ will return, and a whole cavalcade of awful events will usher in His coming. I believe that there will probably be an Anti-Christ, but I'm not 100% sure on who it would be, what he or she will be like, etc. There are hordes of people out there who have very exact images in their minds about how this all will go down, and I'm sure a lot of that certainty comes from their reading of the popular Christian fiction series "Left Behind." There are probably even a few people out there who have opinions on the end times based on eschatological studies. (Did I just make up a word? I don't even know...) I am neither of these. I am simply a Christian who waits, and lives in the meantime.

I am certain of one thing though, and that is what I want to make very clear to you today. Nothing we do will change these events. Let's just say for the sake of argument that Barack Obama is indeed the Anti-Christ. Does anyone really think that by keeping him from becoming president, we might hinder his demonic abilities? Do we really think that we can keep Jesus from coming back by keeping Obama out of the White House? I don't think so. I'm not a theologian by any stretch of the imagination, but I really don't think it would make a big difference.

If you really think the Anti-Christ is coming, why not channel that anxious energy into some serious, hard-core evangelism? If the end really is near, shouldn't we be doing all we can to show our friends and family the truth about God?

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? I look forward to your comments...

A Christmas Miracle

I have blogged here about my struggle with getting pregnant. Matt and I have wished for a baby for quite a few years now, but still don't have a baby to add to our little family. It's something we pray about all the time, and we really do have faith that God will bring us children someday.

I always fantasize about how we will tell our family we are pregnant. One of my favorite fantasies is one where we announce it at the big family Christmas gathering. I imagine us giving my grandmother a gift that reveals our news like a framed sonogram picture, and as she opens it and realizes what it means, everyone explodes with excitement for us. I can't even picture it in my head without tearing up a bit, and I know that if it were to actually happen, I would be bawling like a baby.

This is the fourth Christmas that we have wished to make an announcement like this, but have been unable to. Someday I'm sure we'll be able to reveal the expansion of our family, but every Christmas that goes by until then, I can't help but feel sad that it's not time yet.

Our niece slept with us last night, and as I laid there watching her sleep, I couldn't help but wish that we had one just like her. If we had been able to conceive when we first started trying, our child would be around Kamryn's age. I watch her grow, and I fall in love with her over and over again...and I wonder what our life would be like if we had a little cousin for her.

Sorry for such a sad post so close to Christmas. I am actually feeling quite upbeat about Christmas this year, but I did have this moment of sadness last night (and early this morning) that I wanted to share. Maybe no one reads my sad blogs, but it sure feels good to put it out there, ya know?

Regardless of whether I have a child or not, I'm not letting my sadness cloak the importance of this season. While I yearn for a baby to call my own, I know that many years ago a baby came call me His, and THAT is what Christmas is all about.

Merry Christmas to each of you. May you know who you are and WHOSE you are...

Silent Night...

I know I haven't blogged in a while. Forgive me - it's been quite messy around here lately. I was sick for almost 10 days. I had tonsilitis, laryngitis and a cold all at the same time. My boss's wife passed away last week. My great-uncle passed away too. We were in Indy for two funerals on two consecutive days, and my heart is feeling a little heavy from it all. We also just found out that our good friend had open-heart surgery last week. I'm thinking it's not such a lucky time to be friends with me right now!

Christmas can get so hectic, can't it? All the shopping, baking, parties, programs, blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong - I love shopping and baking and parties and programs. They really create a special buzz in the air - a bustle, if you will. The energy and spirit I see at Christmastime is like none other. Still, sometimes I can do without the bustle. Sometimes I just want the peace. The Silent Night.

I have to say that I am really kind of sick of Silent Night. We sing it at every single Christmas Eve service, and year after year I can't help but think, "Let's sing something different this year! What about 'O Come, O Come Emmanuel' or 'O Holy Night'?" We always sing "Silent Night," and always lift our candles in the dark sanctuary for the last verse. It has seemed a little cheesy to me for a while, and I'm over it.

