All Places In Between

I've Moved!

2011-03-01T22:43:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all - I wanted to let you know that I have moved my blog over to Wordpress. I have posted a few things there that you have missed if you only check this site! Change your bookmarks, feed readers, etc. to http://katiediane.wordpress.com

See you over there!
Katie

Jaime

2011-01-26T11:30:00.001-05:00

We all have that friend, don't we? The friend we've known forever. The friend we got in our trouble with. The friend we spent morning, noon and night with. The friend we feel at home with - even if it's been a while since we were last together. The friend that completed our youth. This is a little post about my friend - Jaime.

Proudly wearing our new band t-shirts - wish I knew what year this was!

I have many close friends. I am so blessed to have a handful of women who I love dearly, who have been there for me for what seems like my entire life. Jaime is different though. Something inside of me knew the minute I met Jaime that my life would never be the same. She has been my kindred spirit for a long time.

We have gone through a lot together. Hair changes (many - on my part. She was my personal hair stylist when we were younger!), boyfriends (oh geez...), sneaking out, our first drinks, learning to drive, high school band and all the craziness that goes with it, etc. As we have grown from teenagers to women, our lives have changed greatly. Marriage, growing apart a bit, learning to live as adults. These are hard things to grow into. And although we don't see each other nearly as much as we should or would like, she still feels like home to me. She's like a lighthouse for me - always beaconing me back to my foundations in the midst of my crazy life.

Senior prom - 1998

Despite years of "I'm never going to have children," and "I'm just going to be an aunt," Jaime is getting ready to welcome her baby girl, Sophia Lyn, into the world in a little over a month. Nothing ever really prepares you for this. For your best friend, your partner in crime, to become a MOTHER. It seems so weird. I mean, we're just KIDS, right? But at the same time, it feels so natural. Like she's been moving towards this the entire time I've known her.

Checking out our friend's new house - 1996 or 97?

I can't wait to meet her little girl. I can't wait to snuggle her and someday tell her about just how crazy her mama is. Someday Matt and I will welcome a child to our lives as well, and I can't wait for our kids to be friends.

Mini-Olympics 1998 - We got in big trouble for our outfits, but had a great time anyway!

Growing old can be hard, but days like these I am so grateful for the lives Jaime and I are leading together but separately. Our shared history will surely lead to a fantastic future, don't you think?

At Jaime's baby shower - not sure what's up with my face, but she looks great, doesn't she? :)

A horrible Saturday...

2011-01-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

We found out Tuesday that our third pregnancy was over. The baby we were carrying had died. I knew it was only a matter of time before this little body was going to have to leave my womb. Friday I met with the doctor to talk about a D&C, and we scheduled the procedure for next Tuesday (January 25th). Up to this point, I had no bleeding or spotting or any indication of any issues, other than a small bit of discharge (I hate that word).

Saturday morning I woke up around 7:45 with the need to pee, and a small cramp told me maybe I'd have some #2 also. I sat on the toilet doing my thing, and suddenly a big cramp came over me and I felt a large amount of something gush. (Gross...I know) I knew exactly what it was before even looking. I quickly finished, woke Matt, packed a little bag, and called the hospital. My doctor was there, and alerted the emergency room that we were coming. We drove the 20 miles to the hospital, all the while I was bleeding intensely and cramping more and more. They got me back to the emergency room pretty quickly, but took what seemed like forever to get me hooked up to pain medication. I swear that IV needle was huge. It was like they were shooting a PVC pipe into my hand! The pain was making me nauseous, so a nurse held a bucket by my head until the Zofran kicked in. By 9:00 they were wheeling me into the surgery unit, and already had to give me another dose of Morphine.

I have only been put under sedation once in my life, and that was for the extraction of my wisdom teeth. I remember being afraid then, but I was much more afraid this time. For some reason, I really felt as though I was going to die. It was a horrible feeling. Matt was so good the whole time though. He stayed calm, stroked my hair to calm me down and continuously kissed me and told me he loved me and that I would be fine.

At 9:30 they wheeled me into the operating room. It was exactly what it looks like on TV. Sterile white walls, huge lights, lots of machines, everyone dressed in scrubs and caps and booties on their feet. Totally surreal. They quickly moved me to the operating table and strapped a mask over my face that pumped air into my mouth and nose. They told me to take deep breaths, and when I asked what it was, they said it was just oxygen. Liars. I was out before I was done taking my third breath.

I started coming to and I was mysteriously back on the hospital bed in the ICU. I am only now wondering how they got me back on that bed from the operating table. I'm a large woman - I can only imagine the grunts of effort it took to get me moved! I remember asking where Matt was, and asking if my parents had arrived yet. The nurse assured me that they were here and all three of them were waiting in the ICU waiting room for me. They would be able to come in once they got me awake and moving. The nausea returned, as they warned it might, but thankfully I never vomited. My cramps had subsided almost completely, and I could tell that the bleeding had seriously decreased. I remember saying lots of things as I attempted to wake up, but I'm sure not much of it made sense. I only hope I didn't embarrass myself or give away any of my most personal secrets! Soon they were getting me into my clean pants and undies that I was (thankfully) wise enough to bring. Once I was halfway dressed, they had me move to a comfy recliner and Matt and my parents were able to come in. It was so good to have them all there with me. We spent some time talking and as the time passed I became more and more alert. The nurse finally came in to help me dress the rest of the way, and I was allowed to go home. I was getting in the car around noon. All in all it was a very quick process.

Mom and Dad went home from the hospital, and Matt took me home and got me into bed. Buster cuddled with me almost all day, and Matt went to Covington to fill my prescription for pain medication and get some groceries. I slept for a few hours, and felt pretty decent the rest of the day. This morning I woke up feeling crampy, but wanted to try to go to at least one church service. I made it through service at Veedersburg, but the pain medication kicked in midway through and I had to have Matt take me home afterwards. I hate that he went to Hillsboro alone. I'm sure it was difficult for him to share our sad news with the congregation without me there. I have spent most of the day in bed sleeping with a heating pad and a cuddly kitty.

I think I'll be staying home from work tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to go back on Tuesday, but I'm not sure. My boss is very understanding, but I have a lot to do! We'll just have to see how I feel. Physically I feel drained. Emotionally I feel...okay. I hate that this pregnancy ended this way, but if it had to end, I'm glad it's over. Does that make sense? It was so weird this week walking around knowing there was a dead baby in my belly. It's so morose.

Someday we'll have a family of our own. I'm not sure how or when, but I know that it will happen.

Love to each of you for your prayerful support and your love. We couldn't do this without any of you...

Another one bites the dust...

2011-01-19T07:54:00.000-05:00

Another pregnancy that is. Crap. What a crappy, crappy day we had yesterday.

Things have been fine - no complications (that we could tell, anyway) at all. About a week ago I started feeling like I was getting more energy and not feeling as sick. Many people encouraged me to not worry about the fading of my pregnancy symptoms - that I was just getting closer to the 2nd trimester. It's true - it happens for most women that way. They were right to encourage me. But apparently our little baby had died.

Without boring you with gross details, I became a little concerned yesterday, so I called my doctor. He said he wasn't worried, but that his schedule was a little open yesterday, so he had me come on in. He tried to find the heartbeat, but couldn't. Still not worried, he sent me for an ultrasound so we could get some peace of mind. We went for the ultrasound, and were devastated to see our little baby there - no movement, no heartbeat, nothing. Just laying there like a dead baby in a balloon or something. It was horrible. I will never get that picture out of my mind. We went back to the doctor, sobbed and made plans to have a DNC next week. Not looking forward to that surgery at all. I have only been put under once, and that was when my wisdom teeth were removed. Not only will I be out, but the procedure will be much more - ahem - INVASIVE this time. Ick...

I feel awful. Physically I feel fine, but emotionally I feel awful. If we had the means and wherewithal to pack up and move far, far away, I think we might. I want to run away from all the sideways, half-smile condolences we'll be getting over and over and over again now. The hugs and the "I know it's going to happen for you" and the "next time don't tell everyone so early" comments. I am barely handling my own grief - I can't stand to have to handle everyone else's too.

The first miscarriage was covered in peace - for a time anyway. This one just feels raw. Unfair. I feel foolish for letting my body trick me once again into believe that we might be getting to have children. I feel foolish for letting myself get excited, even though I am well aware of my history. I feel like we are becoming "those people" who never have kids and who spoil their nieces and nephews rotten. Not that "those people" are bad or anything - far from it. I know many of "those people" who are my favorite people on the planet. It's just not what I want!

I look at my husband and I marvel at the amazing man that he is. I know that he would be a fantastic father. I long to be able to give that gift to him, but so far I have been very incapable of doing so. It just hurts. It hurts beyond words.

So that's where we are. I'm not sure how this is going to go for us. I have a feeling this grieving period might be a doozy. I'm just so angry about it. I'm trying to stay distracted, but that will only put off the pain for so long, you know?

I'm sure my writing will fall by the wayside for a bit. Just when I was getting better about it...

Thanks for your love and your prayers and your sideways half-smiles. I know they mean you care for us. Forgive me if I just can't receive them well right now...

Day with my Doodle

2011-01-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

We went to my Mom and Dad's for family dinner night on Sunday, and ended up taking home a stowaway! Kamryn wanted to come to our house, and we were so glad to have her. It's always fun to have her with us. She's so fun!!! I thought I'd highlight a few of my favorite parts of the time we spent together:

1.) She fell asleep on the way to our house from Indy. Matt carried her in and laid her in bed with her coat on and everything. I was getting her pajamas on, and she woke up insisting that we go downstairs for popcorn. I told her it was probably too late and she was obviously tired, she shook her head, opened her eyes really wide and said, "No - see! I'm awake! My mom gives me popcorn every night, so I need to have some before bed!" I tried to talk her out of it and even just tried changing the subject, but she always came back to it. She gave me the sweetest look as we were talking about something, and she said, "Katie, I really think we need to have some popcorn now. We can talk downstairs!" Too cute! I took her downstairs, popped a little popcorn and watched about 30 minutes of The Little Mermaid.

2.) We woke up Monday morning, and made our way to the kitchen for some cereal. She was very excited that she and I were having the same cereal, and insisted that Matt have some too.

3.) I had some music on shuffle as we were eating breakfast and hanging out in the morning. Wicked's "Popular" came on, and she got SO EXCITED! We had to listen to the entire album while we put together a puzzle and got ready to leave for Lafayette.

4.) We continued to listen to Wicked in the car, and I wish I had taken video of her singing "Defying Gravity!" Her face was so expressive - closing her eyes, furrowing her brow, gesturing with her hands, etc. It was great!

5.) We drove to Lafayette to catch the noon showing of Tangled. We were all really excited to see it, and it was fantastic movie! Beautiful illustration, beautiful story, beautiful all together. She really enjoyed it, and so did we! She's only 4, so she hasn't quite grasped the concept of staying quiet in a movie theater. A few times during the movie she would talk really loudly about what was going on! Also, as the movie was beginning, I noticed she had snuggled up next to Matt and started holding his hand. It was adorable!

6.) On the way home from Lafayette, we mentioned that we were going home to play with Pork Chop and get her things gathered so she could go home. She started to pout and talk about how she didn't want to go home - that she wanted to stay with us longer. I loved hearing that! We would love to have her more! I told her that she needed to go home, but that she could come back to our house anytime her Mommy and Daddy allowed - that she was always welcome at our house. She tilted her head, gave me the sweetest smile, and said, "Awww, thank you so much Katie!"

I love spending time with my little KamDoodle! She was such a good girl, and we had a lot of fun together. She's growing up so fast! Soon I'm sure she won't really want to hang out with her old aunt and uncle much, so I'm really enjoying it now!

We spent some time at Tippecanoe Mall in Lafayette for lunch and light shopping.

10 Weeks

2011-01-17T22:01:00.001-05:00

Here we are at 10 weeks. I know I just posted the 9 weeks post on Saturday, but I was late on that one. Sorry! This one is a little more timely...

1. How am I feeling this week?
10 weeks has me feeling not as nauseous or tired, but a little more cranky. Okay, maybe I'm a lot more cranky. I can't tell if it's a hormonal thing or a "I'M REALLYd TIRED OF COLD, WHITE, WINTER! BRING ON SPRING BEFORE I SNAP!" thing. I feel like my belly is protruding a little bit, although not really much more than last week. I continue to treasure the time spent either wearing my yoga pants or not wearing pants at all...

2. What is new this week?
New this week is ACNE. :( I haven't had a horrible break-out yet, but I have a few zits that have popped up suddenly in the last couple days. I'm thinking I might have to try paying more attention to washing my face twice a day and moisturizing well and all that. If my Grandma Alice ever found out how poorly I care for my skin, she would surely have my hide. Please just keep it our little secret, mkay? Another new thing this week is that I bought a belly band! My friend Aimee strongly suggested one, and I figured I'd give it a try to help alleviate some of the issues I've been having with my pants. I haven't tried it for a full day yet, but will probably do so soon. It seems like it will work pretty well. I tried it on tonight, and I think it will be good. It's got to be better than investing tons of money in new pants.
3. What am I excited about this week?
I seem to really be getting excited about the fact that this pregnancy could work out. That we might actually be bringing a baby into our home in a matter of months! We decided over 5 years ago that we wanted to starting having children. For many years we couldn't even get pregnant. When we were finally able to get pregnant, we lost the pregnancies in miscarriage twice. So far this reproductive process has been nothing but disappointment for us. Here we are, pregnant for a third time, and we have had zero complications and have gotten to 10 weeks. Could it be that this might actually end well for us? It's hard to wrap my mind around it after so much heartache. It seems a little backwards, doesn't it? Most pregnant mommies can't imagine losing that little one growing in their bodies. I can't seem to imagine mine growing to full term. I have been having flashes of a daydreaming though - more lately than even a couple weeks ago - that we have a nursery in our home with well-loved toys and soft blankets and a cooing baby warming our arms. I'm hoping the farther along we get in this pregnancy that these fantasies seem more like a reality that we're destined for rather than a dream.
4. What am I nervous about this week?
Compared to most of the other anxieties I have been having lately, I know that this next one is rather silly. It has been bothering me all the same lately though. We have a dog named Pork Chop. He's a very loving dog, and fun to play with. BUT - Pork Chop LOVES stuffed animals. Most dog love tennis balls or chewies or whatever. He LOVES stuffed animals. He thinks they all belong to him. He has tried on numerous occasions to steal them from small children who happen to bring them in our home. This concerns me greatly. I know he will steal baby toys, and will probably destroy them. It's really bothering me lately!

Also, I spent some time yesterday at my dear friend Jaime's baby shower. I sat at a table with some girlfriends (and new friends!) chatting about babies and childbirth and all that. Oy frickin vey. The childbirth stories the mommies at that table shared were a little too realistic. *gulp* I'm not stupid when it comes to these things. My sister and I are very close, and she has had two children and shared many details with me. I have read books and talked with other moms too. BUT - I think some of my memory of those conversations must have disappeared when I got pregnant. I got a little freaked out yesterday talking with all those gals! Poor Jaime - she's going to face it a lot sooner than I am! I'm sure I'll get the dirt from her too... Oh my.

5. What am I craving or having aversions to this week?
Not really craving much or being turned off by much at the moment. I still experience some frequent extreme hunger, but I can't seem to figure out what I want! It's really frustrating, and it makes those cranky feelings mentioned in the first question really come out. Cravings would be welcome at this point. At least I would be able to figure out what it is that I want when it's time to eat!

There we are - 10 weeks and counting. I'm 25% of the way through. According to Baby Center, the baby is now a full-fledged FETUS, and his/her major parts are all in place and set to grow rapidly in the next few months. We're still praying for a healthy pregnancy, although at this point all signs seem to be good. We will be visiting the doctor a week from today, and he hopes to hear the baby's heartbeat in the office that day. I'm not sure what we'll do if he is unable to hear it. Hopefully he'll send us over to the hospital for an ultrasound right then, because I don't want to live with the anxiety if we can't hear that baby. That's my fervent prayer this week. Let's hear that strong heartbeat next week!

9 Weeks

2011-01-15T18:37:00.001-05:00

Technically, tomorrow I'm rolling over to 10 weeks, so I'm a little late posting this. Sorry! I haven't had much time at my computer this week (other than work - which is CRAZY right now). Here we go!

1. How am I feeling this week?
At 9 weeks, I am starting to feel the nausea and exhaustion subside just a little bit. Still fairly tired and unmotivated most of the time, but I have had spurts of productivity this week! Not sure that the state of my house reflects that very well, but I'm trying. I'm feeling fatter this week. I feel like my belly is starting to stick out a bit more, but I guess I could just be bloated or something. Wearing regular pants is really starting to be a chore. I DREAD having to button those things! Don't ask me to lift my shirt - I'm probably unbuttoned when you see me!

2. What is new this week?
New this week...Well - I am sleeping a bit better this week. I spend an ungodly amount of money on a Boppy total body pillow. It helps to have a pillow between my knees, and regular pillows just kept slipping off the bed in the middle of the night. I think it has helped, although I'm not sure Buster likes it too much. He's trying to find new ways to snuggle when we sleep, and so far he hasn't found a spot that he's happy with. Matt says he doesn't mind the monster pillow, but maybe he's just being nice!

3. What am I excited about this week?
Names! We've been talking names a lot. We've pretty much settled on a boys name, but we're still thinking about one for a girl. We can't seem to totally agree on that! I'm sure we'll let you know what names we choose at some point. Just not today! We had names picked out when we were pregnant in 2009, so it seemed obvious to just use those names. The sad thing is that I feel like those names were for that baby. When I say them now, I just don't feel like they fit anymore. I know that's weird. It's hard to name a baby that we're still not sure will ever be born, but I imagine that most parents start thinking of names early on. Am I right about that???