Monday afternoon my office hosted a luncheon for retired United Methodist clergy in our area. We do this every year as a way to keep in touch with them, help them keep in touch with each other, and show our thanks for their many years of faithful ministry. It really was a nice event. We had a great turnout, even though the weather was a little nasty, and people seemed to have a nice time. My friend Julie came to entertain the crowd with her beautiful singing. She has a spectacular voice, and she really is a wonderful entertainer. She has this way of drawing you in, and making you feel like she's singing just for you. It's awesome!

After a few songs, she asked if they would like to sing some Christmas carols together, and they all seemed up for it. She asked if there were any requests to start us off. A voice from across the room suggested "Silent Night." I remember thinking, "Ugh. I am SO over this song!" But I decided to be a good sport, and sing along.

I couldn't sing for very long. That crowd could SING! They sang "Silent Night" in four (maybe five) part harmony, with so much passion and reverence, it brought tears to my eyes! Here were over 100 people who had served countless congregations for decades upon decades, who had probably sung this song at every Christmas Eve service they ever preached or attended - and they were singing that song as if they were singing it to Jesus himself.

I felt so convicted right there. If THEY can feel this much reverence for this ordinary, over-played song, what's wrong with me? Isn't that what Christmas is about? Jesus came to bring the "extra" in front of "ordinary," didn't He? This extraordinary savior was born to an ordinary woman. The man who would shepherd us all the way to the gates of an extraordinary Heaven was born in a very ordinary Bethlehem. His extraordinary, redeeming blood was spilled on an ordinary cross, built for ordinary criminals. An extraordinary Lord for very ordinary people - like you and me.

So this year at Christmas, I'm reclaiming Silent Night for myself. In the midst of the ordinary: the malls, the parties, the gifts, the decorations, the commercials, the cha-ching at the registers, the cards, the BUSTLE, I am going to remember that extraordinary baby sitting in the creche under my tree. I will remember that He came to add the "extra" to my "ordinary." And I will sing an ordinary song like "Silent Night" with a lot more reverence. At the end of the day, we all know that Christmas is about so much more than the bustle that permeates our world at this time of year. Behind it all there is a peace to be found...a Silent Night.

Heavy Heart

Sigh...I want to write something meaningful and heartfelt, but I'm spent. My heart has been heavy the past couple of days, because my boss' wife is dying. It's only a matter of days...

She's had pancreatic cancer for just over a year now, and that is not a good cancer to have (not than any cancer is "good"). There is just nothing more the doctors can do. My boss is usually emotionally stable, so it was pretty hard to watch him cry at my desk this afternoon telling me all that has happened in the past few days. I didn't know what else to do...I just sat there and cried with him. I feel so helpless. It's my job to make things easier for him, but this time there is nothing I can do.

Sometimes I just don't understand this life we live. It's filled with so much pain and despair, and it's hard to see the good things peeking through the black cloud that's created by that sadness we feel. I'm praying hard tonight that God helps me understand just a little more about the chaos that we live in. And I'm praying even harder for a miracle...

Full Speed Ahead

I worked last night at a charge conference meeting of 6 churches in Indy. Everything went really well, and I enjoyed meeting some people I talk to on the phone regularly. It's always good to put names with faces, isn't it?

During the conference, the district superintendent who was running the meeting talked about a conversation he had with one of the pastors in his district. The pastor and his daughter were talking, and came to this conclusion:

When Jesus says, "Follow Me" it means we're going somewhere!

Can I get an AMEN? :)

How many of us answer to Jesus' call to follow Him, and expect to remain right where we are? You can certainly put me in that crowd. Here's what my prayer life has looked like for the past few weeks:

"I love you Jesus, and I want to serve you with my life and my vocation, but I want to do that RIGHT HERE. I don't want to leave my friends, my family, my favorite grocery store, my convenient mall, my church family, etc. So, if you could just reconsider this whole move-across-the-state-to-a-town-where-I-don't-know-anyone-and-the-nearest-shopping-is-in-Illinois thing, that would be AWESOME. Mkay?"