4. What am I nervous about this week?
I think I'll be anxious about a possible miscarriage for a long time. You just never know. Things are so promising right now because I'm feeling lots of symptoms of a healthy pregnancy (nausea, exhaustion, back pain, breast pain, weight gain, etc.), AND I haven't had any spotting or bleeding like I had in both of the other pregnancies. I just know that anything can happen though, and we really don't know what's going on in my body right now. We're trusting that our little baby is growing and thriving, but the "what-ifs" never really go away.

Also, I'm kind of nervous about how our life is going to change with a baby in the house. This is definitely something we want, but the changes are going to be scary all the same! We have been married 8.5 years, and have become comfortable in our "just us" life. Suddenly we'll have to go to a fairly regimented schedule as far as bedtimes, meals, cleaning, etc. goes. We seem to be exactly opposite of that right now! We go to bed whenever, get up whenever (unless we have work), eat when we feel hungry (could be 6:00, could be 9:00!), etc. I'm not the best housekeeper either, so thinking of how I'm going to have to improve myself that way is daunting too. We will do what is best for our new family, but it's going to be a huge shift around here.

One more thing I'm nervous about is my health. I'm really overweight, and have fears about the complications that may (probably will) bring to the table. In my head I know I need to be eating better and getting some exercise, but right now I can hardly stay awake through the work day! My nausea and cravings have me wanting to eat things like popcorn and sprite and I really don't have much interest in salads right now. I'm hoping this doesn't last long. I did get on the treadmill yesterday morning for just a little bit. I cut it short though because some serious hunger pains took over. Next time I'll remember to eat breakfast before I try to do that again!

5. What am I craving or having aversions to this week?
This is a question my friend Courtney suggested I add to my weekly posts, and I quickly agreed! From the beginning of the pregnancy until now I have been craving hot dogs and corn dogs. It's so weird, I know. I'm a foodie for crying out loud! These are horrible things to eat! I can't help it though. They are SO GOOD. I'm starting to crave cherry slushies (also, really not good for me). They feel so good on my upset tummy! Pizza is almost always a good idea for me, but that's true even when I'm not pregnant. And I just discovered something that's becoming a craving: Chip'ins by Popcorn, Indiana. They're popcorn chips, and they're AWESOME. Only three ingredients: popcorn, sunflower oil and sea salt. This makes me so happy! Plus, they are naturally low in fat (only 2.5 grams per serving). They seem to fulfill the cravings I've been having for salty things without making me feel like I've eaten anything really heavy. You can get them at Walgreens, Walmart and Whole Foods I hear, although I have only been to Walgreens for them. Go buy them. Make them the most popular item in the store, so more places will carry them!

Aversions? I have really NOT wanted salad lately. Something about the lettuce or whatever - I don't know. I just sound AWFUL right now. So weird too, because I usually LOVE salad. Also, steak hasn't sounded all that great, or any big cuts of meat for that matter. I like ground beef or shredded chicken, but to think about eating a whole steak or whole chicken breast just makes me a little blah. My appetite really seems to change by the minute though, so tomorrow I may be wanting steak for every meal!

So that's that. Me at 9 weeks. I'll be putting up a 10 week post in the next couple days. Thanks for praying for us!!!

Grandma Jordan: A Memory

2011-01-05T12:57:00.000-05:00

This is my Great Grandma Jordan...

Grandma was 99, and passed away a couple weeks ago on December 23rd. I don't know how you can expect a death and still be shocked by it, but somehow that's how it happened (for me anyway). Her advanced age obviously clued us in to the fact that her time on Earth wasn't going to last much longer, yet I think we all hoped that she would be a permanent fixture in our lives.

Her death came the same day we heard the heartbeat of our little Beanie Boo. I had such a rush of conflicting emotions that day! That, and the fast-approaching craziness of Christmas, probably pushed some of the grief to the back burner for a bit to allow me to survive the holidays. For some reason today I seem to be crushed with grief. I'm not sure what brought it on, but perhaps the Christmas fog has finally lifted and allowed me some space for the mourning.

I can't possibly tell you in one sitting just how special Grandma was to me - to all of us. It would be impossible. Somehow it seems that even if I tried I would never get the right words together anyway. Instead, I wanted to share a memory with you.

A few months before my wedding day, I drove over to Grandma's to have a little visit. We visited her often in her little house on Gilbert, and enjoyed talking and laughing with her in the decades-old furniture that filled her home. That night it was just me, and I just wanted to drop by to say hello for a bit.

As it tended to at this point in my life, conversation quickly turned to the subject of my wedding. We talked about flowers and food and whatever else people talk about when planning a wedding. It's been so long for me, I can hardly remember now! During our conversation, she got up from her chair, went into the kitchen and pulled a small box out from the cabinet above her stove. It was just a white cardboard box that had several brown age spots on it. She opened it up and began to share the contents with me.

Inside the box she had kept cards that she and Grandpa had received when they got married, as well as from when they had their only child - my Grandma Marilyn. The cards were tiny, brown and brittle from age. Most of them were no bigger than a standard Post It! Most weren't even cards at all - simply pieces of notepaper, cut down and folded with short, sincere well-wishes scrawled on them. Some had envelopes, most did not. She pointed out the ones who came from people who had money - they had some foiling and pictures on the cards. Most people couldn't afford a card with such detail. It was amazing to look at. This small pile of notes from people - most of them gone long ago - wishing Grandma and Grandpa all the best as they started their life together and welcomed a child to the world. Some cards were signed by her parents, by her siblings, and other people she treasured in her life.

Also in the box was a pair of the tiniest, shabbiest little plastic bride and groom I have ever seen. Grandma informed me that these were the tiny dolls that adorned the top of her wedding cake. They had definitely seen better days, but she had kept them all these years. I was immediately silenced by the awe I felt holding those little decorations.

She also had some old candles that had been used on countless birthday cakes throughout the years. Grandma and Grandpa lived through the Depression, so waste was never an option at their house. Instead of using a new candle each time, they reused the same over and over.

I don't remember exactly what was said that night, but I remember spending a couple hours with Grandma pouring over each item in that box. I remember sharing with her my anxieties and excitement about marrying Matt, and I remember her telling me that everything would be great. That I would make a good wife. That Matt was a good man. And that she couldn't believe I was old enough to get married - I'd grown up so fast.

We put the items back in the box, and when I thought she would be getting up to put the box away, she turned to me instead and told me to keep it. She wanted me to have these things. These little pieces of her life were being passed to me for safe keeping. I was honored then, and I'm even more honored now.

Suffice it to say that this unassuming box and the scraps of life within it have become one of my most treasured possessions. I went through the box again today, tears pouring from me as I remembered this night with my Grandma. There were so many amazing things about her. She never had much that most people would notice. She lived in a small, modest home for most of her life with the same furniture that was older than I could imagine. She was never adorned with jewels - always wore the same rings and a gold necklace with a small gold heart on it. She was much like that box - sturdy, showing signs of age, but within her lay a lifetime of love and blessings and memories.

I miss her so much today. I regret not getting to see her more in the last years of her life. I will always wish I had not let life get in the way of spending some more time with her recently. I know that I have been blessed in a unique way by getting to have my Great Grandmother into my 30s - that my father and his siblings had their Grandmother until they were close to 60! I praise God for the woman he gave us as a grandmother. She was an amazing example of who we all should strive to be.

8 Weeks

2011-01-03T13:56:00.005-05:00

Well, well, well...

I'm guessing that most of you know by now, but I'm pregnant again! I figured I should probably do some sort of pregnancy journal, and it seems like a blog I already have set up would be just the place to do it. It is my intention to blog about the pregnancy at least once a week, and each week I plan to answer some basic questions bout the pregnancy. Here we go!

1. How am I feeling this week?
At 8 weeks, I am definitely feeling pregnant. I have been exhausted lately, and definitely feeling nauseous quite a bit. I have yet to actually get sick, but I feel multiple times each day that I might just need to hurl! I have been sleeping with a big bowl next to my bed just in case. Around Christmas I was suffering from heartburn quite often, but I have tried to change my diet a bit to keep that from happening. It seems to be working so far. Today is my first day back at work, and I'm worried I won't be able to keep up with my commute and work schedule. I only work three days each week, but a 55 mile commute means I still spend a lot of time on the road.

2. What is new this week?
I think I may need to start looking for maternity clothes soon! I'm not really happy about this, but I guess it means little Beanie is getting bigger and making room for his stay. Thankfully I have stretchy jeans and stretchy trousers, so maybe I can put the maternity pants off for a while longer. I also will probably need to start looking at new bras. My girls are HURTING and definitely feel like they're starting to get bigger. (Oy vey...)

3. What am I excited about this week?
I seem to be getting excited about little things like bedding and decor for the nursery, and gear like strollers and playpens. I have plenty of time to figure out what we're going to need, but I can't stop looking at them online! I'm taking this as a sign that my psyche is getting more optimistic about what lies in this womb-o-mine.

4. What am I nervous about this week?
I'm still really anxious about the possibility of losing this pregnancy. To be honest, things look really great. Dr. A. said that the ultrasound and lab work couldn't look better. I haven't had any spotting whatsoever. Matt reminds me constantly that until we see signs that give cause for worry (spotting, cramping, etc.), then we shouldn't worry! Yes dear. I hear you - just make sure I keep taking deep, calming breaths.

Another thing I'm worried about is the delivery. I know - it's a long way off! But I worry that my arterial dissection that I had in May will prohibit me from having a vaginal delivery. I have always wanted a delivery with no pain medications too, but I have a feeling that may not happen. Whatever we need to do to get the baby here safely is obviously okay with me, but I'm just starting to wonder how the dissection is going to affect this moment in my life.

That's that - Is there a weekly question that seems I have obviously overlooked? I just came up with them on my own - no research or anything. If you can think of something that might be a nice weekly question, just leave it in the comments below. BabyCenter.com suggests we should start taking belly pictures (actually, they suggested it for last week). I'm probably going to do them, but just need to figure out where to do them and what to wear and all of that. The fact that I am already very overweight will most definitely affect the way I show and all of that. You may not be able to tell for quite a while still. I'm not sure...anyone have experience here on being an overweight pregnant lady?

Anyone have thoughts about the sex of the baby? We'll find out when it's time (another 12 weeks or so), but it's fun to speculate until then. Both of our younger nieces think Beanie Boo is a boy, and Matt and I tend to agree. Beanie's heart rate was 136 when we had our ultrasound a couple weeks ago, and people (whoever "people" are) say that boys will typically be 140 or below and girls will be 140 and above. Something I notice the other day is that my feet and legs have not swollen at all like they did with the other pregnancies. I can't help but remember that when my sister was pregnant with Kamryn, she was SO swollen, and with Harrison she didn't swell much at all. Hmmmm...just something to think about. My family typically does a GIRL - GIRL - BOY cycle, but technically this is our third pregnancy. I don't know - we'll be happy with anything. At this point though, I kinda hope it's a boy. We have settled on a fantastic name (IMO) for a boy, and are still bouncing around on one for a girl. Boy or girl though - I don't care. Just give me a healthy, full-term baby.

Hope you all have a great new year! Can't believe we're already in 2011...

My favorite shirt...

2010-11-21T10:12:00.002-05:00

I'm wearing my favorite shirt today. It's a red henley with the perfect length sleeves and lots of buttons. I remember buying it from Lane Bryant a couple years ago, and almost buying a different color. I'm so glad I kept the red! There's nothing special about this shirt. it's just comfortable, casual and looks good on. It's long enough to cover my waistband (in case my panties want to make an appearance) and fitted enough to make me feel a little put together. I can wear it with jeans and tennis shoes or I can dress it up a bit and wear it with slacks and mary janes. I definitely have prettier things in my wardrobe, but this one just feels right all the time.

There's really nothing like wearing your favorite shirt...am I right? :)

The bravest thing I've done in a long time...

2010-11-07T21:14:00.006-05:00

It took some coaxing by my husband and sister, but today I did something so brave - so daring! - that I wouldn't believe I actually did it except I have pictures...

Y'all...I wore LEGGINGS! in PUBLIC!

How do you all feel about leggings? I remember when they were huge back when I was in 5th grade. Ohmygoodness - girls in my class wore them ALL THE TIME! I never did though. I thought I was too fat to get away with it, so I steered clear. My friend Stephanie wore them though, and she looked awesome in them. I always was a little jealous that she made those things work.

I hadn't intended on hopping onto the legging bandwagon when they came around again recently. I'm fat guys - it's generally unadvisable to swath my tush in stretchy fabrics. But Matt and I were out shopping the other day, and I found this cutie-patootie sweater dress that immediately made me think, "This would look so cute with some black leggings!" What the WHAT? Who was that skinny girl talking about leggings in my brain? Surely it wasn't me. I don't wear leggings. I'm fat, remember? I took the dress to the fitting room anyway, and tried it on (along with a few other fabulous, although not as daring, items). I took pictures of myself wearing these items and texted them to my sister. "What do you think? Yes or no?" She texted back her complete support and excitement for these purchases, and I waltzed out of the mall swinging my bag happily.

I had a big day today, and needed to look nice. I decided that today might be the day to debut the leggings. I put everything on together, popped my feet in some fun red flats and made Matt take pictures of me to send to my sister. (I know - I just wasn't sure! I can't believe I kept pestering her. She's a mom with a 4 year old and a newborn nursing baby! Gah...she has so many better things to be doing!)

This morning I woke up, got ready and put those leggings on. I got a hundred (okay, maybe 5 or 6) compliments about my outfit, and I felt fabulous all day long! YAY! Let's forget for a moment that I looked cute, but those leggings are completely comfortable! Y'all, they were more comfortable than my yoga pants! I felt comfy and looked great. Bonus! Grand Slam! Touchdown! Awesome!

Please don't tell me if there's some sort of "fat girls don't wear leggings" rule that I broke today. If leggings are wrong for me, I don't want to be right!

That up there is my Goddaughter, Tiffany, and her mom, my good friend for like ever, Amanda and me (wearing the above mentioned outfit). Tiffany was baptized today, and it was the most amazing thing. Over 10 years ago, Amanda asked me to be Tiff's Godmother, and it has been one of the greatest honors of my life. Thank you Lord for an amazing young woman Tiffany is turning out to be!

Different day, same old stuff...

2010-11-03T10:07:00.002-04:00

Earlier this year, on St. Patrick's Day in fact, I peed on a stick, and saw the miracle of two little lines. We were pregnant again! After all the heartache we suffered in losing our baby Squooshy last summer, we were more than ecstatic, and a little nervous. What if we lost this one too? I kept shaking off the thought. Surely we wouldn't lose two in a row. Many pregnancies - 25% in fact - end in miscarriage, but the chances that a woman will have two in a row are pretty slim. My doctor said so! We were so encouraged by that thought. We told our friends and family, and set about being a pregnant couple. We soon began hearing about other friends who were pregnant, and due at the same time! How exciting to share this journey with other families we knew! This happened when we were pregnant the first time too. Two of my favorite friends we pregnant at the same time. Thankfully they didn't lose their babies like we did. JJ and Ben are healthy and vibrant little boys!

This second pregnancy didn't go so well. In fact, when there were problems just a few weeks after we found out, we had an ultrasound, and they couldn't even find the baby. They tried again on another day - still nothing. We were losing this time too. Somehow it felt different - less traumatic - because we had never seen the baby, heard the heartbeat, watched him wiggle around like we had before. The doctor suggested we just wait for my body to miscarry on it's own rather than schedule a DNC. That was fine with me. I didn't need more medical bills! The miscarriage started happening right when we landed in New Orleans on our vacation, and continued through the entire trip.

Now we're here in November - the due date of that second pregnancy is fast approaching. Although this second miscarriage wasn't as difficult as the first (emotionally - physically it was way worse), it's still hard for me to hear about all these friends welcoming children into their families. Sometimes I long for the days when thoughts of having children weren't residing in large sections of my heart. I wish I could welcome these friends' babies without thoughts of my own failures swirling in the back parts of my brain.

I truly am excited for them. I just wish I wasn't jealous too...

Worship with Bernie

2010-10-07T18:41:00.004-04:00

Bishop Coyner came to my office for the day Monday. We talked a lot of ministries going on in our district that are vital and those who are merely being "propped up" by our resources. So much of our time and money and energy and buildings are being wasted on programs and ministries that should really just be allowed to die. Look around the town where you live. Chances are you have at least one United Methodist Church within a few miles of your house. I want you to try to think of 3 good, vital ministries that church has that really reach people in the community. Can you think of any? Many churches in our denomination are so caught up in traditions, buildings, and other things that really don't matter. Just because we did ministry effectively "that way" 50 years ago doesn't mean it will be effective still.

When Bishop Mike talked about this problem in our church, I couldn't help but see this face in my mind:

You've seen Weekend at Bernie's, right? It's a hilarious movie. I must have watched it a thousand times when I was younger. I had an odd crush on Andrew McCarthy, and you have to admit the antics of trying to make a dead man look alive are pretty entertaining. They put sunglasses on him, take him to fun parties, take him water skiing, etc. You see quickly that it's a real chore dragging around a dead body trying to make him seem alive. The guys fake it for a while, and fool quite a few people. Eventually a few people catch on, the body gets rank, and the challenge of simulating life in death becomes too much to bear.

Do you have a "Bernie" ministry in your church? What can we do to bury all our Bernies and put our time and energy in to vital ministries???

The world through my eyes...

2010-10-07T11:42:00.002-04:00

Have I told you that my husband really, really spoils me? I'm not sure I deserve it, but I love him for it. He gave me the most amazing gift for my 30th birthday a month ago today. I got a Canon EOS Rebel XSi camera. Plus I got a tripod, filters, lenses, shovels, rakes and other implements of destruction along with it. It was wonderful and thoughtful, and I have enjoyed learning how to use it. This helps to fulfill item #12 on my 40 by 40 list!

So, for your viewing pleasure, here are some highlights of the pictures I have taken in the past month:

My first iMovie project!

2010-10-06T07:01:00.005-04:00

Matt and I just upgraded to an iMac this week, and I LOVE IT! I keep singing "A Whole New World" to myself over and over. Check out the video I did last night on iMovie! (This is my immediate family. Click the video to see full screen!)

Fresh Grief...

2010-10-05T10:55:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine e-mailed to ask how I had been doing lately considering all of the health issues I have experienced in the past year+. She is a close friend, and I found myself dumping all of this on her. I don't know why I feel like sharing this with you - some of you I know, most of you are strangers. I use this blog as a sad excuse for a journal though, so I'm letting you in on parts of this message. (I realize that I have yet to write about the issues at the chiropractor early this summer. The stroke is referenced below, and I promise I'll get around to writing it all out soon.)

"We were cleaning our office last night (making room for our new computer), and I found the positive pregnancy test from March. Maybe it's a little gross that we kept it, but I had never seen a positive one before! At the time, I couldn't bear to throw it away. We hid it in the office, and then ended up having a miscarriage. I hadn't seen it since until last night. My stomach just turned over and over as I looked at those two little pink lines. There was so much awesomeness tied into that stick months ago, and now it just makes me nauseous and sad. I quickly threw it in the trash, and maybe a little bit of hope went in the trash with it.

I think that's one of the worst parts of this whole miscarriage thing. I look back on these pregnancies, and I have such mixed emotions. The day I found out I was pregnant with Squooshy last summer was one of the best days of my entire life. Being able to tell my parents, my siblings, my grandma - everyone!, that I was pregnant was amazing. But even though I loved that day, thinking of it now makes me immediately fill with sadness. Miscarriage sucked all the joy out of those amazing moments, and left my heart full of sour memories. Add that to the fact that our desire for children remains unfulfilled, and this miscarriage stuff just plain sucks!

I was in Chicago with my sister last weekend, and we went to the Museum of Science and Industry. It's an awesome museum! If you've never been, you should. Anyway - I hadn't been since middle school, and I remembered an exhibit they had then. They still have it now, and it's a series of 30-40 fetuses, in age order from conception to birth. They are all real children who were miscarried or aborted or stillborn, so it's sad to look at all those little lives that never were. It's a neat exhibit though, and I forced myself to look at the one that was about 12 weeks along - where Squooshy was when we lost him. I had read online what he would have looked like, what had been forming on his little body, what he was doing, hearing, seeing, etc. But I could never quite picture in my mind the size of him. What he might actually look like. I had hoped that he would have been unrecognizable - like a blob or a mass of bone and skin and veins. Like a foreign object that my body couldn't be faulted for discarding. At the same time I had hoped he would look like a person. We thought of him as our baby - he was OUR BABY - a child, a human. If he looked like a person, then certainly he was worthy of the value we placed on him. Certainly the sadness in our hearts would have been validated.

I'll never know exactly what he looked like. Was Squooshy even a boy? We'll never know that either. I always think of him as a HIM. While I was pregnant, I had dreams of a 4-5 year old boy with blond curly hair and bright blue eyes. I'll never know if I was right. What I know now is that Squooshy was definitely a BABY. Very recognizable as a person with arms, legs, fingers, toes, a nose, ears, lips, etc. He had genitalia, so we would have known if HE was a SHE. He had started growing hair, and already had fingernails. He was small, but not too small to snuggle gently. He would have fit in one of my hands, but he would have almost filled it. Seeing that little baby, enshrined in a case for millions to see, made fresh grief wash over me. I don't know the actual baby in that case, but to me, at that moment, my little baby was right in front of my eyes. Separated for eternity by a pane of bulletproof glass.

Ugh...it was so hard to see, but I couldn't keep myself from the exhibit. I could have. It's set apart in a room that I could have easily avoided. I just couldn't though. I had to know. I had to see what was, and imagine again what could have been.

That experience has made the sadness a little more present lately. I must admit that I am disappointed to still be so sad about it. I had hoped that time would reduce my sorrow. Perhaps it just makes it less frequent.

All of this to say - I'M OKAY! I am so glad to be alive, even though life is hard to live some days. I already knew I had an awesome husband, but a fresher, stronger appreciation for him has really blossomed. Thankfully throughout all of this I have not had a crisis of faith. It has never once occurred to me that God might not be real or might not love me just as much as he always has. My God is the same as he was before we lost 2 babies and before my brain was irreparably damaged. He'll continue to be the same as we move forward with a brain injury and keep trying to create a family. He's the same God RIGHT NOW as we learn to be a family of 2 and as we learn to adjust to my new issues created by the stroke. I have been angry and sad and asked "WHY?" a gazillion times, but I have never felt abandoned or unloved. I guess that's something to hold on to, right?

A heavy heart is a difficult thing to live with, but we can thank God for the heart that's strong enough to handle the heaviness, right? I just keep telling myself that. I would rather feel this than feel nothing at all."

Reflecting on my first 30 years...

2010-09-06T22:56:00.003-04:00

When I wake up in the morning I will be 30. It's not old by any stretch of the imagination, but it does seem so much more mature than 29. My grandmother will tell you that life begins at 50, so perhaps I'm still just starting out. I think that's what perplexes me about this new age. 30 means I am an adult - a grown up. I am responsible for myself and my actions. I have a job. I have a home to care for. I have pets that depend on me. I have bills. Car payments. Insurance. Financial planning. It's all very adult-y. Yet to so many 30 is very young. In many ways I am still starting out.

In my previous post I listed 40 things I want to accomplish by the time I'm 40. I can't help but feel some disappointment at the things I haven't seen and done by now. It occurred to me this evening that perhaps I need to shift my perspective, and think about the things I have done up to this point. So, here you go...my 30 in 30:

I have:

Married my best friend
Had two jobs that I have loved
Learned about food and cooking
Visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
Visited the Baseball Hall of Fame
Learned to enjoy baseball...really!
Moisturized every day
Vacationed in New Orleans twice, and fell in love with the city on accident
Discovered Ikea
Dug my feet in the sand on the Gulf of Mexico
Painted my nails about 300 different colors
Driven to Gatlinburg 4 times to support our neice and nephew
Met new neices and a nephew (Kamryn, Clarissa and Harrison) and have fallen in love with them on purpose
Witnessed a birth live
Acquired three pets that I adore (most of the time)
Lived in 7 homes in 6 different cities
Learned how to cross-stitch
Owned 7 vehicles
Learned to scrapbook and make cards
Bought my own furniture (sounds silly, but buying our own brand new furniture was a real experience!)
Made life-long friends
Tended old friendships from far away - hopefully successfully
Learned that my sister is my best friend
Realized that my brother is one of my favorite people to talk to (it took moving out of my parents' house to discover both of these things!)
Made some of my mother's best dishes (Swiss Steak, Kale and Sausage, Pineapple Upside-Down Cake, Beef Stroganoff)
Learned to appreciate family history like my dad does
Received some beloved recipes from my great Grandma, and successfully made her Cherry Delight with my little sister (one of my favorite memories)
Grown closer to my Grandma Alice, and learned to love sitting and talking with her.
Trusted that God's plan was perfect
Witnessed first-hand that God's peace is there to comfort you right when you need it

Thank you Lord for a great 30 years. I have definitely experienced some trouble - some innocently, and some by my own doing - but I have yet to doubt that you are King of my heart and my life. However many years you see fit to give me, I will continue to love you for who you are, and thank you for the people you have let me share my life with.

40 by 40

2010-08-30T21:08:00.003-04:00

My 30th birthday is just over one week from right now. I haven't feared this milestone until just recently. I mean, 30 isn't THAT old. When I'm honest with myself, it's really not the number that affects me. Instead, it's the things I thought I would have accomplished by the time I reached this point that cause me to pause with mild disappointment.

I know that life is a continuous string of days and events, but for some reason this impending birthday seems to be a do-over point. Much like New Year's Day to the 10th degree. I can reset my clocks, wipe the slate clean, start my life anew. This is silly because of course I can do these things at any point. It just seems like now is the perfect time to do it. Maybe my poor health lately makes me feel like age is more than just a number. Maybe it's wisdom settling into my bones a bit more now that I'm (almost) not a witless 20-something. Maybe it's regret I feel over some things left undone in my 20's. In any case, I felt strongly to come up with a list of 40 things I want to have accomplished/seen/done by the time I'm 40. It occurs to me now that I left off a lot of altruistic items like, "see doctors cure cancer" or "world peace finally attained." I guess I assume everyone wants those things. These things are just for me. I must note that I fully retain the right to change this list on a whim any time I please.

Katie’s 40 by 40
(not in any order)

1. Visit Disney World
2. Go on a culinary tour of Italy
3. Go on a culinary tour of Paris
4. Take a cruise vacation
5. Pay off all my debt
6. Be at a healthy weight
7. Eat more whole, organic, locally-grown foods
8. Read 12 books per year OR 120 books by the time I’m 40
9. Be in the habit of working out at least 15 minutes daily
10. Find a hair cut that I love
11. Understand baseball
12. Get a great camera and learn how to use it well
13. Learn to play piano
14. Learn to play guitar
15. Learn Spanish
16. Read the bible from start to finish
17. Improve my complexion
18. Start a great ministry
19. See everyone in my family come to know and love Christ
20. Stop cursing
21. Be known for a dish that I make
22. See these artists perform live (again or for the first time): Neil Young, Van Morrison, Emmylou Harris, Metallica, Marc Broussard, (to be continued/added to)
23. Live in New York City – even if for just one year
24. Go to Las Vegas with my Grandma Alice at least one more time
25. Learn to bake like my mom
26. Learn to be rebellious like my dad (to a point!)
27. Become a mother (either by birth or adoption or surrogacy)
28. Find a beer that I enjoy drinking
29. Learn to bake bread
30. Create things that people love so much, they would pay money for them
31. Decorate my home well
32. Have a great garden
33. Finish at least one more cross-stitch project
34. Catalog family photos with my dad
35. Enjoy one last good conversation with Grandma Jordan.
36. Worry less
37. Rent a beach house with my family for an awesome vacation
38. See the ruins in Greece
39. Go on a genealogy tour of Holland, Germany and the British Isles
40. Be on The Price is Right

There. If I can do those things, I'll be at perfect peace and happiness, right? :)

Ten years is a long time to cross these things off my list. As I look at all of these items, I have to think of some things that will probably happen during the next decade:

Tayla and Damon will graduate high school, and may even marry and/or have kids
Kamryn and Clarissa will be in high school: dating, learning to drive, getting grounded and turning into women
Harrison will be here, and will be a tall, lanky 10 year old
Grandma Jordan will probably have passed away - one of the great saints of my life. (She's 99 now, if she's alive in 10 years, someone please call Willard Scott!)
My parents will continue to age - hopefully well.
My brother may marry a wonderful woman that fits right in to our crazy family
One or more of our pets will probably die.
We may move once, twice, 5 times! Who knows?
If I remain in my current job, I will have at least one change in bosses.

Some things will continue to be the same though:

Tragedy will continue to strike.
Happiness will continue to prevail.
Matt and I will continue to love each other strongly and deeply.
God will continue to be sovereign.

Life is an exciting journey, and after the craziness I've been through lately, I just have to say that I'm so glad to still be traveling this road.

FOOD with Katie

2010-08-05T11:39:00.007-04:00

Just a quick note to tell you that I am starting a new food blog! I'm not sure how long it will last or how interesting it will be, but for now I'm really into it! You can check it out here:

http://foodwithkatie.wordpress.com

Inner Beauty?

2010-08-05T11:38:00.002-04:00

"I don't believe that inner beauty is sufficient in this cruel world. That's the pap one tells a child. I don't believe that positive thinking improves your skin tone or that loving or being loved changes the shape of your nose or restores the thickness and color of hair, but I do know that there is a way of being beautiful, even as age takes its toll, that has something to do with the spirit filling with joy, something to do with the union with another human being, with the sense of having done well at something enormously important, like making happy a man who has made you happy often enough."
-Anne Roiphe

It's 9:00 - do you know where your JOY is?

2010-07-19T20:44:00.003-04:00

oh HAI! Remember me? Yeah, me either. It's been a little crazy around here the past couple months - heck, the past 12 months! Another day I'll fill you in, but today I need to speak about JOY.

Last week one of my veryverybest friends (seriously - one of those besties that you have once or twice in a LIFETIME) got to tell me that she was PREGNANT! I immediately started to cry, because it's AWESOME news, and well, let's face it - I'm over emotional ALL THE TIME. I mean, LOOK AT ALL THE CAPS EMOTING ON THIS PAGE! We've been super close since we met in 8th grade, and we've lived a lot of life together. It's amazing to share this JOY with her as she prepares for the birth of her first child!

We talked about how they found out, how they told their family members, how her folks reacted, etc. She mentioned that her older sister was upset. Sister says she's upset because she was the last of the siblings to find out (on a technicality - but someone has to be last, right?). What Sister is not telling Friend is that she's upset because of how easy it was for Friend to get pregnant. Sister shuts down and sulks when Friend's pregnancy is mentioned.

I get it a little - Sister has had some serious issues with her own fertility. After a LOT of work, she has one child and another on the way. Bringing these lives into the world has been a struggle for Sister. I UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL THAT IS! I totally get how much it hurts to want a child to add to your family and not be able to make it happen. How your ovulation is always on your mind, you schedule sex as if it were your job, and every time you turn around another friend is pregnant, holding babies, posting pictures of kids, etc. I really know the searing pain of knowing your period has come once again, signaling your continued failure in the baby-making department. I even know the pain (physical and emotional) of losing babies you were fortunate enough to make - just not fortunate enough to hold in this lifetime. I get it. It's HARD. It feels lonely and desperate. It HURTS.

BUT - with all of that said, I have to say that I can't imagine how much more it would hurt for me to miss the JOY around me. The world is PREGNANT with hope! My friends (and sister!) are PREGNANT with new life! I refuse to let my fertility issues rape me of the JOY that is to be experienced as my family is expanded through my sister, my cousins, my best friends. Every one of those babies has an amazing purpose, and I get to be a part of it! Isn't that exciting?

Someday Matt and I will have children of our own - either through childbirth or adoption. When that happens, I know all these other women will support me and share my JOY with me. Until then, I am not allowing my hurt to get the best of me. I will do everything to have JOY when there is new life to be born!

Can you be a Christian and gay???

2010-04-23T22:23:00.003-04:00

Matt and I just finished watching Jennifer Knapp on Larry King Live. The premise of the show was "Can you be Christian and gay?" Jennifer has recently revealed publicly that she has been in a serious relationship with a woman for the past 7 or 8 years - confirming rumors that have been swirling about for the better part of the last decade.

First, I want to say that I have LONG been a fan of Jennifer Knapp. I remember seeing her for the first time many years ago when she opened for DC Talk in Indianapolis. I had never heard her music before, but as soon as she came on stage, I was instantly taken. Her music is powerful, but her lyrics are even more so. That woman can really string some words together! Her sound is raw and soulful, and her songs have always seemed to speak to my life in a very real and authentic way. I always get the feeling that Jennifer is who she is - no apologies. Through her music she seems to be so honest in both her praise of her savior and her questions about her faith. It's a beautiful thing...

I am surprised to see her on Larry King Live. I know her public revelation about her sexuality has really become big news, but I guess I always feel as though "Christian" artists are quickly disregarded by the mainstream. I suppose it's a good thing that this topic is becoming more and more prevalent though.

I have never watched Larry King before, and let me say this: I WILL NEVER WATCH AGAIN. He is so bad about interrupting people! It was really frustrating to watch. Plus, how many breaks do we really need in one hour? I joked with Matt that he must be having prostate issues because of all the potty breaks he was taking. (That's so mean...but it's funny, right? Just kidding...prostate issues aren't funny.) Besides the interrupting and the breaks, he really seems to only hear what he wants to hear. He would totally twist people's words into something dramatic to try to cause conflict. I'm sure that stirring up drama is good for his ratings, but it's rude and dishonest. I felt like a skeez just watching that show (and I watch some crazy TV people!).

I became a Christian when I was 16 years old, and have been struggling with the issue of homosexuality ever since. Someone who I love very much is gay, so right away the question of whether homosexuality is a sin was addressed in my soul. I have to say that 14 years later, that question remains unanswered. Now, I have not spent scads of time debating and researching and praying about this or anything. It's just always something that's in the back of my mind, and it comes out to stretch its limbs once in a while. As I have continued in my life as a Christian, I have met and loved others who are gay or who question the sinfulness of homosexuality. I have had some really enlightening, inspired conversations with these people, but I still have yet to make up my mind about it. The question still remains for me: What does God think about homosexuality?

The question I want to raise tonight is this: Can you be a gay Christian?

I am a follower of Christ. In an attempt to be totally open and real with you, I will tell you that I sin in a myriad of ways. I could list them, but I won't. These sins are either being dealt with now or have been already. The victory has been won either way, and that is between me and God. What I will tell you is this: My sins - past, present or future - do not keep me from loving God or receiving his love, grace, mercy or salvation. I fully understand that sin separates us from God, but I also understand that Christ came to bridge that gap my sin created. By accepting Christ into my life, and by continuing to seek forgiveness and redemption every day, I now enjoy an awesome relationship with my creator.

I am a heterosexual woman, married to a man. Not once in my life as a Christian (or before for that matter) has it occurred to me that my sexuality has anything to do with whether or not I can give love to or receive love from God. I know that God has created marriage, and that he created sex within marriage to be a gift. Trust me - I appreciate that on a fairly regular basis! ;) I don't know that if I were a homosexual woman in a serious relationship with another woman that my relationship with God would be much different. I just don't see how my sexual orientation blocks out the love and salvation that God has for me. Obviously I am only speculating. Maybe things would be totally different. I will never know.

What I do know is that GOD LOVES US ALL. Gay or straight. White or black. Male or female. American or not. Let's not get all caught up on who is a sinner and who isn't, because WE ALL ARE! Instead, let's get caught up in loving one another and supporting each other in our walk. There's so much more that needs our attention folks. Satan is at work among us, and he's using crap like this to divide us even more. Kick him in the face and love the crap out of each other!

What do you think?