I really am so nervous about this move. I don't know yet if I'll be able to keep my job or not. I'm nervous about making all new friends, about finding my way around, and I have almost convinced myself that the people in our new churches won't like me at all. Oh - and I'm spending more than just a little time wondering what kind of bugs we'll have to deal with at our new house. (Please God - no centipedes again...please?) Oh the anxiety that I am working up in myself...it's really taking its toll! I have had some bad headaches and back pain in the past couple weeks, and I KNOW that it's because I'm stressing out so much.

God met me at church on Sunday. I know I shouldn't be surprised - He's always there. I just don't always look for Him I guess. The songs we sang, the prayers we said, the message that was given - God spoke to me through it all. It's as if He was calming me - calming my nerves and my spirit. He was reminding me that HE is everything I'll ever need.

We sang one of my favorites - You Are My All in All. This song always reminds me of being at SIFAT. I would tell most people that it's because I learned that song there. I will honestly tell you though that I think of SIFAT when I hear this song because that's where God and I first had some grown-up moments together. SIFAT was the first time I left home, and just depended on God. No parents. Not much money. No mall in the time zone (slight exaggeration). Just me and God having some good time together. It was almost like my honeymoon with Jesus, and I don't care if you think that sounds cheesy!

What does it mean for me to sing that Jesus is my "all in all"??? If I believe what I sing, he is the ONLY thing I need. So what if I don't make friends at our new home? God is really the only friend I need. So what if I can't keep my job? God's going to provide. No shopping? Don't need it - I have God. Jesus is ENOUGH. I don't need more things, more money, more friends, more activities, etc. Jesus is ENOUGH. He is my all in all.

So - Jesus has asked us to follow Him, and we're following Him to Veedersburg. We're going somewhere - us and Jesus - and He is going to be everything we need.

You are my strength when I am weak.
You are the treasure that I seek.
You are my all in all.
Seeking you as a precious jewel.
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool.
You are my all in all.

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is your name!

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame,
Rising again, I bless your name.
You are my all in all.
When I fall down, you pick me up.
When I am dry, you fill my cup.
You are my all in all.

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is your name!

To Make You Feel My Love

Matt and I are moving. His job (wait – I hate calling it a “job.” It’s his ministry…) is taking us to western Indiana, and in three weeks we’ll be leaving Noblesville. It’s been a hard few weeks leading up to this point. We knew going into United Methodist ministry that we would be moved, but it’s been hard actually experiencing it.

How do I say goodbye to a congregation that has loved me like family? How do I say goodbye to these teenagers we’ve invested so much of ourselves in? How do we pack up our entire life and move it 90 miles away without going totally insane? Living out our last few weeks here will be hard, but it will be essential for us to stay focused and committed right up to the last minute.

We started packing this weekend. We have packed all our books (45 boxes), DVD’s and games (except for the Wii, because come on – we’re completely addicted to Mario Kart). For some reason as soon as the books were packed, this house I’ve been living in for 16 months stopped feeling like home.

We packed Matt’s office last night – books, decorations, more books, etc. It’s been emotional saying goodbye to Emmanuel box by box. We had music playing on Pandora.com (oh my – you must check out this website if you haven’t already. LOVE!). We’re in the middle of packing all of his stuff, and “our song” came on. He stopped what he was doing, grabbed me, and danced with me right there. We were in his tiny office, both sweaty and dirty and dusty from packing, tired and emotional, but we still danced. We were probably both remembering our wedding day when we danced to this song for the first time as husband and wife. We were probably both remembering the night at SIFAT that made that song “ours.” We were probably both thinking about how God had not only sustained us but BLESSED us up to this point in our life together, and we were probably both remembering that God was definitely going to continue to do so as we move on to our new appointment.

It was exactly what I needed. I needed to remember that we are in this together. I needed to just stand face-to-face with my husband and remember that we are a team – partners in this ministry. And I needed to look on his gentle face, stare into his warm hazel eyes, and remember that I am so in love with him still.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love