(P.S. Jennifer? You are FABULOUS! So glad you're back!)

Another miscarriage...

2010-04-05T23:33:00.002-04:00

It's been months since I posted last, so if you only know me through this blog then you don't know that I found out March 17th that I was pregnant. We found out today that the pregnancy is not viable, and I should be miscarrying any day now.

My hormone levels just weren't what they needed to be, so my doctor scheduled an ultrasound for this morning. I should be 8 weeks along, but there was nothing on the ultrasound. No sac. No baby. No nothing.

We're so sad, but hopeful for next time. I should begin bleeding in a few days as my body gets rid of whatever is there. Once I have a normal period, I will start Clomid again with some hormone therapy. The doctor is so optimistic, so that helps give us hope. Plus, he is a Christian man who prays for and with us and who shares his faith with his patients. I feel like I'm really cared for well.

Losing this pregnancy feels so different from our first miscarriage. Last summer we had multiple ultrasounds where we were able to see the baby moving and thriving - heart beating and everything. This time we didn't have that. We know that a baby didn't actually form this time, so although it's sad that this pregnancy isn't going to work out, we really don't feel as though a life has been lost - just the possibility of one.

Thanks for all your prayers...this is so hard for us to understand, but we know that God is looking after us.

"same old song when things go wrong..."

2010-01-18T08:47:00.003-05:00

I knew I hadn't blogged in a while, but I didn't realize it had been over two months. I know that no one reads this blog as a way to fill some sort of void in their life, so I really don't NEED to apologize for being gone for so long. I feel like I should apologize though. I can't explain it. I think I do that a lot - apologize. Anyway, whether I need to do it or not, I'm apologizing for being gone for so long.

Apologizing for not writing makes me a little sick. I usually love to write, and this blog was a place for me to do that. Whether I was writing about nail polish or losing our baby or music or whatever, blogging made me feel like I was connecting to that person that lives inside of myself - like she was finally getting to say all those things she was thinking. Knowing that she has not had that opportunity for quite some time makes me feel sad for her. And knowing that it's entirely possible that I won't blog again for a few more months makes that apology I just made up there seem trite.

It's the same old song when things go wrong (right Dad?), and when things go wrong with me, I suddenly drop the things I love. For MONTHS I have neglected writing, reading, cooking...all things I love intensely. It's as if I have simply lost the inspiration to do any of these activities. I have been working, cleaning house, watching TV and playing video games. That's about it. Looking back, I realize what a sad little existence I've been having lately, and I hate it.

Christmas was a blur. It was my worst Christmas ever, and I think it has everything to do with the fact that I knew deep inside that this should have been one of the best Christmases ever. I should have been very pregnant at Christmas, and instead my uterus reminded me day after day that it was empty. I thank God for my sister, who came to my rescue one Tuesday, and helped me get a jump start on cleaning my house for a church party we were hosting later that week. Her motivation to help me ignited the little bit of Christmas spirit that I had and it fueled me to get the house taken care of, presents wrapped, etc. I (hope) that Christmas came and went without my family realizing how miserable I was, but even if they didn't I guess the cat's out of the bag now. Oh well, it's over now. Maybe this Christmas will be better.

Some of my misery has a little to do with the increased hormones that are raging through my body. In December I started taking Clomid again, this time with Dexamethasone, a steroid that has been shown to increase fertility in some women when taken with Clomid. In December I took 50 mgs of Clomid. This month I am taking 100 mgs of Clomid, and next month (if I'm not pregnant) I will be taking 150 mgs. These meds, coupled with "coupling" obviously, should get me pregnant again. My new doctor is VERY optimistic, but I can't help feeling unsure. I am hopeful, but it seems like for a lot of my life, I am always waiting for that other shoe to drop. I can't help but think, "Okay, so we get pregnant. What if we lose THIS baby too?" The thought hurts me so much, I can't bear to think about it.

The pain that I have endured since August 11th is nothing short of monumental. Those first couple of days I kept getting comments from people about how strong I was, about how my faith was sustaining me, about how inspiring my attitude was. Looking back now, I think I was in shock over it all, and God's peace stepped in and allowed me to coast for a while. Since the reality of it all has sunk in, life just seems to suck a little. I close in on our due date, and I can't help but think about my friends who are due around the same time I was. I dread getting those calls from them to let me know their babies are here, safe and sound. I love them (and their babies) dearly, but will I be able to hold it together for them? Or will I break down in tears on the phone? I don't know...and I don't know how to prepare for it. I don't know how to prepare myself for February 26th either. Should we do something special, or just treat it like it's another day?

I can't help but get mad at God a little now and then about this whole mess. I mean, it took us almost 4 years to get pregnant to begin with. Shouldn't I have been able to keep the one baby we were actually able to conceive? Doesn't He see how unfair this is? Doesn't He know how much it hurts to lose a child? (Oh wait...yeah He does.) It just sucks. It sucks knowing that I can so easily turn my hurt and anger on God when I profess so much to have such great faith in Him.

5 months after our miscarriage, I am still hurting, and I can't help but wonder if the pain will ever go away. It must, right? I read blogs by women who have lost babies before, and their hurt seems to have been greatly diminished. I wonder, though, if that's because they have children to hold and raise after the fact. What if I never get that? What if I never have a child to call my own? Will this pain just sit in my chest throbbing for my whole life? I hope I never have to find out.

Having a baby just seems like the easiest thing in the world to do, and here I am, totally unable (so far) to accomplish this task. People who are totally unable and unfit to be parents do it all the time. Why can't I? Just doesn't seem right...but maybe that's a little self-righteous of me. I'm not perfect...just a little desperate I suppose.

So that's where I am. Yesterday at this time I was having a great weekend. We entertained (twice!) this weekend, the house was clean, I was cooking. It was great! Then last night as we laid down to go to sleep, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This grief just shows up out of nowhere, and smacks me down. And with one fell swoop, a great weekend ends with sobbing in bed, wrapped up in Matt's arms as he tries to console me. It's a big job, being married to me, and he's pretty great at it. I am so thankful for him.

I want to update you on things in my life though. Like my job, the new business my family and I are trying to get off the ground, etc. This just doesn't seem like the post for it though. I'll check back in soon...

It is what it is...

2009-11-07T16:20:00.002-05:00

Matt and I were going to spend the day running errands and having fun. Church bazaar, bank, license plates, shopping, movie, dinner...it was going to be wonderful. I seem to love days like that more and more lately. If I'm out and about I don't have to think about how I'm feeling and what's really happening in this broken heart of mine.

I look back over the past three months, and realize that my spending has gotten out of control; my house is out of control; I AM OUT OF CONTROL. I haven't been returning phone calls. I procrastinate more than usual. I don't keep up with my housework. I hardly ever cook. My mind is always looking for something to do whether it's paint my nails a new color, rearrange a room, read a book or play a video game. Everything in me seems to not want to sit still and just be.

Sometimes I find myself surprised at the memories of our pregnancy and miscarriage. I think that I have taken the easy way out, and convinced myself that they never happened at all. I think I have tried to just rewind my mind to the time when we were having trouble getting pregnant. At times I'd much rather be there than here - on the other side where grief is waiting to take over.

A good friend came to stay with us for a couple days this week. She is pregnant with a baby that is due to be born just over a week after Squooshy was due. I tried to mentally prepare myself for her visit. I knew it would be difficult to see her knowing that I would be right around where she is in her pregnancy. She is so easy to talk to about the little things, the big things, the hard things, the fun things...it was really great to be with her! We definitely didn't avoid talking about our babies. We talked a lot about both of our experiences, and were able to cry together and laugh together over all that these pregnancies have brought into our lives. We shopped for her little Nugget, and we found some great maternity clothes for her. I was so proud of myself for keeping my emotions in check, and was definitely sad to see her go yesterday.

Today I woke up to Mother Nature's more-than-clear (thankyouverymuch) sign that I am not pregnant. We left this morning to start our day-of-fun, and started with the license branch. After our short visit there, I told Matt that I needed to run back home to get some "supplies" for my present physical condition. He decided to balance the checkbook while I took care of my business. He quickly came to the conclusion that we should probably just stay home today. Our finances are tight. I've spend three months indulging in retail therapy, and it's quickly catching up with us. It had to happen sooner or later, right? Someday I was actually going to have to face my life instead of run from it.

We have plenty of things here to keep us entertained: video games, board games, books, DVD's, etc. We could even work on the house or take a walk (it's a beautiful day here). I don't want to do any of it. I keep saying that I'm bored, but I think the truth is that I'm feeling depressed today. I've spent a lot of time avoiding myself these past few months, and now I am running out of places to hide.

I'm not sure what to do now that I've admitted this to myself (and to the rest of you). I thought that writing this down would make me feel a little better, but it hasn't. Maybe all we can do is pray...

Almost Paradise...

2009-10-19T08:37:00.003-04:00

Today would have been my Grandpa Chet’s 85^th birthday. He’s been gone for 22 years now, yet sadness still seems to wash over me when I think about him. I was young when he passed, but I remember loving every minute I got to spend with him.

The song “Almost Paradise” from Footloose always reminds me of Grandpa. He once told my mom that it was the only “rock” song he ever liked! As I was listening to music during my long commute this morning, “Almost Paradise” came around on the iPod. I immediately remembered that today was Grandpa’s birthday, and wanted to spend some time remembering him...

I remember spending the night with Grandma Alice and Grandpa Chet. They had a huge bed! My parents only had a double bed, so it was a special treat to spend the night with Grandma and Grandpa and get to sleep in the “Super Bed!” I think it was a king bed…it felt like it took up the entire room! I remember what the house smelled like as we got up in the morning and started getting ready. It was the perfect combination of a fresh shower, toothpaste and brewing coffee. Their house was right near a Dunkin Donuts, and I remember Grandpa bringing home blueberry cake donuts for us.
I remember watching game shows like The Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune with my Grandparents. I seem to remember Grandpa especially liking Wheel of Fortune…I think he had a thing for Vanna White!
Grandma and Grandpa used to have these chairs at their dining room table that were brown leather, no armrests, and they SPUN! I would love sitting in those chairs, and having Grandpa spin me around and around and around!
I think Grandpa really loved sweets, because he was always spoiling us with cookies and candy! Those Keebler fudge covered cookies always remind me of him.
Grandpa was a car salesman – Oldsmobiles for as long as I could remember, although I’m sure he sold others earlier in his life. I remember visiting his dealership, and getting Chicklets out of the gum machine!
Grandpa ALWAYS had a camera! I remember him with his camcorder and Polaroid. We loved that Polaroid – we couldn’t wait to shake those pictures! He must have loved his family so much to want to capture us all on film all the time.
I remember going shopping with him one day. I think we were at the mall, because I remember the store we were in as a department store. I found a sweater that I really liked, and he bought it for me. I was in 1^st grade when he died, and I kept that sweater until I was at least in 5^th grade. I couldn’t bear to get rid of it. He was such a generous man.
I remember the day that he died. I was home with Dad, and Kelly and Robert (who were 4 and 1) were playing in Robert's playpen. I answered the phone when it rang, and sensed immediately that something was wrong. Mom was on the other end of the line asking for Dad. I remember refusing to let her talk to him until she told me what was wrong. I cried and cried when she finally told me, and I remember feeling upset with Kelly because she didn't seem to notice that I was crying.

We all miss Grandpa. We talk about him often at family gatherings. There is a portrait of him in my Grandma’s house that looks over us all as we celebrate Christmas and birthdays. He has been gone for a long time, and I am sad that so many of my younger cousins never got to be with him. It occurs to me now, though, that Grandpa still lives on with us…through us. My mother has his jubilant spirit and dedicated work ethic. My aunts Gwen and Gayle have his generosity. My uncle Dan has his quick, infectious smile, and my aunts Janice and Janine have his fun-loving attitude. Grandpa may be gone, but he is definitely not forgotten.

Some of my family members read this blog. If you’re here today, please take a minute to share some of your favorite Chet memories! Let’s remember him today…

UPDATED TO INCLUDE FACEBOOK COMMENTS FROM MY FAMILY:

- Gayle Richards Disbro
  Katie, that was such a beautiful tribute to dad. You got me tearing up again. YOU are such a beautiful person and he would be sooo proud of you. Yes, I miss him and talk with him every day in my prayers. I believe he is still here with us all.
  I see a lot of him in all of us. I liked how you distributed his special traits in all of us. He had so many.
  SPECIAL TIMES WITH DAD -- Sandy Beach, Easter Sundays, Christmas, Birthdays, New Year's Eve, Lunch at L. S. Ayres, Lunch at Allison Gas Turbine, Lunch at Rolls Royce, Lunch at Dick Hunt Chevrolet & Accapoco Joe's, Boydens Bakery, Richards Reunions, Teaching me to water ski, Drive-in Movies, Going to State Fair in a Pink Surrey with a Fringe on Top, AND MOSTLY, EVERYDAY LIFE WITH HIM!!
  Much Love Dad!
  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
  Gayle
  October 19, 2009 at 10:31am ·
- Gwen Richards White
  Katie, that was such a wonderful tribute to Dad....but it is hard for me to write with tears in my eyes as I think about him today on his 85th birthday! There is so much that I remember about him & I could write on forever. He truly loved his family & adored our beautiful mother! I just wish my grandchildren would have had the opportunity to spend time with him. Some of the things I remember most were his love of boating & the water; how he always brought home sweets & shared them with us; teaching me how to drive but not until I was 18; standing at the door when I came home late from a date; sitting at the table in the late evenings eating crackers in milk after a long day at the dealership; our vacations, especially to Gray Goose Lodge with the Ringenbergers; but mostly our Christmases.....he always made them so special & fun! "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD" I love you & miss you so much!
  October 19, 2009 at 2:09pm ·
- Janine Richards Lilly Thank you for this Katie. So many memories of my awesome dad. Everyone LOVED him and he taught us all the importance of family. He could get anyone to do anything, a real sales guy. But my most special moment was our father-daughter dance at my wedding. I wouldn't trade that memory for anything in the world. It WAS paradise.
  October 19, 2009 at 2:40pm ·
- Gloria Richards Kermeen That's my girl, Katie. Way to start blogging again. My special memory? Telephone calls. I can still hear his voice, saying, "Gloria!" with such excitement that I was on the other end. My other special memory is the day Robert was born. In those days no one but the father could be anywhere nearby, but my Dad hung around and sweet-talked his way into the recovery room. No one could say no to Chet Richards - they were putty in his hands.
  October 19, 2009 at 4:44pm ·
- Alli Richards Makes me sad, wish i could have met him! :( happy birthday grandpa!
  October 19, 2009 at 6:32pm ·
- Sara Lilly I WISH I COULD HAVE MET GRANDPA CHET. I HAVE HEARD SO MANY AMAZING STORIES :( I LOVE HIM ANYWAYS :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA!!!
  October 19, 2009 at 6:54pm ·
- Nicole Richards
  So, I remember many of those things... the brown leather, spinning chairs! The polaroid camera. The HUGE bed that took up the whole room. I remember cookies in a red and yellow package. And unfortunately, the day mom and dad came to pick me up from school the day that he died :(
  Sure do miss him, but was so lucky to know him.
  October 19, 2009 at 8:26pm ·
- Samantha Lilly awhhl.
  October 21, 2009 at 4:11pm ·
- Katie Kermeen Swisher
  Here's an e-mail Mom got from Cousin Barb:
  
  Dear Wonderful Cousin Gloria
  
  Thank you so much for sharing Katie's and the other remembrances of Uncle Chet. I, too, have wonderful memories of your father and would like to share just a few with you.
  
  I remember when we were getting ready to move to Florida and we bought a 1956 Buick from him when he worked at Monarch Buick. It was really funny when we were all in the car getting ready to take a test drive. As we started out the door, there was a raggedy older woman standing there with a wagon full of newspapers. All of a sudden, my Dad yell, "Duck" because he did not want us to be recognized by that woman selling papers. Uncle Chet said, "I don't know who that woman is, she hangs around here all the time. Well, long story short--that was "Cousin Lulie" a distant cousin on my Dad's side of the family. We never let Uncle Chet know that she was a relative. Anyway, we moved to Florida in that car in 1957. When I graduated from college and began teaching, my Dad gave me the Buick to use as a trade in on a red mustang--my very first car.
  
  I remember when your Dad conned us into taking a "hike" down Sugar Mountain in North Carolina. It really was a lot of fun and a LOT of exercise. I was smart enough, however, to bring some change in my pocket and when we got to the bottom of the mountain, I went into the Lodge and called Bud to come pick us up.
  :-)
  
  One time when you parents were here, I lent my Olds to you Dad. The front seat was broken (won't tell you how it got broken). Do you know that he took my car to King Olds and had that seat repaired for me.
  
  I remember when he came to Tallahassee when I received my doctorate. He brought you Mom and Grandma, and Katie, who was toddler. We had a great time and I remember him laughing so hard when I provided some entertainment at a get together at my place. I was doing a one-man band playing a harmonica, and a washboard. I had Mom join in with a Bombay Taxi Horn. We were doing, "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain." Well, Mom could not get her part right--failing to "Honk" at the right times. I thought that we were going to have to carry Uncle Chet out. He always enjoyed the setting that he was in.
  
  I get to have a few more memories---just because I am 67!!! Watching you Dad go through the Candy Barrel in Valle Crucis, North Carolina was a thing to behold. He got some--no---lots of every kind of candy they had. He came away with grocery bags full of candy. After that, all the years we vacationed in NC, including on our way home from our last trip to Indy, we always recalled your Dad roaming freely through the Candy Barrel and hitting every fudge shop within a 20 mile radius of Sugar Mountain.
  
  Gloria, I have nothing but wonderful memories of Uncle Chet. He was truly fun to be with and he always made sure that everyone had a good time. He is truly missed but he will always live in our hearts through the beautiful memories that he left with us. The very best that he left, however, are my beautiful cousins, Gwen, Gayle, Gloria, Janice, and Janine. He lives through you all. Happy Birthday, Uncle Chet.
  
  Love To All
  Cousin Barb
  October 22, 2009 at 5:03pm ·
- Gloria Richards Kermeen She mentioned later that she forgot Danny when she listed her cousins.

My apologies...

2009-10-19T06:42:00.000-04:00

I have been gone for quite some time. I apologize for keeping you all waiting. I'm actually fairly certain there aren't many of you left to read what I'm writing now! It's been a rough few months for us. If you haven't heard, you can read all about it here. I am going to try to get this blog going again now. Seems like when things fall apart, my writing is the last piece to be picked up. Hope you all stick around!

Leaving on a jet plane...

2009-07-18T20:18:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow morning I will be leaving for Atlanta for a week-long class at Candler Seminary. I'm a member of PAUMCS - the Professional Association of United Methodist Church Secretaries - and this class is a certification institute. I'm not entirely sure what we will be learning, but MONTHS ago (when I signed up) I was sure I wanted to do it. Granted, I didn't know then that I would be a pregnant, tired, nauseous mess now, but I still want to participate in the class.

I hate to fly. I know the statistics say that I'm safer in the air than I am on the ground, but I still don't like to fly. Gravity and I have an understanding. I am a large woman, and as such, gravity makes sure that I am as close to the ground as possible at all times. Defying this arrangement seems unnatural, thus filling any time I spend on a plane with anxiety. Also - I had a really rough flight on the way to New Orleans earlier this year - one in which I was SURE the plane was going down, and I spent the better part of the flight clinging to my sister in fright and praying incoherently out loud - so flying REALLY doesn't sit well with me right now. Then take into account the fact that I am pregnant, and this has somehow created an anxious beast inside what was already an anxious beast, and well...you get the picture. Tomorrow will be hell.

I hate being away from Matt - especially now that I am having this baby. I will miss him terribly, and will count down the days until Saturday when he pics me up at the airport in Indy. I'm nervous about having to be alert all day every day for 6 days straight. I've been so tired and sick lately, that I've been spending a lot of time in bed. This week will definitely be hard! I'm just hoping to get some good shopping in, learn a lot in class, and make some good friends with my other classmates.

Okay - I have to pack now. We'll see if I get time to blog in ATL. :)

The Swisher Factory...

2009-07-12T00:08:00.000-04:00

The Swisher Factory is open for business!

http://swisherfactory.blogspot.com/

Tonight in Hillsboro...

2009-06-30T23:45:00.003-04:00

Tonight in a tiny town called Hillsboro...

-As I complained about swollen ankles and an empty stomach, she succumbed to the cancer that ravaged her young body.

-As I mindlessly thought ahead to tomorrow night's plans with my mother, sister and grandmother, her children and siblings were struggling to imagine what life would be like tomorrow without her.

-As I watched the clock in anticipation of going home to snuggle in bed with my husband, her husband was kissing the love of his life goodbye.

I'm so sad tonight at the death of one of our church members. Certainly to us it seems as though her life was much too short. Our feeble minds try unsuccessfully to understand the purpose and meaning behind such a cruel death. I am trying to remember that death is really just another part of life. I am not naive enough to think that any one of us is lucky enough, rich enough or strong enough to cheat death, so why is it still so hard to lose the people we love? Perhaps it reminds us of all that we have yet to do and say. It reminds us of wrongs that we have yet to right - or rights we want to right again.

Being in ministry during times like these always seems hard. I watch as Matt walks along side these friends of ours, and see how much it affects him. He may not have the overflow of emotions like I do, but the pain he experiences with these families is plain to see.

We must have faith, though, that God is true to His word; that He works in all things for GOOD. It's not good that this friend is gone, but we KNOW that God will work in this situation for GOOD. He always does - and we know that He will continue to do so. I am thankful tonight that this woman knows the lord, and that tonight she is with him in paradise. For Christians, death is always a sad thing, but we rejoice in the fact that this is NOT THE END. There is something more - something better - waiting for us.

I am mourning for this family tonight friends. My heart breaks for them....

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
-Casting Crowns

Cream Cheese Stuffed French Toast with Powdered Sugar and Strawberries

2009-06-13T15:10:00.003-04:00

Apparently this is a big hit, so I'm putting down the recipe for you all to have and enjoy. Just be forewarned: I don't usually cook from a recipe, so these measurements are approximate. Feel free to put your own spin on it! The name is really misleading, because I technically didn't stuff anything. It's more like a French Toast Sandwich, but whatever...

Here's what you'll need:
8 slices Texas Toast (or another thickly sliced bread)
4 large eggs
2-3 tablespoons of milk (although, I was out of milk, so I used coffee creamer!)
1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 brick cream cheese - room temperature (you can put it in the microwave on defrost for a few minutes to soften it up if you don't want to wait)
1 cup sugar
1 tablespoon powdered sugar
1-2 cups cut strawberries - depending on your taste

Crack the eggs into a bowl that is big enough to dip your bread into. Beat the eggs with a wire whisk, add milk and cinnamon, and beat some more. Dip your bread into the egg mixture, making sure to coat both sides of the bread. Lay the bread on a griddle that has been heated over medium-high heat (make sure you spray your pan with cooking spray!). Keep an eye on your bread, and flip the slices as they become golden brown. Burnt toast isn't as good (and it makes your smoke alarm pretty upset too).

In another bowl (or your stand mixer if you have one) mix the cream cheese and sugar together until the mixture comes to a nice, smooth consistency. I love my stand mixer for this, but if you don't have one, just be patient - it will come together before you know it.

Once your toast is done, take two slices and spread the cream cheese mixture between them - like you're making a peanut butter sandwich. I like a lot of the cream cheese on mine, so I used probably around 2 tablespoons for each sandwich. You use what you like. Sprinkle the powdered sugar over the french toast, and top with strawberries.

This would be really good with blueberries, raspberries or cherries too! You don't really need syrup on this, but if you want to add that, it's up to you. Ooooh...it might be yummy to try adding cocoa into the cream cheese mixture, making a chocolate cream cheese french toast....I'll have to try that one next time!

TUESDAY TUNES - "You Are the Woman"

2009-05-19T06:11:00.001-04:00

I know - I missed last Tuesday. I'm sorry. Last week was CRAZY! Here's what our week looked like: Gatlinburg, Lexington/Wilmore, Indianapolis, Veedersburg, Noblesville, Veedersburg, back to Noblesville, back home to Veedersburg. WHEW! Throw in my trip to the emergency room in Noblesville Wednesday night, and you've got yourself a BUSY WEEK! I'm sure this sounds like a bunch of excuses, but get over it. It's my blog, and if I want to miss a week, I can do that. :)

Today's song is really special to me for a lot of reasons. This is a song that I remember hearing a lot when I was growing up. My mom would sing this song to me when I was little, and I remember hearing this album playing often at our house.

A couple years ago I took part in a spritual direction retreat led by my friend Peg in Wilmore. I signed up for the retreat without knowing a lot about it. I showed up not knowing a soul. I was the only woman there who wasn't a student at the seminary, and I felt COMPLETELY out of place.

I'm not sure I can put into words exactly what this retreat was like. I imagine it was different for all of us. At some point during the weekend, we each got a chance to "work" through issues that God wanted to deal with, and we were guided by Peg (and the Holy Spirit of course) through this process in a loving way. It was totally amazing. I know it sounds wild and a little crazy, but just trust me on this one.

I was the last girl to "work" that weekend. I remember sitting through the whole retreat, and wondering what it was that God wanted to work through with me. My marriage? My family? My discipline (or lack therof)? I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something inside of me was stirring - I knew God had an issue He needed to bring to my attention.

I sat down in that circle of women - nervous as anything - and I tried to steer the conversation towards the issue I finally decided I wanted to work on. We talked for some time, and sensing that this was the wrong topic, Peg asked me to close my eyes, and ask Jesus what He wanted to work through. I closed my eyes, and the memory of a familiar photograph flashed in my mind. It was a photograph I had looked at thousands of times before, but I hadn't seen it in years. It was my high school boyfriend's sophomore yearbook picture.

I remember squinting my eyes and shaking my head - almost as if I was trying to push the memory away. Peg (she's just so intuitive) asked what I saw, and when I told her, she knew that we had to found our issue.

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here about what happened. He's not a caveman - he knows how to use the internet and he may someday find this little blog of mine. We have a lot of mutual friends still, and I don't want to dredge up old drama. I won't even give his first name, because honestly, you don't really care.

We dated for a little more than 18 months. We fell in love (as much as 15 year olds can), spent all our time together, had lots of fun, and made a LOT of mistakes. He ended the relationship, and I really did not take it well (understatement of the millenium). He ended up dating a really good friend of mine not too long after that, so that threw our group of friends into a tailspin of drama; sides were chosen, people felt victimized, and we all felt like our little world was crashing down on us (or maybe it was just me). We continued a physical relationship - even though we both were dating other people - and I continued to believe in my teenaged brain that we would be together in the end. Young love is so brutal, isn't it? Oy - if only I knew then what I know now. Hindsight is 20/20 though, and I definitely see how God worked in my life to bring me through that muck and mire to the point I am today. I wasn't a Christian at the time, and I only knew Matt as a friend, but God used this situation to bring Matt and I together as best friends, and used Matt to steer me towards the Lord. I am so thankful that God works in every situation for good.

Anyway - back to the retreat. We worked on lingering issues I had from this tumultuous relationship. Issues that seriously affected my sexuality, my self-esteem, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God. It was an amazing time for me - so healing and wonderful!

After we had finished, we were praying together as a group. As these women came around me to pray over me, God brought this song to my mind. I remember hearing the lyrics, "You are the woman that I've always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face, and that's the last I've seen of my heart." It was almost as if God were singing it to me!

I remember thinking that no one would ever love me as much as that boyfriend once had. Then - years later - I discovered that Matt loved me more. That day, as I heard this song playing in my head, I knew that God loved me even more than Matt could ever dream. He really is the lover of my soul, and although He began wooing me years ago, that day was the day I realized that THIS was the romance of my life. This is like, OUR song...God's and mine. I really think that when I get to heaven, Jesus will be there waiting to dance with me to this one!

With that being said, enjoy "You Are the Woman" by Firefall. This is from their first album, and if you don't own it, you should! This isn't the only good song on the album.

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's not so much the things you say to me
It's not the things you do
It's how I feel each time you're close to me
That keeps me close to you, woh oh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's not so much your pretty face I see
It's not the clothes you wear
It's more that special way you look at me
That always keeps me there, woh oh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart

It's hard to tell you all the love I'm feelin'
That's just not my style
You got a way of send my senses reelin'
Every time you smile, woh

You are the woman that I've always dreamed of
I knew it from the start
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart
(I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart)
Of my heart, oh, of my heart

What are YOU looking for???

2009-05-17T23:01:00.003-04:00

I read a magazine article tonight listing 10 Things Every Traveler Should Do. At the end of the article, the author posed a question that I found interesting:

"What else are we looking for in travel (and in love and in life) but a tasty mix of the strange and the familiar?"
From "10 Things Every Traveler Should Do" by Pico Iyer in Real Simple magazine, June 2009

Your thoughts??? Comment below...

An open letter to the jerk who stole our solar sidewalk light...

2009-05-11T23:59:00.001-04:00

Dear jerk who stole our solar sidewalk light,

YOU SUCK.

Sincerely,
Katie

TUESDAY TUNES - Discover your own!

2009-05-05T15:28:00.003-04:00

I have been away at a conference for work, and will be leaving tomorrow for vacation with Matt's family. I have hardly had time to listen to myself think lately, let alone listen to music! I hate that I don't have a Tune for you today, but I want you to go out and discover your own Tuesday Tune today!

Have you heard of Pandora? It's a great website - especially if you like to discover new artists. It's so easy: go to Pandora.com, enter the name of an artist you enjoy, and a station will be created just for you according to your tastes! You can tell Pandora if you like a song (thumbs-up) or not (thumbs-down), and Pandora will continue to hone the station for you. I love it! Because of Pandora, I have discovered the Wailin Jennys, Sugarland, Mick McAuley, and lots of others.

Go there. Enjoy some Tunes this fine Tuesday. Hopefully I'll be back with a fabulous road trip song for you. I'll be looking for inspiration as we drive to Gatlinburg and back this week!

Caution Tape

2009-05-02T22:14:00.003-04:00

Friends,

I am so excited to be able to share these following words with you. Ted Lyddon Hatten is the Conference Artist for the Iowa Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church. We were blessed to have him speak at our PAUMCS conference this week in Des Moines. I was so moved by these words, that I e-mailed Ted, and asked if he would mind sending me the statement. He was very gracious to share this with me. The first part explains a little about the art he created, and the rest is a beautiful, haunting statement for you to read and meditate on. Enjoy...

The artwork for the PAUMC gathering was created to be part of a larger installation for the 2005 Iowa Annual Conference Session. Our theme that year was Stewards of Creation. In addition to these three images, I incorporated sod and caution tape in various locations throughout venue. The following words served as my artist statement. tlh

They call it caution tape and it is intended to be noticed. Yellow with black letters – Police use it to cordon off a crime scene. Construction workers use it to mark off an area in need of repair. You are supposed to see it, to take note, take caution.

If your eyes are open you will see the caution tape around here and what it surrounds. It is sod; grass. There are seven circles of sod – four in the building and three elsewhere. It is up to you to decide if the sod enclosed by the caution tape is a crime scene or an area in need of repair. If it is a crime scene you’ll want to be careful not to touch it – you wouldn’t want to leave fingerprints. It’s the oil that does you in. The oil. That’s why fingerprints can be left on a wet glass. It’s the oil. And you need a solvent to dissolve oil. Petroleum distilled and refined works well. Wipe down what you touch and not even of trace of you will remain. It is also handy as a fuel for the combustion engine in your car, your SUV, and your RV. With gasoline we can go wherever we want in speed and comfort.

“Sovereign God, when we look upon the heavens, at all of creation, and we see the work of your fingers.”

“Stewards of Creation” is our theme for this year’s Annual Conference.

Adam and Eve were the first stewards of creation and they have taught us well. They did not ask to be made but made they were. Made in God’s image which means they were hungry. They found themselves in a garden that had everything they needed – including limits. Abundance beyond the need to measure. And they were told by their Creator to “till and to keep that garden.” Translated another way – they were told to serve the land – to be servants of the land.

I believe the future of this planet hinges on the order of those words.

And they were also told that if they honor their appetites – honor, elevate, obey their appetites they will have open eyes to see the death they have brought.

But the fruit forbidden was ripe – a delight to their eyes and they were surprised that it hung so low – so easy to reach. And with their emerging vision – just before they sank their teeth in the fruit they saw God’s fingerprints.

Hanging over the chancel for these 3 days is a triangular prism that depicts the four elements around which each of our major worship services is built. Fire, air, water, earth. The Fire is the light that shines within just as the light burns, shines within everything that lives.

Air is the side dominated by a Great Blue Heron. Her eyes are locked in on one of two things; Either danger to her offspring or food. It is possible, I suppose, that she is sizing up the fish in the adjacent panel though they nearly out-weigh her. But I think the former is more likely the truth. She has spotted danger.

In the Water swim three fish. They are either trying in vain to blend in with their surroundings or they too bear the fingerprints of a Creator apparently obsessed with color.

The water looks like the air in the other panels and the plowed ground resembles the ocean floor and the marsh and this is quite intentional. The ecosystems that enable life here are infinitely complex and intimately connected one to another. The chemicals we apply to the land end up in our water. The waste we belch into the air falls down onto the land.

The land, of course is our home and our destination. We know it well – it feeds us, shelters us, holds our roots in place and gives us life. The apple in the center of the Land panel has a pattern that, with your emerging vision, you will find in the Air and Water panels as well.

But it is tempting. Tempting to reverse the order of the words spoken to Adam and Eve by God. To act as if the land is here to serve us. Tempting to honor our appetites. Tempting to continue to repeat the sin that stopped being original a long time ago.

As the juice ran down the chin and neck of Eve and Adam – so too does the crude oil run down our chin and our neck. Our combustion engines take us from place to place with speed and comfort but petroleum, refined and distilled, is also an effective solvent. And with it, we are erasing fingerprints of the Divine.

We are stewards of creation. Each of us is called in many ways – a blend of vocations unique to us – as original as the patterns on the pads of our fingers. But to be a steward of creation – that is a calling that falls equally on us all. No one is ordained or consecrated or set apart for the roll of Steward of Creation. We are all called to this ministry.

But if we are unable or unwilling to answer that call faithfully then the sod and the earth it comes from is indeed a crime scene.

The Heron has spotted the danger to her offspring and her eyes are locked in on us.

Should we find a way to answer that call and become faithful servants of creation -

should we find a way to honor God rather than our appetite

then our already opened eyes will see Divine fingerprints

and Divine presence everywhere we look.

And we will hear the echo of God’s voice;

“It is good.”

Amen.

Ted Lyddon Hatten

Conference Artist

Iowa Annual Conference

2005

Suburbanites...

2009-05-02T15:54:00.002-04:00

Here is the script from a skit we saw this week at PAUMCS. It's a conversation between God and St. Francis of Assisi about suburbanites... enjoy!

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the World is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back On the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the gro wth and saves Them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a Sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the Winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy Something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.............

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

God is a Greenie!

2009-05-02T15:39:00.003-04:00

Sorry I missed Tuesday Tunes this week. I am in Des Moines for a conference, and was flying all day Tuesday. I would have set up a blog to post ahead of time, but the truth is, I've been so busy that I haven't had time to enjoy music lately!!! Ugh...I hate all this go, go, GO and being away from home.

I'm homesick, Matt-sick, kitty-sick, and bored in Iowa. I think I'm going to head out shopping or something here in a bit while we have some free time. For now though, I wanted to put up a quick post about what we're doing at this conference this week.

I am a member of the Professional Association of United Methodist Church Secretaries (PAUMCS), and we're in Des Moines for our annual conference. The theme of our conference this year is "Sowing Seeds of Promise," and we're really trying to focus on "Going Green."

I know that all this "Green" talk is getting a little annoying to some people. It seems like it's the cause-du-jour the past few years. Global warming, greenhouse gases, carbon footprints...ACK! I don't even know where to begin! This week we have had some great experts come in to teach us about what is going on in our environment, what we can do to help fix it, and why we should care.

Matt and I have been making the tiniest of baby steps to become more green at our house. We have been using reusable shopping bags a lot (although I must admit that in the beginning, it was mostly because the ones at Trader Joe's were SO CUTE!). We have purchased our first few compact flourescent light bulbs for the house, and we have been recycling our cans, plastics, and cardboard. We do these things because some part of us feels like it's right to - Matt calls me a "hippie tree-hugger" for it, but he loves me anyway.

This week it has become abundantly clear to me that we should care for our Earth because it's God's creation. Whether global warming is real or not; whether it saves us money or not - we should care for creation because God made it.

If you follow me on Twitter, you were probably bothered by my multiple posts this afternoon with some wisdom I'm taking away from this conference. If you don't follow me, you're still in luck because I'm going to post it here too! Below are some things I wrote down during our sessions in the past fewe days. Forgive me if they aren't verbatim - I was trying to listen and write at the same time...enjoy!

"In Scripture God routinely uses the natural world to accomplish His tasks. Surely He is in active relationship with His creation."

"There will never be peace on Earth until there is peace with Earth."

"Mission is not a project of the church. Mission is the PURPOSE of the church."

"Mission is a lifestyle best learned early and practiced often."

"All day long, God is at work for good in the world."

"If we are in relationship with God, we are forced into relationship with all that God has created."

So let me ask you: how do YOU care for God's creation? What are your practical suggestions for young greenies like me?

TUESDAY TUNES - "What If"

2009-04-21T12:03:00.003-04:00

Last week my brother was telling me about the Thomas Jefferson Bible. The Wikipedia article says this: The Jefferson Bible, or The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth as it is formally titled, was Thomas Jefferson's effort to extract the doctrine of Jesus by removing sections of the New Testament containing supernatural aspects as well as perceived misinterpretations he believed had been added by the Four Evangelists .

I had never heard of this until last week, so I asked my super-smart theologian hubby about it. He hadn't heard of it either, so he decided to do some research on it. Apparently this book is public domain, so he easily found it for free download. You can read Matt's review about the TJB here.

I have heard more than a few people say that Jesus was a great teacher. That his lessons of love and peace are what we should take away from his life. I have to respectfully disagree.

The point of the Thomas Jefferson Bible is that is strips the gospels of content that points to the divinity of Christ. The TJB isn't exactly incorrect - just incomplete. You see, thinking that Jesus was just a good man or just a great moral teacher is like worshiping the Jesus in the Thomas Jefferson Bible - it strips Jesus of his divinity.

Was Jesus a good man? Yes. Was he a great moral teacher? The best! Was he so much more? Absolutely.

Jesus didn't come to wag his finger and tell us to play nice with each other. Jesus didn't come to gather us together for a big group hug. My hubby said last week that, "Jesus didn't come to make us all hippies!" Peace, love, happiness - these are all good things, but let's not patronize Jesus by thinking that's all he came to do. Jesus came to redeem us...to reconcile us to God.

Here is a C.S. Lewis quote from Mere Christianity that I really love. Matt used this in a sermon recently, and it stuck with me.

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept his claim to be God." That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a good moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic-on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg-or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great moral teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."

The divinity of Jesus is what makes him special. It's what makes him more than just a great moral teacher. It's what makes him my LORD.

So today (yes, I know it's late...sorry - I've had a busy day!) I want to Tune Nichole Nordeman's song "What If." What if Jesus is more than we ever thought he was? I'm fairly certain He IS more...and then some! Enjoy...

Nichole Nordeman - What If
From the album Brave

What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?

What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

(Chours)
But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Then folklore that must be told and retold

(Chours)

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land so long
But what if you’re wrong?

What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

TUESDAY TUNES - "Save it for a Rainy Day"

2009-04-14T05:30:00.001-04:00

My parents have been fans of The Jayhawks for a few years now, and I know for a fact that I've heard their music time and time again through my folks. I also know that they play The Jayhawks on my favorite radio station, WTTS. For some reason though, I have never really caught on to this band...until tonight.

Mom and Dad were playing The Jayhawks' album Rainy Day Music while we were over for dinner tonight, and I was struck by their music. The songs are just so pleasing and soothing, and GAH with the harmony! The songs that I heard seemed to just flow...does that make sense? Like there wasn't a whole lot of effort or hooplah behind them. It was just music...and it was good.

Tell me: do any of you know/love The Jayhawks too? Have I been living under a rock or something, or is this band new to you too?

I think I'm going to download some more stuff by The Jayhawks when we get home tomorrow. Until then, I'll have to enjoy them on YouTube! Hope you enjoy it too...

Pretty little hairdo don't do what it used to
Can't disguise the living
All the miles that you've been through

Looking like a train wreck
Wearing too much makeup
The burden that you carry
Is more than one soul could ever bear

Don't look so sad, Marina
There's another part to play
Don't look so sad, Marina
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day

You neve make your mind up
Like driving with your eyes shut
Rough around the edges
Won't someone come and take you home

Waiting for a breakthrough
What will you set your mind to?
We stood outside the Chinese restaurant
in the rain

Don't look so sad, Marina
There's another part to play
Don't look so sad, Marina
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day

Why?

2009-04-10T18:00:00.002-04:00

Today is Good Friday. What a solemn, somber day. Today we remember Jesus' crucifixion. We know now that in three days there will be a resurrection that will shake creation to its very core, but today...today we mourn. I think, even as people who live on this side of the resurrection, we don't fully understand just what happened that Friday hundreds of years ago. To think that our Lord would take on our sins as his own and die a criminal's death to redeem us is enough to boggle the mind.

I want you to listen to this song (it's not Tuesday...am I throwing you a curveball, or what?). It's by Nichole Nordeman (one of my favorites), and it's a song written from the perspective of a child watching the crucifixion. I hope these words both haunt and heal you today. Yes, our Lord is hanging on a cross, but he is up there paying our price. In three days he will defeat death, and will rise - and will invite us to rise with him.

It's an exciting time for Christians - this holy week we find ourselves in. I hope you are trying to place yourself in the story this week...

Mental Tourette's?

2009-04-07T07:52:00.002-04:00

I think I have Tourette's Syndrome...but only in my head. That's what I'm calling it anyway. I seem to have developed a knack for thinking of funny things at the most inappropriate times. Sometimes my little daydreams are so real, I actually almost do or say what I'm thinking out loud! It's really going to get me in trouble sometime. Here are a few examples from the last week or two:

1) We were at the Veedersburg Community Palm Sunday worship service Sunday night at the Christian Church. This church's communion traditions dictate that everyone drink the cup together. Some nice words of institution are said, and everyone drinks together. So, there we were, enjoying a serious, quiet communion moment with a hundred of our neighbors, and as we all tipped our cups back to take the juice, I wanted to swallow and shout, "OPAH!" like they do on My Big Fat Greek Wedding! I didn't do it, of course, but just thinking about it gave me a little case of the giggles.

2) Last week when I was in New Orleans with Mom and Kelly, we attended a dinner with Mom's associates on the board of the American Council on Gift Annuities. Five of the board members were retiring, so there was a nice dinner to honor them and their years of service to ACGA. At one point during the dinner, people were invited to stand up and say nice things about the people who were retiring. One man from our table stood up to recognize someone, and began talking a lot about things I wasn't familiar with. This is not a rare occurance with the people my mother works for. I know jack squat about gift planning, annuities, laws pertaining to gift planning, bequests, blah, blah, blah. (Geez, I'm even boring myself just thinking about it!) This stuff is seriously over my head. So anyway, this really pleasant man is saying some really wonderful things about this other guy, but I was LOST because he was talking a lot of shop. The whole room was SILENT as this guy spoke, and being the polite, awesome person I am, I kept my eyes on him, smiling and nodding through his whole speech. Midway through his homage, my mind drifted a little, and I imagined myself just laughing out loud at something he said that I obviously didn't understand. You know - one of those laughs that's about half-fake, and says, "Oh no he di-in't!" I snapped out of my daydream pretty quickly, but I was still pretty tickled with myself. I almost peed a little trying not to laugh in real life.

This is the burden that I carry folks. Anyone else out there with me? Besides Dr. John Dorian of course...

TUESDAY TUNES - "Godspeed"

2009-04-07T04:50:00.000-04:00

It's Tuesday, so that means it's time for another Tuesday Tune! Is anyone out there enjoying these weekly posts besides me? Growing up in the family I did tricked me into thinking people cared a lot more about music than most people do. If you get bored with these Tuesday Tunes, I apologize. I probably won't stop them anytime soon though - no matter how you feel about it. I'm enjoying sharing music with you!

This week's Tune comes to us from the Dixie Chicks album "Home." My in-laws bought me this for my birthday in 2002, and I loved the whole album from first listen. I love the Dixie Chicks. What a perfect combination of country, bluegrass, rock and roll and sassy ladies! I feel like these Chicks bridge the gaps between generations and genres, and I appreciate that about them.

This week's Tune, "Godspeed," always makes me feel a little weepy. I remember hearing it for the first time, and thinking, "I'm going to sing this to my son someday. What a perfect lullaby!" As the years of trying to have a baby have come and gone with no child to show for them, this song has become a little sour to me. Instead of dreaming of singing this to my child someday, I instead started wondering if that child would ever come.

Infertility is often a hopeless journey. You want so desperately to bring life to the world, and often you feel like you're dead inside. I have had quite the roller coaster ride through all of this. Some days I feel so full of hope, I'm sure I'll be pregnant just by wishing it. Other days I feel like all the hope has been washed away, and I will be left a barren, childless woman all the days of my life. It's interesting to me that everyone else's reproductive lives just keep going on as normal. Shouldn't all my friends and family members be experiencing this as well? To see everyone else having babies the way we were built to can be really discouraging.

Last summer a series of events occurred that birthed new hope into my infertility journey. I won't go on and on about them here. Go back in the archives, and you'll see them documented there. Needless to say, God has worked wonderful miracles in my hope life these past few months, and I am now dreaming of holding my children someday.

For your tuning pleasure, here is "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks...

I WON! I WON!

2009-04-05T18:02:00.003-04:00

I WON!

I never win anything, but today I am a WINNER! I love reading Amanda's blog, so of course I entered her giveaway for Marlo Schalesky's book "If Tomorrow Never Comes." Schalesky is the author of a book my friend Sarah sent me called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart." Obviously infertility is a subject close to Schalesky's heart. Matt and I continue to struggle through our infertility issues, so I am excited to see what wisdom I might glean from reading these books.

Look for a review as soon as I'm finished reading it, and don't forget to go give Amanda some bloggy love!

Tuesday Tunes - Home

2009-03-31T06:33:00.000-04:00

Laissez Les Bons Temps Roulez!

As you're reading this, I am currently in New Orleans with my mom and sister, hopefully having a great time. Since I'm writing this about a week ahead of time, I can't say for sure. I am sure that I'm missing my hubby and my cats and my own bed though!

For today's edition of Tuesday Tunes, I'm going to introduce you to one of my absolute favorite musicians right now. His name is Marc Broussard, and since he is from Louisiana, I thought it was only too appropriate to bring him to you now.

He's got a killer blues voice, beats that will command uncontrollable car dancing, and a stage presence that had me in a trance. Seriously folks - his live show is one of the best I have EVER SEEN! He's great...and I hope you enjoy him too.

I couldn't embed this video, so please click this link to go to You Tube and watch it yourself. You won't be sorry! This is probably his biggest hit, "Home." If you're not at least tapping your feet by the middle of the song, you should probably check for a pulse.

CLICK ME! You won't be sorry...

HOME - Marc Broussard

Rolling down the road
Going no where
Guitar packed in the trunk
Somewhere round mile marker 112
Papa started hummin the funk
I gotta jones in my bones before we know
We were singing this melody
Stop the car pulled out the guitar
Halfway to New Orleans

Said take me home
Take me home

Could feel the sun about to rise
When I realized we ad nothing to fear
It's just me and my daddy and a kid named Cope
Making music that nobody would hear
And then the sun let up and it split the night

Said take me home
Take me home
Said take me home
Said take me home

This greyhound is delta bound mama
Baby boy done finally found
Said this greyhound is delta bound mama
Said take me home

Hot damn you should have felt the groove
Like I was swimming in a sea of soul
The sun was rising and the day was hot
And we was all about to lose control
My daddy turned his face up towards the sky
And I knew that there was nothing to lose
I felt the crow breathe in and I closed my eyes
And we disappeared into the groove

Said take me home
Said take me home
Take me home
Said take me home

Straight from the water
Straight from the water children
[repeat]
You don't know nothing about this

Take me home
Said take me home
[repeat]

Going Out and Coming In...

2009-03-26T01:12:00.002-04:00

I leave tomorrow afternoon for a 6 day trip to New Orleans with my sister and mom. I am excited to spend some quality girl time with them in such a fun town. I joked earlier with someone that I was going to eat my way through that town like Godzilla...it's probably true! I can't wait to experience all the culinary treats NOLA has to offer me.

Matt is staying behind. He has churches to run you know. He can't go off on frivolous trips like I apparently can! I am going to miss him terribly.

Being away from him (especially when I'm flying) brings up a terrible kind of fear in me. I'm afraid of death - his or mine. I hate the thought of one of us having to mourn the other's passing. I hate the thought of one of us having to learn how to do this life thing on our own. It's horribly sad, and this kind of fear has a tendency to put a damper on my fun trips. I know we are both going to heaven if something happens, but it's still a really hard thing for me to think about.

So - now I'm getting ready to go to bed the night before my super-fun trip, and I'm filled with anxiety. Years ago I went to Florida with my cousins, and Matt stayed behind. My anxiety about that trip was even worse than it is tonight, and Matt and I sat in bed cuddling and reading through some scripture. We found a Psalm that really seemed to speak to us (and calmed me right down...that's probably the most important part!). I'm sharing it here more for my benefit than yours.

Psalm 121
(English Standard Version)

¹I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

³He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
⁸The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

Pray for me while I travel please, and pray for my hubby too. We'll be missing each other!

Blessings to you...
Katie

Tuesday Tunes - Glory

2009-03-24T07:14:00.003-04:00

Hi friends!

Today's Tuesday Tune is "Glory" by Selah, featuring Nichole Nordeman. I must say, I wasn't really a big fan of Selah until recently. They seem to be a little saccharine for my tastes, but maybe my life needs a little sweetness right now. I have been a fan of Nichole Nordeman for many years though, and this song definitely doesn't disappoint. I believe she actually wrote this song for the duets album Selah released in 2006.

A friend's blog steered me towards this blog, which I quickly feel in love with. Angie is a beautiful writer, and she has written much about her walk through the valley as she lost her little girl. Angie always seems to be truthful and honest and real with her audience, and through it all she seems to keep her eye on God. Angie is also the wife of one of the members of Selah, so I think knowing a little about her story and her life has made me want to connect a little bit with this group.

I can't get over this song! I can't get it out of my head. I play it over and over again. I hope you enjoy it as much. What a strong and beautiful message in a time where hope is hard to come by and heaven seems so far away.

One day eyes that are blind will see you clearly
And one day all who deny will finally believe
One day hearts made of stone will break in pieces
And one day chains once unbroken will fall down at your feet
So we wait for that one day come quickly

Chorus
We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to Your name

One day voices that lie will all be silent
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy
So we wait for that one day come quickly

Chorus

We know not the day or the hour
Or the moments in between
But we know the end of the story
When we'll see

Chorus

Tuesday Tunes - The Losing End

2009-03-17T05:06:00.008-04:00

Happy Tuesday!

This Tuesday Tune is "The Losing End" from Neil Young's Album Everybody Knows this is Nowhere.

I grew up listening to Neil Young, because my parents loved him. For the first 12 years or so of my life, I hated him! I would groan every time they put his albums on, and I always preferred Debbie Gibson over Neil Young - no question. Oh, how silly and dumb we are when we're young...

Sometime during the 8th grade, I started to enjoy Neil Young's music. I'm not sure what happened in my life to change my mind. I like to think that perhaps my taste in music was maturing, much like my taste in boys or my taste in fashion (buh-bye acid wash and shoulder pads!). Whatever the case, I began to really enjoy Neil Young, and my affinity for him has only grown over the years.

The Losing End will never be his most popular song. In fact, outside of my family, I'm not sure many other people even notice it's there! I chose to Tune this song today because it reminds me of home. I always loved the Kermeen "Family Jams" where my parents would play guitar, and we would sing. We love songs that have nice harmonies and this is no exception. A few weeks ago the Kermeens had their first Family Jam in years, and this is one of the songs we did. Mom played and sang, while Kelly and I sang along. It was the best feeling ever to know that years could go by, but we are still able to connect together through music. Harmonizing together and laughing as we mess up the words.

For your Tuning pleasure, I bring to you "The Losing End"...

I went into town to see you yesterday
but you were not home.
So I talked to some old friends for a while
before I wandered off alone.

It's so hard for me now
But I'll make it somehow,
Though I know I'll never be the same.
Won't you ever change your ways,
It's so hard to make love pay
When you're on the losing end,
And I feel that way again.

Well, I miss you more than ever,
since you've gone
I can hardly maintain.
Things are different round here
every night,
my tears fall down like rain.

It's so hard for me now
But I'll make it somehow,
Though I know I'll never be the same.
Won't you ever change your ways,
It's so hard to make love pay
When you're on the losing end,
And I feel that way again.

I am possessed by nail polish demons...

2009-03-12T11:24:00.003-04:00

A few months ago I found e-polish blog - a great blog about nail polish and caring for your nails by a lady named Katee. I subscribed to Katee's blog, and really began to enjoy all the new colors of polish she had been "swatching." Suddenly, I began to subscribe to other nail blogs like Vampy Varnish, All Laquered Up and Scrangie. Now I'm finding that I am OBSESSED with nail polish! I have been painting my nails every three days or so, always trying new colors each time I change. I have been looking for fun new colors everywhere I go, and have a small army of nail colors to try. Here is a picture of the colors I have bought in the last month alone:

I must ask people...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

Back in the game with a new weekly feature!

2009-03-10T12:24:00.007-04:00

HI FRIENDS!

I can't believe I haven't blogged since O'Bama's inauguration. I'm sure most of my readers have gone buh-bye by now, but for those who have stuck around...HOLA!

I don't really have a good excuse for being gone for so long. Work has been a little stressful lately. Church is going well. Matt and the kitties and I are just trying to keep up with everything around the house. Lots of everyday, normal life things have shoved blogging down to the bottom of my priority list. (Actually, it's not quite to the bottom. Cleaning bathrooms, mopping floors, and organizing the refrigerator have fallen way below blogging!) I'm sorry to have neglected you for so long.

Good news though - I'm coming back to you with a NEW WEEKLY FEATURE! Yes folks, I'm going to attempt to make my mark on the internet with a weekly feature I'm calling Tuesday Tunes. Every Tuesday I am going to introduce you to a song that I am loving that week. It could be an old classic rock song, an 80's pop favorite or a new Christian worship track. Whatever the song, I'll give you a little insight into why I love it, fun trivia about the artist and where you can get the song for yourself.

If you're interested in doing Tuesday Tunes on your blog, feel free to copy the graphic below to use on your posts. If you do a Tuesday Tune, please let me know, link back to me, etc., so we can get the Tuesday Tune love going! It will be fun to discover new music and learn more about each other through the songs we love, won't it? Here goes...

This week's Tuesday Tune is "Lover" by Derek Webb. It's from his album She Must and Shall Go Free.

I love Derek Webb. His sound, his lyrics, his heart - they're all so rich and authentic and relevant. He gets down and dirty about God, faith and the Church. So often as Christians we try to sugar-coat our lives to make it seem like with God everything is easy and happy. It's just not the case, and Derek always seems to make it okay to be real with ourselves about the suffering we sometimes endure as Christians.

This song is probably my second favorite on this album (my favorite is "Wedding Dress" - maybe I'll Tune it in the future.). I have been stuck on it for a few weeks now. The version on the actual album is a little better (IMHO) because of the vocal harmony, but this video is still pretty good. I love the way Derek portrays Jesus as a lover who will do anything for the one he is in love with - his Church. I think this is a beautiful song, and I hope you like it.

Lover
words and music by derek webb

like a man comes to an alter i came into this town
with the world upon my shoulders and promises passed down
and i went into the water and my father, he was pleased
i built it and i’ll tear it down so you will be set free

but i found thieves and salesmen living in my father’s house
i know how they got in here and i know how to get ‘em out
i’m turning this place over from floor to balcony
and then just like these doves and sheep you will be set free

i’ve always been a lover from before i drew a breath
some things i loved easy and some i loved to death
because love’s no politician, it listens carefully
of those who come i can’t lose one, so you will be set free

but go on and take my picture, go on and make me up
i’ll still be your defender, you’ll be my missing son
and i’ll send out an army just to bring you back to me
because regardless of your brother’s lies you will be set free

i am my beloveds and my beloved’s mine
so you bring all your history and i’ll bring the bread and wine
and we’ll have us a party where all the drinks are on me
then as surely as the rising sun you will be set free

Barack O'Pocalypse?

2009-01-20T09:49:00.003-05:00

You probably don't know this, but Barack Obama is being sworn in today. I'm a little dismayed at the lack of media coverage myself. You would think it would be covered on every single channel or something. Psh...

This election was a crazy one, wasn't it? Never in my lifetime has there been such excitement and energy about choosing a new leader for our country. I'm not really interested in politics too much, but as election day closed in, even I was comparing the candidates, weighing my options. In fact, even my dad voted for the first time in all of his 57 years.

Throughout the months leading up to the election, much mud was slung from one side to the other. Suddenly our friends and neighbors became political experts. Everyone was desperate to convince us that their candidate was the right choice, and that the other candidate was trash.

Some people even tried to tell us that Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ.

Before I go further with this post, I need to make a few things clear. First, I don't think Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ. Has it occured to me that he might be? Sure. BUT I've also wondered if Oprah or Bono or many others are the Anti-Christ. (I don't discriminate: black women, white men, they're all considered for the role!) Second, this isn't some crazy attempt to slam Obama on his big day. After I weighed all my options, opinions, etc., I chose him over McCain. I know this is an exciting time for America, and I am not trying to put a damper on the day.

People have been trying to identify the Anti-Christ for hundreds of years. Since the ressurection of Christ, it seems like there has been someone shouting from the street corner that Jesus is coming soon - The End is Near! Generations upon generations of people have lived in expectation of the second coming, and died having never seen it.

I believe that one day Christ will return, and a whole cavalcade of awful events will usher in His coming. I believe that there will probably be an Anti-Christ, but I'm not 100% sure on who it would be, what he or she will be like, etc. There are hordes of people out there who have very exact images in their minds about how this all will go down, and I'm sure a lot of that certainty comes from their reading of the popular Christian fiction series "Left Behind." There are probably even a few people out there who have opinions on the end times based on eschatological studies. (Did I just make up a word? I don't even know...) I am neither of these. I am simply a Christian who waits, and lives in the meantime.

I am certain of one thing though, and that is what I want to make very clear to you today. Nothing we do will change these events. Let's just say for the sake of argument that Barack Obama is indeed the Anti-Christ. Does anyone really think that by keeping him from becoming president, we might hinder his demonic abilities? Do we really think that we can keep Jesus from coming back by keeping Obama out of the White House? I don't think so. I'm not a theologian by any stretch of the imagination, but I really don't think it would make a big difference.

If you really think the Anti-Christ is coming, why not channel that anxious energy into some serious, hard-core evangelism? If the end really is near, shouldn't we be doing all we can to show our friends and family the truth about God?

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? I look forward to your comments...

50 Nifty United States

2009-01-13T08:38:00.002-05:00

When I was a kid, I used to keep a checklist of all the states, and proudly cross them off when I had visited or driven through them. For some reason this still is fun to do, and now technology makes it a little more interesting! Below is my "big girl" checklist:

visited 28 states (56%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or try another Douwe Osinga project

"Visit all 50 states" is officially added to my bucket list!

Etsy Feature

2008-12-25T22:17:00.003-05:00

My mother discovered Etsy this year, and I couldn't have been more exited! She bought this awesome cross for me for Christmas:

CLICK ME!

Check out this fun and funky Etsy shop for more awesome treats like this one!

THANKS MOM!

Fa-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra

2008-12-25T21:20:00.003-05:00

...and to all a good night!

2008-12-25T00:16:00.001-05:00

Just a quick post to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope each of you has a peaceful and blessed holiday with lots of family and friends.

A Christmas Miracle

2008-12-23T09:41:00.003-05:00

I have blogged here about my struggle with getting pregnant. Matt and I have wished for a baby for quite a few years now, but still don't have a baby to add to our little family. It's something we pray about all the time, and we really do have faith that God will bring us children someday.

I always fantasize about how we will tell our family we are pregnant. One of my favorite fantasies is one where we announce it at the big family Christmas gathering. I imagine us giving my grandmother a gift that reveals our news like a framed sonogram picture, and as she opens it and realizes what it means, everyone explodes with excitement for us. I can't even picture it in my head without tearing up a bit, and I know that if it were to actually happen, I would be bawling like a baby.

This is the fourth Christmas that we have wished to make an announcement like this, but have been unable to. Someday I'm sure we'll be able to reveal the expansion of our family, but every Christmas that goes by until then, I can't help but feel sad that it's not time yet.

Our niece slept with us last night, and as I laid there watching her sleep, I couldn't help but wish that we had one just like her. If we had been able to conceive when we first started trying, our child would be around Kamryn's age. I watch her grow, and I fall in love with her over and over again...and I wonder what our life would be like if we had a little cousin for her.

Sorry for such a sad post so close to Christmas. I am actually feeling quite upbeat about Christmas this year, but I did have this moment of sadness last night (and early this morning) that I wanted to share. Maybe no one reads my sad blogs, but it sure feels good to put it out there, ya know?

Regardless of whether I have a child or not, I'm not letting my sadness cloak the importance of this season. While I yearn for a baby to call my own, I know that many years ago a baby came call me His, and THAT is what Christmas is all about.

Merry Christmas to each of you. May you know who you are and WHOSE you are...

Reality Check

2008-12-21T22:18:00.001-05:00

This made me laugh, but oh, how true it is! Enjoy...

First day of winter...

2008-12-21T18:32:00.002-05:00

See that below? That's our digital thermometer. See the time listed? It's wrong - it's actually 6:06. I just haven't adjusted for Daylight Savings yet. See the temperature? At first glance, you might think it's 36 degrees. You would be WRONG. It is currently 3.6 degrees here. 3.6 DEGREES! Today is the first day of winter. If this is what we're in for, I'm moving.

Silent Night...

2008-12-14T20:22:00.003-05:00

I know I haven't blogged in a while. Forgive me - it's been quite messy around here lately. I was sick for almost 10 days. I had tonsilitis, laryngitis and a cold all at the same time. My boss's wife passed away last week. My great-uncle passed away too. We were in Indy for two funerals on two consecutive days, and my heart is feeling a little heavy from it all. We also just found out that our good friend had open-heart surgery last week. I'm thinking it's not such a lucky time to be friends with me right now!

Christmas can get so hectic, can't it? All the shopping, baking, parties, programs, blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong - I love shopping and baking and parties and programs. They really create a special buzz in the air - a bustle, if you will. The energy and spirit I see at Christmastime is like none other. Still, sometimes I can do without the bustle. Sometimes I just want the peace. The Silent Night.

I have to say that I am really kind of sick of Silent Night. We sing it at every single Christmas Eve service, and year after year I can't help but think, "Let's sing something different this year! What about 'O Come, O Come Emmanuel' or 'O Holy Night'?" We always sing "Silent Night," and always lift our candles in the dark sanctuary for the last verse. It has seemed a little cheesy to me for a while, and I'm over it.

Monday afternoon my office hosted a luncheon for retired United Methodist clergy in our area. We do this every year as a way to keep in touch with them, help them keep in touch with each other, and show our thanks for their many years of faithful ministry. It really was a nice event. We had a great turnout, even though the weather was a little nasty, and people seemed to have a nice time. My friend Julie came to entertain the crowd with her beautiful singing. She has a spectacular voice, and she really is a wonderful entertainer. She has this way of drawing you in, and making you feel like she's singing just for you. It's awesome!

After a few songs, she asked if they would like to sing some Christmas carols together, and they all seemed up for it. She asked if there were any requests to start us off. A voice from across the room suggested "Silent Night." I remember thinking, "Ugh. I am SO over this song!" But I decided to be a good sport, and sing along.

I couldn't sing for very long. That crowd could SING! They sang "Silent Night" in four (maybe five) part harmony, with so much passion and reverence, it brought tears to my eyes! Here were over 100 people who had served countless congregations for decades upon decades, who had probably sung this song at every Christmas Eve service they ever preached or attended - and they were singing that song as if they were singing it to Jesus himself.

I felt so convicted right there. If THEY can feel this much reverence for this ordinary, over-played song, what's wrong with me? Isn't that what Christmas is about? Jesus came to bring the "extra" in front of "ordinary," didn't He? This extraordinary savior was born to an ordinary woman. The man who would shepherd us all the way to the gates of an extraordinary Heaven was born in a very ordinary Bethlehem. His extraordinary, redeeming blood was spilled on an ordinary cross, built for ordinary criminals. An extraordinary Lord for very ordinary people - like you and me.

So this year at Christmas, I'm reclaiming Silent Night for myself. In the midst of the ordinary: the malls, the parties, the gifts, the decorations, the commercials, the cha-ching at the registers, the cards, the BUSTLE, I am going to remember that extraordinary baby sitting in the creche under my tree. I will remember that He came to add the "extra" to my "ordinary." And I will sing an ordinary song like "Silent Night" with a lot more reverence. At the end of the day, we all know that Christmas is about so much more than the bustle that permeates our world at this time of year. Behind it all there is a peace to be found...a Silent Night.

Have you seen this?

2008-12-04T12:51:00.001-05:00

Have you seen this commercial? Matt and I saw it last night, and just about died!

All Time Top 5 Christmas Movies UPDATED!

2008-12-02T16:33:00.003-05:00

What are your all time top 5 Christmas movies? Here are mine:

1. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
2. A Christmas Story
3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
4. The Holiday
5. Scrooged

I am sheepishly admitting that I have never seen It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street. Don't worry - I'm adding them to my Netflix queue right now!

Go on...comment away!

*UPDATE*
Elf was playing this morning at CVS, and I was immediately horrified that I forgot to put it on my list! So, I think Scrooged is being bumped, and Elf will be placed in the #4 spot. :)

The 12 Days of Christmas...INDY STYLE!

2008-12-02T16:18:00.002-05:00

If you're near Indianapolis, check out the 12 FREE Days of Christmas in Indy. Sounds fun!

Playing the Part

2008-12-01T13:45:00.003-05:00

The coming weekend will be a busy one for us. Veedersburg's Christmas Parade is Saturday, and Veedersburg UMC is going to have a float in the parade. I'm excited about attending this event, if only for the chance to get out of the house and maybe meet some people in our new town. Sunday our other church, Hillsboro UMC, will be having their Live Nativity and Chili Supper. Again, this is going to be an opportunity for us to meet some people in Hillsboro (and to have some yummy chili).

I wouldn't be lying if I told you I wasn't 100% comfortable about Matt and I playing Mary and Joseph in the Live Nativity. When the biggest struggle in our life the past few years has been conceiving a child, I imagine I might have some difficulty playing a new mother. Then again, maybe it will all be just fine, and I won't be bothered by it at all.

I think I've dealt with a lot of this transition by operating in "autopilot." There are days when I push my emotions to the back burner, and just work at checking things off my to-do list. Every now and then my emotions boil over as if to remind me that they're still there. Someday soon I think I'll address this pot of emotions, but right now I'm praying that God will allow me to keep them pushed back for this Live Nativity...

I want to be a winner too...

2008-11-30T08:29:00.002-05:00

Okay - just trying to win some computers here. You should too! Check it out here: http://www.gearlive.com/news/article/q408-hp-magic-giveaway-enter-our-contest-to-win-over-6000-in-electronics/

Black Friday (and presents for me too!)

2008-11-28T14:07:00.002-05:00

I'm exhausted from shopping all this morning. Mom and I were at Kohl's by 6:00, then went to Target and Bath and Body Works. I spent $400 today (YIKES!), and I'm almost totally done with my Christmas shopping!

Also, I ordered this new toy for myself, and can't wait to get it in the mail soon!:

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends. We did!

Heavy Heart

2008-11-25T22:21:00.002-05:00

Sigh...I want to write something meaningful and heartfelt, but I'm spent. My heart has been heavy the past couple of days, because my boss' wife is dying. It's only a matter of days...

She's had pancreatic cancer for just over a year now, and that is not a good cancer to have (not than any cancer is "good"). There is just nothing more the doctors can do. My boss is usually emotionally stable, so it was pretty hard to watch him cry at my desk this afternoon telling me all that has happened in the past few days. I didn't know what else to do...I just sat there and cried with him. I feel so helpless. It's my job to make things easier for him, but this time there is nothing I can do.

Sometimes I just don't understand this life we live. It's filled with so much pain and despair, and it's hard to see the good things peeking through the black cloud that's created by that sadness we feel. I'm praying hard tonight that God helps me understand just a little more about the chaos that we live in. And I'm praying even harder for a miracle...

Reusable Bags anyone?

2008-11-19T10:34:00.003-05:00

I know I'm not a mother, but I still love to read Simple Mom. She always has something interesting to read, and today is no exception! Check out today's blog to hear about the best in reusable tote bags.

What? You say you don't use those at your house? WHATAREYOUWAITINGFOR? Sit. Let me convince you.

1. They're so much cuter than those nasty plastic bags you get from the grocery.
2. They hold so much more! I am amazed at how I can consistently get a week's worth of groceries into two bags. TWO BAGS!
3. It's way better for the environment. Seriously people. Do you know how many gazillion plastic bags are used every year? Those things aren't biodegradable!

Now, get over to Simple Mom and learn all you needed to about these awesome bags. AND you can enter to win some too!

Twitterpated...

2008-11-17T14:03:00.001-05:00

I'm giving in to the hype. I'm weak that way. I'm tweeting now at twitter.com. Come on over and we'll be twits together!

https://twitter.com/kdswisher

My husband is funny...

2008-11-13T00:18:00.003-05:00

I tried cracking a joke today as Matt and I were putting together our new dining room furniture. He looked at me and said something like, "Why don't you just let me be the funny one, okay?" Psh...turns out, he is pretty funny. This post on his blog cracks me up! Funny is so incredibly sexy, isn't it?

"Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat."
-Joanne Woodward (married to Paul Newman)

Update

2008-11-07T13:11:00.002-05:00

It has been 16 days since my last post. I'm so sorry to have been gone for so long! It has been a hectic time for us lately. We moved to Veedersburg on October 28th, and have been trying to get settled ever since.

Our last day at Emmanuel was very emotional. It hurts so badly to say goodbye to so many people that we love. I know we will see each other time and again, but I'm still sad to leave. One week later, we enjoyed a wonderful first Sunday at Veedersburg and Hillsboro churches. These congregations are so different from Emmanuel, but we're thankful to be here for the next chapter in our ministry.

Moving day went very well. In 7/12 hours our movers packed our old house, drove 90 miles, had lunch and unpacked into the new house. They were SO quick! Also, these guys were polite, respectful, gentle with our belongings, and they really seemed to have fun doing a job I would hate! On top of that, they ended up charging us $500 less than they had originally estimated!!! If you're ever in the market for a moving company, I would highly recommend Two Men and a Truck (www.twomen.com).

We have been living among cardboard boxes ever since, and I am OVER IT! We are slowly getting everything in order, but some days there just too many other things to do besides unpacking. We'll get it done soon. I'm determined to have it totally done by Thanksgiving.

This is my first week working at home part-time. My office days on Monday and Tuesday went well, and the rest of the week I have been working here at home. I've spent a lot of this week getting my office set up, and I think I'm almost comfortable. I have a nice, big desk right under a window that looks into our back yard. I also have a TV in my office that somehow keeps me from stressing out! It's nice to work at home in my PJ's, with my kitties and hubby around. It's also very nice to be able to eat at home three meals a day!

As good as things have been, I do have to admit that I have had a difficult time transitioning to our new town. There is next to NO shopping anywhere near here, so a simple trip to Target take hours because it's 45 minutes away. Last week I was a total pain in the butt to Matt too - don't worry...I apologized. I think I'm starting to realize that when I'm stressed out I get really bossy and crabby. It's something to work on.

It's been a crazy time here, but soon I think things will settle down. Hopefully I'll be regular on the blog again. Peace!

Random Stuff...

2008-10-22T14:40:00.003-04:00

1. I filled my gas tank last night for less than $30. First time in YEARS!

2. I am expecting four boxes of Pampered Chef items to be delivered to my house today. I have been checking the FedEx tracking site every 15 minutes since 7:30 this morning to see if they have been delivered. Regardless of when they come, I'm still at work until 5:30. Why am I so stinking excited about this stupid delivery? Geez...

3. We went to Veedersburg to see our new house yesterday. There were some people there painting and cleaning for us when we got there, so we got to meet some new faces. I'm excited about our paint colors, but concerned about the "old person's house" smell that seems to have permeated the entire place. Anyone know how to get rid of these odors?

4. 6 days until the moving truck arrives. Am I done packing? No. Am I excited about the move? A little. Am I sad to leave Noblesville? Yes. Am I ready for this whole thing to be done? Absolutely!

5. We're moving to a land where there is no digital cable, so now we are looking into getting a Tivo. If you have one, please share your thoughts with me. We don't know anyone that owns a Tivo, but really can't live without being able to record our shows. What can I say? We're spoiled...

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's HOME to work I go!!!

2008-10-16T12:27:00.003-04:00

As you'll see in this post and this post and this post, Matt and I are moving in 12 days to Veedersburg, Indiana. There is a lot of change wrapped up in this move that I have talked about in these previous posts. One thing that we haven't known a lot about though, is my job. Lots of people have asked what will happen to my job, and I haven't been able to give them an answer...

...until today.

I had a meeting with my boss and my office manager today to discuss my job. In my mind I had imagined a near-perfect situation. I currently work four days every week (I have Tuesdays off). I thought that it would be good to work two days in the office, and the rest of the time I could work from home. The days in the office would (ideally) be consecutive days, so I could make just one round-trip from Veedersburg to Indianapolis (70 miles each way), and stay with my parents over night. There is really so much that I can do remotely. In my mind, I could think of no reason why this wouldn't work.

Apparently, they couldn't think of a reason either, because they APPROVED IT! Starting in November, I will be working Mondays and Tuesdays in the office, and the rest of my work will be done from HOME! I'm so excited! I feel like a HUGE burden has been lifted here. I was SO worried about my job. Now I get to keep the job I have, and I won't have to spend more money on gas than I do right now! I can't help but think that, when we have babies someday, this schedule will come in handy. Just think - we'd probably only need child care for two days every week. That's awesome, isn't it?

I am really thanking God today. He's totally got my back here, and now I can look forward to the move with a LOT less stress. Isn't He so good???

Dreaming of Playa del Carmen

2008-10-15T12:03:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I've never been to Playa del Carmen, but I am dreaming of what I think it might be like. Winter is just around the corner here in Indiana, and that means one thing: SOUP'S ON! In the last few years, I have really grown to love cooking soups in the fall and winter. I sometimes follow a recipe, and sometimes do not. The other night, I didn't, and this is the magic that happened:

“Dreaming of Playa del Carmen” Chorizo Soup

1 lb. chorizo (casing removed)

Meat from one whole chicken (I bought a rotisserie chicken, skinned it, and tore the meat off)

1 medium onion, chopped

2-4 cloves of garlic, minced

1 bag of frozen corn

2 cans of black beans, drained

2 cans of diced tomatoes with green chilis (Rotel)

4-6 c. chicken stock or chicken broth (to your liking)

Salt and pepper to taste

2-3 T. Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Sautee onions in olive oil over medium to medium-high heat and add the garlic when onions are translucent. Add chorizo, and break up into crumbles as it cooks. After chorizo has cooked through, add Rotel (with liquid), black beans (without liquid), corn and chicken. Add salt and pepper and chicken stock. Simmer for about an hour, and enjoy!

Full Speed Ahead

2008-10-08T08:56:00.002-04:00

I worked last night at a charge conference meeting of 6 churches in Indy. Everything went really well, and I enjoyed meeting some people I talk to on the phone regularly. It's always good to put names with faces, isn't it?

During the conference, the district superintendent who was running the meeting talked about a conversation he had with one of the pastors in his district. The pastor and his daughter were talking, and came to this conclusion:

When Jesus says, "Follow Me" it means we're going somewhere!

Can I get an AMEN? :)

How many of us answer to Jesus' call to follow Him, and expect to remain right where we are? You can certainly put me in that crowd. Here's what my prayer life has looked like for the past few weeks:

"I love you Jesus, and I want to serve you with my life and my vocation, but I want to do that RIGHT HERE. I don't want to leave my friends, my family, my favorite grocery store, my convenient mall, my church family, etc. So, if you could just reconsider this whole move-across-the-state-to-a-town-where-I-don't-know-anyone-and-the-nearest-shopping-is-in-Illinois thing, that would be AWESOME. Mkay?"

I really am so nervous about this move. I don't know yet if I'll be able to keep my job or not. I'm nervous about making all new friends, about finding my way around, and I have almost convinced myself that the people in our new churches won't like me at all. Oh - and I'm spending more than just a little time wondering what kind of bugs we'll have to deal with at our new house. (Please God - no centipedes again...please?) Oh the anxiety that I am working up in myself...it's really taking its toll! I have had some bad headaches and back pain in the past couple weeks, and I KNOW that it's because I'm stressing out so much.

God met me at church on Sunday. I know I shouldn't be surprised - He's always there. I just don't always look for Him I guess. The songs we sang, the prayers we said, the message that was given - God spoke to me through it all. It's as if He was calming me - calming my nerves and my spirit. He was reminding me that HE is everything I'll ever need.

We sang one of my favorites - You Are My All in All. This song always reminds me of being at SIFAT. I would tell most people that it's because I learned that song there. I will honestly tell you though that I think of SIFAT when I hear this song because that's where God and I first had some grown-up moments together. SIFAT was the first time I left home, and just depended on God. No parents. Not much money. No mall in the time zone (slight exaggeration). Just me and God having some good time together. It was almost like my honeymoon with Jesus, and I don't care if you think that sounds cheesy!

What does it mean for me to sing that Jesus is my "all in all"??? If I believe what I sing, he is the ONLY thing I need. So what if I don't make friends at our new home? God is really the only friend I need. So what if I can't keep my job? God's going to provide. No shopping? Don't need it - I have God. Jesus is ENOUGH. I don't need more things, more money, more friends, more activities, etc. Jesus is ENOUGH. He is my all in all.

So - Jesus has asked us to follow Him, and we're following Him to Veedersburg. We're going somewhere - us and Jesus - and He is going to be everything we need.

You are my strength when I am weak.
You are the treasure that I seek.
You are my all in all.
Seeking you as a precious jewel.
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool.
You are my all in all.

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is your name!

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame,
Rising again, I bless your name.
You are my all in all.
When I fall down, you pick me up.
When I am dry, you fill my cup.
You are my all in all.

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is your name!

To Make You Feel My Love

2008-10-06T11:06:00.002-04:00

Matt and I are moving. His job (wait – I hate calling it a “job.” It’s his ministry…) is taking us to western Indiana, and in three weeks we’ll be leaving Noblesville. It’s been a hard few weeks leading up to this point. We knew going into United Methodist ministry that we would be moved, but it’s been hard actually experiencing it.

How do I say goodbye to a congregation that has loved me like family? How do I say goodbye to these teenagers we’ve invested so much of ourselves in? How do we pack up our entire life and move it 90 miles away without going totally insane? Living out our last few weeks here will be hard, but it will be essential for us to stay focused and committed right up to the last minute.

We started packing this weekend. We have packed all our books (45 boxes), DVD’s and games (except for the Wii, because come on – we’re completely addicted to Mario Kart). For some reason as soon as the books were packed, this house I’ve been living in for 16 months stopped feeling like home.

We packed Matt’s office last night – books, decorations, more books, etc. It’s been emotional saying goodbye to Emmanuel box by box. We had music playing on Pandora.com (oh my – you must check out this website if you haven’t already. LOVE!). We’re in the middle of packing all of his stuff, and “our song” came on. He stopped what he was doing, grabbed me, and danced with me right there. We were in his tiny office, both sweaty and dirty and dusty from packing, tired and emotional, but we still danced. We were probably both remembering our wedding day when we danced to this song for the first time as husband and wife. We were probably both remembering the night at SIFAT that made that song “ours.” We were probably both thinking about how God had not only sustained us but BLESSED us up to this point in our life together, and we were probably both remembering that God was definitely going to continue to do so as we move on to our new appointment.

It was exactly what I needed. I needed to remember that we are in this together. I needed to just stand face-to-face with my husband and remember that we are a team – partners in this ministry. And I needed to look on his gentle face, stare into his warm hazel eyes, and remember that I am so in love with him still.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

Itinerant...

2008-09-25T16:44:00.000-04:00

Hi internets...

How many ways can I apologize for the hiatus I have been on? Here I took so much time and care in writing the 100 Things about myself, and then I left you high and dry. While I am eternally sorry for leaving you hanging for so long, I am finding it hard to believe that anyone is even still waiting around to hear from me again. If anyone is actually out there reading this, I am sorry. I owe you a steak dinner (or at least some fish sticks and shells & cheese).

To get a better understanding of where I have been the past few weeks, I think it's best for me to post an e-mail announcement that was sent to my friends and family. It's the same news, and I don't really want to re-type it anyway.

Here you go...

Hello friends and family,

As some of you know, Matt is an elder in the United Methodist Church. In the UMC, pastors are appointed to their churches by the bishop and a group of district superintendents who make up the bishop's cabinet. Elders make vows when they are ordained and commissioned to be fully itinerant - meaning they travel from place to place. Back in the beginning of Methodism, pastors would travel from church to church (usually on horseback) to minister to congregations far and wide. Thankfully, the days of "circuit riders" are long gone, but we are still bound by our vows to be itinerant, and to go where God and the bishop lead.

Now is when we see those vows in action. The bishop and cabinet (and most of all, GOD) have appointed Matt to a new church, and we will be moved to this new appointment by November 1st.

Matt will be the senior pastor of two small, country churches in the western part of the state: Veedersburg UMC and Hillsboro UMC. A parsonage is provided for us, and the house will be in Veedersburg. Veedersburg is a small town (about 2200 people) one mile south of I-74 on SR 41. (We will be about 1 hour and 15 minutes from Mom and Dad's house on the south side of Indy.) We are sad about leaving our current appointment, but we both are feeling a strong sense of God's peace in this. We both know without a doubt that this is where we are supposed to go.

We met with the leadership at both churches on Monday, and we were able to tour the parsonage as well. It is a bigger house for us, but it can use some updating! :) We look forward to making this house our home. The congregations are really excited about having a young couple in ministry at their church, and we are excited to go. Matt loves to preach and teach and visit with people, and this new appointment gives him the opportunity to do what he loves. My sister said it best when she pointed out that, "Matt will FINALLY be able to do what he was called to do so long ago!"

I am sad to leave friends we have made here in Noblesville. I am VERY sad to move farther away from family. I am nervous about moving from the Indianapolis area to such a small town. I am VERY nervous about making new friends, and finding my place in Veedersburg. I don't know yet what will happen with my job. My boss has mentioned the possibility of me working from home, but we haven't worked out details for sure yet.

We covet your prayers through this transition. We know that the love and prayerful support of our friends and family will carry us far, and that we haven't reached where we are today without them. I hope we will get to see each other soon. Know that you are always welcome in our home, whether it is in Noblesville, Veedersburg or the Moon!

Love you all,
Katie

Still here

2008-09-19T22:05:00.001-04:00

I know it's been a while, and I promise I'll be up and blogging again soon. There's some seriously crazy stuff going on at the Swisher house, so once that settles, I'll fill you in and resume blogging as normal. Be praying for us kids...we're on a bumpy ride right now!

100 Things - The Finale

2008-09-02T00:30:00.001-04:00

91. Since I was a child, I have wanted to be no less than fifty things when I grow up. Doctor, astronaut, teacher, musician, graphic designer, journalist…the list goes on and on. As I near that “grown up” stage, I realize that what I want to be most in my life are these three things: 1) A woman of faith, 2) A wife and 3) A mother.

92. My parents have been married for 34 years. Their marriage hasn’t always been great, but they love each other. I’m proud that they have stuck together through (most of) the hard times.

93. I am the oldest of three children. My sister, Kelly, is three years younger than me. My brother, Robert, is 6 years younger. We grew up fighting hard, playing harder and loving each other most of all. (I do have an older half-sister, but we haven’t known each other for very long.)

94. I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew (and 1 niece on the way). Tayla and Damon are the oldest, and belong to Matt’s sister. She is having another girl later this year, and we can’t wait to meet Clarissa! Kamryn is my sister’s daughter, and she brings more joy to my life than I ever expected her to. (My half-sister has twin girls that are so lovely and sweet. They don’t know that we’re related though. They’re pretty young, and explaining the whole situation would be rough.)

95. I have had trouble keeping in good touch with some of my best friends from my youth. These people were crucial to my life at one point, and I hate that we don’t see each other more. I think it’s my fault, and that makes me sad.

96. I have lots of great ideas, but have trouble seeing them all through. I know that at the end of my life, I will have lots of projects that I never finished.

97. My husband is my best friend, a great lover, a strong man, always patient with me, supportive, too smart for me, and super-handsome! He is opposite from me in so many ways, but perfect for me in every way. I love his gentle smile, and I love the way he looks at me. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world (and he might just be love-struck enough to actually think that I am!)

98. All of that being said, it took God smacking me on the side of the head with an epiphany to realize that I needed to marry that man. I was too caught up in myself to really see how much of a gift Matt was. I know – I’m a recovering idiot.

99. I have issues with fear. I fear death, even though I know where I’m going.

100. I believe that God is our creator, our father, our friend, our life. I believe He lives and works and breathes and speaks today – right now. If you don’t know Him, seek Him. He is pursuing us all, and longs to be in relationship with us. That is definitely the most important entry on this long, random list of mine.

100 Things - Part Nine

2008-09-01T00:30:00.001-04:00

81. I always think that it would be really great to open a little café/restaurant. I would have a little bookstore area, plenty of comfy seating for people to read and eat and meet. I would even have cooking classes sometimes. I get so excited thinking about it, but then poop out from exhaustion just thinking about all the work I’d have to do.

82. I think I’d be a great graphic designer, but really don’t want to spend the time and money going to art school.

83. I wish I was in better shape, but have trouble motivating myself to work out and eat better.

84. I think I have issues with discipline.

85. My husband and I have the same wedding band. Mine is a man’s ring, but it looks just fine on my huge hands.

86. I don’t iron. If something is wrinkly, I just throw it in the dryer.

87. I chew gum like it’s my job.

88. I love to drink tea. Hot tea, iced tea, black tea, green tea – I love it all. My all time favorite tea is Bigelow’s Constant Comment. I always reminds me of my mother.

89. My favorite flower is the gerber daisy. I also love calla lilies, morning glories, tulips and irises.

90. I hoard pens. It’s shameful, really. I love them!

100 Things - Part Eight

2008-08-31T00:30:00.001-04:00

71. I wrote for my high school’s newspaper, and loved it.

72. I don’t really care too much about politics, and usually vote for the person who is cutest, has the best outfits, etc.

73. I love remembering great times gone by with friends and family.

74. I also love to look towards the future.

75. I have trouble living fully in the “now.”

76. I love cookbooks! I have gobs of them, but hardly cook from them.

77. I get most of my food ideas from food blogs (my favorite? Smitten Kitchen)

78. I’m trying really hard to not be one of those people who peaked in high school.

79. Magazines I subscribe to: Real Simple, Everyday Food, Entertainment Weekly

80. I hate folding laundry.

100 Things - Part Seven

2008-08-30T00:30:00.001-04:00

61. I have gobs of earrings, but usually only wear hoops.

62. I have a cross necklace my parents got me for my high school graduation that I still wear almost every day.

63. I love music! Everything from classic rock to eighties pop to classical to Christian…I even like a little country!

64. I have an almost uncanny knack for identifying thumb-suckers. There’s something about the way a person’s mouth is shaped that tells me if they sucked their thumb a lot as a child. Maybe it’s my superpower.

65. I’m pretty good at pop-culture trivia…especially music, TV and movies.

66. I’m jealous of all the gals who went to BlogHer, but feel like I would never be part of the “cool club” that is expected to show up!

67. I wish I could get a job daydreaming…I think I’d be really great at it.

68. I have been married for 6 years, and have had at least 6 different bedding ensembles. I’m currently shopping for another set…

69. Shows that I record on my DV-R: American Gladiators, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, House, Top Chef, Shear Genius, The Office, My Name is Earl, Pushing Daisies, Heroes, What Not to Wear, Good Eats, The Soup, House Hunters, My Boys and The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

70. It drives me crazy when people say “supposobly.”